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Passions in Poetry

Fifty Years...........Please Help!!!!!!!!!!

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hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


0 posted 01-05-2000 02:51 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

My mother and father are celebrating fifty years together on Jan 16th, I am throwing a big party for them on Jan 15th and would very much like to present them with a framed and matted poem to honor the occasion. This is what I've come up with so far and I'm really not happy. I'm asking for any suggestions or edits that will make this piece better. It's very important to me to have this the best I can...any and all input would be most graciously appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Ruth

Fifty Years

It's Fifty years, since you said, “I do”,
Through sickness and through health;
You never had much money,
But were always blessed with wealth.

One January, dad took his bride,
And mom became his wife;
You soon began a family,
And started your new life.

You set up house, a cabin small,
All nestled in the wood.
Dad worked to provide for us,
Gave everything he could.

Mom stayed home and raised the kids,
Taught us wrong from right,
Read us bedtime stories,
And tucked us in at night.

Seven kids the total,
Three girls, also four boys,
Our house was filed with laughter;
Our yard was filled with toys.

You gave us love and happiness;
Watched us as we grew;
Sheltered, nurtured, loved us all,
Till once again 'twas two.

Your love’s survived, through fifty years,
Grown stronger by the day
And so we join together now
To celebrate today.

It's Fifty years, since you said, “I do”,
Through sickness and through health,
We’ve never had much money,
But Lord, do we have wealth!




 When you truly know the meaning
of the word Love,
you will also know the meaning
of the word Pain
~Javan




[This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 01-05-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


1 posted 01-05-2000 03:09 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

It was nice to read your work! It's excellent and I'm sure they'll love it. Unfortunately, I can be of no help to you right now! Just thought I'd comment on what a great piece of work it is  

~*Dreamer*~
Kevin Taylor
Member
since 12-23-1999
Posts 192
near Vancouver, BC, Canada


2 posted 01-05-2000 03:28 PM       View Profile for Kevin Taylor   Email Kevin Taylor   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Kevin Taylor's Home Page   View IP for Kevin Taylor

Wonderful poem and I wouldn't presume to second guess you. But if my opinions are worth a read, here they are.. as I might have written parts of it..(I've just copied the poem here and changed bits and pieces... please forgive..)


Fifty Years

Fifty years ago, they said I do
Through sickness and through health;
They never had much money,
And their children were their wealth.

One January day, he married her
And she became his wife;
And there began a family,
And started their new life.

They set their home, a cabin small,
All nestled in the wood.
He worked hard to provide for them,
Gave everything he could.

She stayed home and raised the kids,
Taught them wrong from right,
Read them bedtime stories,
And tucked them in at night.

Seven kids the total,
Three girls, also four boys,
Their house was filed with laughter;
Their yard was filled with toys.

They gave them love and happiness;
Made their house a home;
Sheltered them ‘till they were grown
And set out on their own.

(Their love’s survived through fifty years,
Grown stronger by the day,
And so we come together now,
To celebrate today.
***I don't know about adding this piece***)


Fifty years ago, they said I do
Through sickness and through health,
They never had much money,
But Lord, did they have wealth!

Ya.. add it.. it rounds the poem out especially if their wealth is measured in children.

This is a wonderful poem. They are gonna cry like babies... ya know that, right?


 Kevin
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


3 posted 01-05-2000 03:35 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

Hoot,

You are a strong talent and can discern yourself what is best.  I always personally consider art to be not made of what you put in, but what you take out.  
Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


4 posted 01-05-2000 03:39 PM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Toerag

Hoot Honey...use this poem....could ya imagine if I put something together for ya? I mean, I could be a tad "reserved"...but yanno what a "tad" means in Toerag verse?.....this is great sweets.....go for it!!!
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


5 posted 01-05-2000 03:51 PM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

Hoot: This is lovely... and the love shines through every line... what a marvelous gift!

My only advice is to include the parenthetical verse... and have plenty of kleenex handy!!
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


6 posted 01-05-2000 04:02 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Dreamer, Toerag, and Suther...thanks  

Rebel...yes, you do have a point and I've edited this myself 20 times today....lol, 10 or so before I posted it and as many times after posting...getting to like it better each time

Kevin...thank...although I didn't use a few of your suggestions, you'll not I used a modified version of your line "They set their home, a cabin small" only I used "They set up house, a cabin small"
thanks, that helped a lot there  
Iloveit
Senior Member
since 09-02-99
Posts 1168
NM


7 posted 01-05-2000 04:05 PM       View Profile for Iloveit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Iloveit

hoot this is beautiful, a perfect tribute, mine has lasted 26 years, last december, but my kids certainly wouldn't write something as this.....your parents will be very proud of you and this....hugs
RainbowGirl
Member Elite
since 07-31-99
Posts 3167
United Kingdom


8 posted 01-05-2000 04:36 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

Hoot: I have no alterations to give - when you speak words with so much love, that's all that is seen, love!

Now you know why I have no alterations to suggest!

HUSG

 Don't ask me where I'm going, just listen when I'm gone and far away you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn.

