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Passions in Poetry

an experiment

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bsquirrel
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


0 posted 01-07-2000 12:26 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

I know I said I wasn't going to write anything more for a while, but let's be honest, here. I wanted to try something new, so here goes: I'm going to, for the sheer heck of it, come up with a poem right on-screen ... no editing or anything. Just a dry run all the way through, warts and all. Here goes...

-under the sun-
She asked me what's it like to be me?
I was too busy shooting down my luck
With rabbits' feet, matted fur, stuffed
In my pockets like god's great promise.

What's it like to be me? Was this
Her breakup line? Previously, she'd tried
Over the phone to convey her lack of emotion.
I'd hung up.
So this was how it was going to end.

My friend had come over from Arizona for a visit. His boots eere suspiciously free of red dust.
It turned out he lived in Colorado.
What a disappointment.

He came because he wanted to meet her. Now
He'd be stuck with my inscrutable face,
And a place under the sun, under a palm tree,
Under the carbloated freeways with my bickering.

He gave me the feet. Said I could use them.
They weren't even real fur -- dyed weird orange,
And was that a bone I felt? Or a wire?

"Thanks," I told him. When my ex-girl drove up,
I put a bullet into the clouds. No, not real.
Just my words and my grasping last ache.
What a disappointment; but at least the clouds bled.
© Copyright 2000 MPC - All Rights Reserved
whiskey
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Senior Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 1302
Australia


1 posted 01-07-2000 02:27 AM       View Profile for whiskey   Email whiskey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit whiskey's Home Page   View IP for whiskey

This is great, I never edit my poems I write them how they are and I find they are better that way , well done  
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


2 posted 01-07-2000 08:24 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Interesting - it is amazing what can emerge - I do a bit of both - some are just as they are, some are structured (in freeverse! LOL) It is good to experiment.

Nicely done.

Paul Hoekman
Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 385
Harwinton Ct. U>S>A>


3 posted 01-07-2000 08:31 AM       View Profile for Paul Hoekman   Email Paul Hoekman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Paul Hoekman's Home Page   View IP for Paul Hoekman

Nice Bsquirrel, I have not tried free
wheeling yet I think it would be to much
pressure for me although you obviously
handle it well.  Paul
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


4 posted 01-07-2000 10:48 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Yeah, it is interesting what can emerge. Sometimes I just ramble into a recorder, and am surprised by the nearly fully formed poems that come out. Notice I said nearly.   I still think it's important to edit yer final product down to what you think is the closest to what's in your head. But it's nice to break loose and just see what comes out.
 
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