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Passions in Poetry

my final rest

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cokey_95
Junior Member
since 01-08-2000
[First Post] 36


0 posted 01-08-2000 01:20 AM       View Profile for cokey_95   Email cokey_95   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cokey_95


Today I let go..
I promised I wouldnt so..
what can I say.. I guess I lied,
there are just to many tears I have cried.
I tried to pretend everything was alright,
the pretending is over, I have given up the
fight.
I tried to smile and make the feelings go away..
now I guess it is my spirit that will have to
pay.
Not a day goes by that a tear I dont shed..
Not a day goes by without the pounding in my
head.
Those voices that should tell me right from
wrong..
lately I must tell you they sing a different
song.
They scream in my head...just give up and die..
I sit in my room..hold my head..and cry.
I am giving in..I guess the voices know best..
It is time for me to go home..for my final rest!
© Copyright 2000 Karin - All Rights Reserved
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


1 posted 01-08-2000 01:31 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Hi, Cokey. Interesting poem. I remember going through a lot of thoughts like that, and let's just say, I'm glad that's (mostly) over with. We all have our bad days, though. Here's my take: while I like the wording, sometimes I feel the phrases are a little forced. Blame it on whoever deemed poetry should rhyme. Sometimes, yeah. But I think this one would be a lot more powerful free versed. Rhyming adds a sort of sing-song voice to things, and while that's a great tool for irony, I think you're trying to be more sincere here. The other thing is do you really want to end the poem with an exclamation point? It seems sorta ... strange, I guess. It's like the character in this poem is giving up, slowly draining away, and then says "final rest" with this renewed excitement. Is the character really this far gone, that the final rest is the culmination of all the joys and disappointments experienced up to this point? Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. I've been known to do that.   Keep writing.

Mike
whiskey
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 1302
Australia


2 posted 01-08-2000 01:36 AM       View Profile for whiskey   Email whiskey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit whiskey's Home Page   View IP for whiskey

Cokey, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother I feel so much for you , You have my thoughts and prayers  

The poem was great
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


3 posted 01-08-2000 02:29 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

I had no idea... Nevermind everything in my previous post.
cokey_95
Junior Member
since 01-08-2000
Posts 36


4 posted 01-08-2000 02:34 AM       View Profile for cokey_95   Email cokey_95   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cokey_95

dont worry about it..I like to hear what im doing right or wrong
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


5 posted 01-08-2000 03:49 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Yet another nice one Cokey!

~*Dreamer*~
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


6 posted 01-08-2000 06:22 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Welcome to Passions, Cokey - looks like you have great supportive friends here already!

  
Betty Gravitt
Member
since 09-11-99
Posts 225
Georgia United States


7 posted 01-08-2000 08:29 PM       View Profile for Betty Gravitt   Email Betty Gravitt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Betty Gravitt

cokey... I'm sorry about your mother. I liked the poem.

 B Gravitt

Femme's Father
Member
since 10-30-1999
Posts 68
Carrollton, TX, USA


8 posted 01-08-2000 09:10 PM       View Profile for Femme's Father   Email Femme's Father   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Femme's Father

This is a beautiful tribute to your mother,
and makes me appreciate mine even more..My mom is now 76, and I am 55. I still have my dad also, so God has really blessed me with my parents still being here. I think we tend to not notice how blessed we are sometimes. I know that I often don't show my love as often as I should. This was a very good set
of poems you shared with us. I appreciate the
way you speak what you feel inside. You are
a very caring person I can tell. I posted a
poem of mine in response to your poems--hope
it might help you not feel so alone..Its called the Agony of Death..bless you...
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


9 posted 01-08-2000 10:08 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Hi, Cokey. I dunno -- when poetry is used as catharsis like that, I don't think anyone really has the right to critique it. That's not the poem's purpose. But thanks for understanding.

Mike
Eloise
Senior Member
since 11-27-1999
Posts 1115
Wyoming


10 posted 01-08-2000 10:21 PM       View Profile for Eloise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Eloise

Cokey, welcome to Passions. This was a very touching piece.  I'm sorry about the loss of your mom.  ((Hugs))
First__Knight
Senior Member
since 11-08-1999
Posts 688


11 posted 01-08-2000 10:31 PM       View Profile for First__Knight   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for First__Knight

Welcome to Passions....and I admire your courage in this writing :0

 Being in love with someone is more than just saying "I love you"


Paul Hoekman
Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 385
Harwinton Ct. U>S>A>


13 posted 01-08-2000 11:34 PM       View Profile for Paul Hoekman   Email Paul Hoekman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Paul Hoekman's Home Page   View IP for Paul Hoekman

WELCOME COKEY,
so nice to have you with us,
nice work,keep on writing,
the more you put it down,
the more you let it out.
cokey_95 will be notified of replies
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