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


9 posted 01-05-2000 04:42 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Ruth, this is so beautiful, I'm sure they will love it!

The only thing I might change is:

'They never had much money
But Lord, did they have wealth'

to:

'They've never had much money
But Lord, do they have wealth'

to sort of end it in the present tense. What do you think?


 Denise

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


10 posted 01-05-2000 04:49 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

I love it and rainbow...thank you both. I'm liking it better as I make my many edits....probably 15 now since I posted...I believe I'm seeking perfection on this one as I feel it's the least I can do and it does nothing for the 37 years of love they've showed me.

Denise....oh hun, thank you, yes, perfect....you'll see I changed it!!! Hugs, thanks !!!
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


11 posted 01-05-2000 05:18 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Hoot, I did a poem similar to this for my folks on their 25th, and I'm glad I did, because they didn't have many more years left.  Go with your heart, dear one, and that will be the best gift yet.  Can't add to perfection...hugs, Sunshine

P.S.  I wish I had that poem back now...a sibling claimed all of the property, and I don't know what happened to it.

 Sunshine
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Andrew Scott
Member Elite
since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


12 posted 01-05-2000 05:21 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

My Lady Hoot ~ what you have written is beautiful.  I understand the feeling of reading ones own work at times and saying, "it just doesn't sit right" and you would like some help, but how does one critique another's heart on something so personal as this?  I couldn't suggest any valued changes without making the poem my own, which would fail miserably in its purpose.  That said, I shall still give it a go and contact you via e-mail with anything worth while.  
To you parents I would like to say congratulations on 50 years! I hope some day I can match it myself.
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


13 posted 01-05-2000 05:23 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

You're welcome, Ruth! Glad to be of help! Give your folks my congratulations, too!

Wow! Fifty years! God bless them!  

Sunshine- what a pity that you don't have it. So sad.  

 Denise

Nan
Administrator
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since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


14 posted 01-05-2000 05:28 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Ruth - I'm sure this will be their most treasured gift.... 'Tis very nice, indeed...
Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


15 posted 01-05-2000 06:45 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Ruth, they will treasure this poem because it came from you and the love that you have for them.  It is beautiful just the way it is.

 In the dew of little things,
the heart finds its morning
and is refreshed.
(ee cummings)
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


16 posted 01-05-2000 08:16 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

By George I think she's got it Watson! Beautiful work Ruth. I really think we should collabroate on one when I am feeling better. Love you my friend. ((HUG))
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


17 posted 01-05-2000 09:15 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Ruth I think this is just great....I have one pick tho...

Seven kids the total,
Three girls, also four boys,
Their house was filed with laughter;
Their yard was filled with toys.


2nd line I would do...
Three girls, and four boys....??

Other than that I think they will love it!


 <*\\\><
Where there is faith,
there is love.
Where there is love,
there is peace.
Where there is peace,
there is GOD.
Where there is GOD,
there is no need.

Hallmark


Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


18 posted 01-05-2000 09:54 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Ruth, this is so beautiful, I love it the way it is honey
your parents are going to love it , it sort sums up their  50 years together, how they started til now, I think its beautiful and I don't think you should change it

 What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge


Sharleen
Junior Member
since 01-05-2000
Posts 16


19 posted 01-05-2000 10:07 PM       View Profile for Sharleen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sharleen

Ruth,
    I wouldn't change a thing you know what comes from your heart And you should stick with it. Just let the words flow from your mind to the tips of your fingers,then onto the paper.  

                     sharleen
Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


20 posted 01-05-2000 10:39 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Ruth, I'm sure we could dissect this poem and come up with areas where the meter is slightly off or the flow could smooth out just a tad...but why? The poem is terrific as it is. These are normal people, not poetic critics. They will see the love, sentiment and emotion in the poem and be blown away for sure. It wouldn't be right risking that for poetic perfection. Let them have it between the eyes! They'll love it....and you for doing it.  
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


21 posted 01-05-2000 10:55 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

I just want to say THANKS everyone for all your replies, advice and thoughts. I think what you see now is the final product of no less than 35 edits...lol...think I'll keep my hands off it now, once more, thank you  
Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 10-28-1999
Posts 5247
state of confusion


22 posted 01-05-2000 11:42 PM       View Profile for Corinne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corinne

I've read this a couple of times now, and my feeling is that it is such a personal thing that I wouldn't begin to assume that I could add or change what it is your heart.

And, this is the kind of poem that is written complete to your audience, and I think you've done a marvelous job!

Corinne
moonmoon
Member
since 08-13-99
Posts 280
TX , USA


23 posted 01-06-2000 12:38 AM       View Profile for moonmoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonmoon

I have nothing to add to what's already been said. Its indeed a fine poem straight from the heart and I am sure your parents would love it. Your parents are blessed to have a wonderful daughter like you Ruth..

Congrats to both you and your parents.
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


24 posted 01-06-2000 01:08 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Ruth - wow. Wonderful. I hope you are finally happy with it - I like it!

K

 '...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath
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