Member Rara Avis
Hi, Cokey. Interesting poem. I remember going through a lot of thoughts like that, and let's just say, I'm glad that's (mostly) over with. We all have our bad days, though. Here's my take: while I like the wording, sometimes I feel the phrases are a little forced. Blame it on whoever deemed poetry should rhyme. Sometimes, yeah. But I think this one would be a lot more powerful free versed. Rhyming adds a sort of sing-song voice to things, and while that's a great tool for irony, I think you're trying to be more sincere here. The other thing is do you really want to end the poem with an exclamation point? It seems sorta ... strange, I guess. It's like the character in this poem is giving up, slowly draining away, and then says "final rest" with this renewed excitement. Is the character really this far gone, that the final rest is the culmination of all the joys and disappointments experienced up to this point? Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. I've been known to do that. Keep writing.