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Passions in Poetry

Everytime

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Nate Dogg
Senior Member
since 11-15-1999
Posts 1691
Georgia, Fulton


0 posted 01-12-2000 05:01 PM       View Profile for Nate Dogg   Email Nate Dogg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Nate Dogg's Home Page   View IP for Nate Dogg

I exagerrated a bit on this poem.

Everytime you go away,
my heart can't stand the pain
and I feel as if I'm going insane.
The way she moves,
puts a smile on my face.
She's like an angel with grace.
Whenever she goes away,
I try my best not to cry
but, it's hard to hold back,
all these tears inside.
Baby, please come back home
because, I'm all alone.
Why do you make me cry?
You make me wanna die!
My heart can't stand the pain
because, I'm left out in the rain.
Baby, please come back to me
because, I'm very lonely.
I'm always having a bad day,
everytime you go away.


 Nathan
© Copyright 2000 Nate Dogg - All Rights Reserved
Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 11-08-1999
Posts 9405
Pennsylvania


1 posted 01-12-2000 06:25 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth Santos   Email Elizabeth Santos   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elizabeth Santos

Nathan,
If your poems are going to rhyme, why not add meter. For instance, the last four lines:
Baby, please come back to me
For I'm alone, adrift at sea
And every single passing day
Is empty since you went away

I think you could do this by adding words where needed and give your poem a smoother flow. I know the feeling , though of loneliness
Liz
devina
Member Elite
since 10-28-1999
Posts 3189
Northern Cali


2 posted 01-12-2000 07:14 PM       View Profile for devina   Email devina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for devina

Exaggerated or not, i've been here myself...hugs to ya!

 Open arms can be the most fragile in the world...
~ViXeN~
Member
since 01-09-2000
Posts 95
Guelph, Ont. Canada


3 posted 01-12-2000 07:20 PM       View Profile for ~ViXeN~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ~ViXeN~

wow the minute i read this it totally reminded me of feelings that i have had in the past... it comforts me to know that im not the only one. great job
Nate Dogg
Senior Member
since 11-15-1999
Posts 1691
Georgia, Fulton


4 posted 01-12-2000 07:48 PM       View Profile for Nate Dogg   Email Nate Dogg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nate Dogg's Home Page   View IP for Nate Dogg

Thanks Liz, I see what you mean. Thank you Devina and Vixen for the sweet comments!

 Nathan
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


5 posted 01-12-2000 07:50 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

hmmmmmmm......sounds like love to me!  

 Denise

Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 10-28-1999
Posts 5247
state of confusion


6 posted 01-12-2000 08:33 PM       View Profile for Corinne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corinne

Now how could anyone resist a plea such as this?

Very lyrical!

Corinne
Michael
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 08-13-99
Posts 6333
California


7 posted 01-12-2000 08:40 PM       View Profile for Michael   Email Michael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Michael

Maybe an exagggeration Nate, nevertheless, I've been there and could never convince my heart of that.     Hope your days get better soon.

Michael
Nate Dogg
Senior Member
since 11-15-1999
Posts 1691
Georgia, Fulton


8 posted 01-13-2000 01:50 PM       View Profile for Nate Dogg   Email Nate Dogg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nate Dogg's Home Page   View IP for Nate Dogg

Thank you Vixen and Michael for the lovely comments.

 Nathan
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