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Passions in Poetry

i want it back

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stephen j
Junior Member
since 01-15-2000
[First Post] 23


0 posted 01-15-2000 02:53 AM       View Profile for stephen j   Email stephen j   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stephen j

              i want it back

i screwed up,and now i regret it, i want it back,
i want back what i had,
and now its gone ,
my real friendship its gone,
and i want it back.                                                                                                                                                                    by stephen j
© Copyright 2000 stephen j - All Rights Reserved
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


1 posted 01-15-2000 03:15 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Hi Stephen. I definitely liked the rhythm and flow of this, but it's very vague. It seems like it would be the chorus sung again and again in a song. But, without the supporting verses around the chorus, it's very open-ended and hard to relate to. I mean, I understand you want your friendship back, but a million questions are asked in the process> What was this friendship? Who was it with? What made it "real?" How was it lost? Granted, poems are about brevity, but this seems more like a promising start, not a full-on poem.

Mike
poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 12-04-1999
Posts 552
new orleans


2 posted 01-15-2000 03:45 AM       View Profile for poetry_kills   Email poetry_kills   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit poetry_kills's Home Page   View IP for poetry_kills

stephen: i have to agree with mike on this one; i feel that the poem is too vague... the sentiment is understood well enough, but to make it really hit home i need to be fed some kind of a story... at least some allusions to whom or what you are speaking of specifically...

sincerely,

 **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


3 posted 01-15-2000 03:58 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Hi, Stephen. Whoops, didn't realize it was only your first post! I don't want to scare you away. What I said before stands, but look at the positive side: you seem to have an innate grasp of word rhythm and flow. It's the start of something big. Keep writing!

Mike
whiskey
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 1302
Australia


4 posted 01-15-2000 09:18 AM       View Profile for whiskey   Email whiskey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit whiskey's Home Page   View IP for whiskey

I think you should add to the poem , You could rewrite it adding some more to it , its great what you have written Dont take me the wrong way it just needs some more , Welcome to passions
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


5 posted 01-15-2000 10:49 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

We truly often forget to appreciate what we have until it's no longer there for us.
Welcome to Passions, Stephen. Check your email...
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


6 posted 01-15-2000 04:25 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Welcome to Passions, Stephen! Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone, that's for sure!

 Denise

And slight is the sting of his trouble
Whose winnings are less than his worth;
For he who is honest is noble,
Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~


Rus Bowden
Member
since 01-13-2000
Posts 141


7 posted 01-15-2000 06:37 PM       View Profile for Rus Bowden   Email Rus Bowden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rus Bowden

hi stephen,

this has such an echo as i read,  tough to screw up.

rus
 
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