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Passions in Poetry

I've forgotten the words

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patchoulipumpkin
Member
since 01-01-2000
Posts 203
Bermuda


0 posted 01-04-2000 05:30 PM       View Profile for patchoulipumpkin   Email patchoulipumpkin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for patchoulipumpkin

Hi there, just to give some background for this, i've been struggling with anorexia for the past few years, and wanted to try to explain the difficulty of the illness, how its so seductive and destructive.  Anyway, thanks for reading.


I've forgotten the words


I've been feeding my delusions, depression, and negativity
Keep adding pieces, more ingredients, like you would in a blender
Until you press the button, the razor whirls and mushes your courage and will
So that its all you've tasted for the past five years
Complacency, boredom and terror

I have forgotten what ice cream tastes like
Same with steak, hamburgers, Mcdonalds'
All the good food, that i'm too afraid to allow myself to taste
Sure i eat it, but i don't really taste it
I'm too afraid of what it means

I used to nearly fall out of my chair with excitement
Could barely contain my joy, and euphoria
I used to run wildly, cry at songs, laugh at jokes
Dish my creativity out as if it were halloween candy.

When the fear came, the creativity started turning inwards
Eating away at its own foundations
Blocked by the fear of a child who thinks that if he lets it out
He'll be scolded, criticised, maligned for it
Broken in two
So instead, the child breaks himself, pre-emptively
Like a spy for the government who takes cyanide when he's found out

His game has been revealed, and he feels he's on trial for it
He has to pay for it, be punished for who he is.
He thinks he has to be something else,
He thinks he's wrong

And the adult inside the child can't believe it
He's dumbstruck, at his own duplicity against himself
Why is he killing himself?
There is nothing wrong with me, why do i think there is
What made me, convince myself i was the enemy

I've forgotten how to talk to people
How to use the words that they use
How to walk the walk
How to be normal like everyone else

But i want to love
****, i do love
I just won't admit it
I can't admit

Its too much to say
Its too much to do
Everything that you do
Everything that you are
Its too hard to keep up with you
You are too strong, and too much for me to handle
How was i ever born with you?

And i want to scream and yell
But its no use
Because i can't hear myself
I've deafened myself to the world
I'm afraid of what i'll hear

The world has become a concept
An idea
A vision
Somewhere out there, over the rainbow
Its not in front of my feet like it used to be
Its an impenetrable dungeon of torture and restraint
A child's nightmare on playback

Rotating, over and over
Like a skipped cd
The song remains the same
Same verse, same chorus, same bridge

A song i've sang so many times
That I've forgotten the words


© Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


1 posted 01-05-2000 12:02 AM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

This gives me some sense of the torment that so many have to deal with. It must be a tough struggle. Hang in there.

 Denise

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


2 posted 01-05-2000 12:51 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Very powerful, you've expressed all those emotions very well...I hope you learn how to sing again  
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


3 posted 01-06-2000 02:05 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Impressive - deep and I can feel your yearning for recovery.

Excellent. I have never heard the word seductive used to describe it before - and through your poem I can see it for sure.

Stay strong - and keep writing, you're good at it!

K

 '...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath
devina
Member Elite
since 10-28-1999
Posts 3189
Northern Cali


4 posted 01-06-2000 02:45 AM       View Profile for devina   Email devina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for devina

Beautiful wording here for something that causes you so much pain, hang in there hun, you seem to have a strong will to beat this.

 Open arms can be the most fragile in the world...
whiskey
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 1302
Australia


5 posted 01-06-2000 03:30 AM       View Profile for whiskey   Email whiskey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit whiskey's Home Page   View IP for whiskey

A well written poem with so much emotion and feeling I really feel your strength I wish you the best in beating your disease it isnt easy  
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


6 posted 01-06-2000 09:24 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

You have a talent for expression for sure... This one speaks volumes....
 
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