How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #5 Archive
 Web Of Lies
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Web Of Lies (please read and reply! :o))

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
[First Post] 34


0 posted 01-04-2000 02:19 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Web Of Lies
Cobwebs surround me,
I try to fight my way out.
There is no light,
I am surrounded by darkness.
I can see the hunter,
Approaching me slowly.
A twisted smile forms on their face,
Showing no mercy.
Shunning away, I am caught
In the cobweb of lies.
Lies that have been fed to me
For all of my life.
They are sticky and I cannot
Release myself.
I am a fly,
Being hunted by the spider.
The cobwebís breaking,
The truth is being unveiled.
The truth Iíve hidden for too long.
No way out.
Iím trapped.

Please let me know what you think as this is my first attempt at poetry and I am interested in what you have to say, whether it is criticism etc.
Thanks!


© Copyright 2000 Dreamer_556 - All Rights Reserved
Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 10-28-1999
Posts 5247
state of confusion


1 posted 01-04-2000 02:27 PM       View Profile for Corinne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corinne

Welcome, Dreamer!

If this is your first attempt at poetry, I am impressed!

Think we have all felt trapped from time to time, even if we are the makers of our own traps!

One thing, you mention "the hunter" in the
5th line, then "a smile forms on their face"
in th 6th line.  Is it plural or singular?(e.g, hunter and his/her face, or hunters and their faces...

Nice imagery!

Corinne
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


2 posted 01-04-2000 02:31 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Thank you very much for your kind words of encouragement!

Oops.. silly mistake, I believe I meant 'his' face not 'their face'

Thanks again Corinne

~*Dreamer*~
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


3 posted 01-04-2000 05:05 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Welcome to Passions, Dreamer. I enjoyed this very much! Very impressive. Keep writing!

 Denise

Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


4 posted 01-04-2000 05:47 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

Dreamer, if this is your first attempt, you're off to a great start! The web image is a strong one, although you might consider revising "cob"web to just "web" (or tangle, knot, maze, trap, snag, labyrinth, weave, etc.) to promote a more "trapped" feeling. All told, a very good effort! Keep Writing!

Dear LadyClaire

agony
Junior Member
since 12-29-1999
Posts 18


5 posted 01-04-2000 06:38 PM       View Profile for agony   Email agony   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for agony

Dreamer, very intresting for your
first attemt I think there should be another. I can relate to how you feel,being trapped can be scary and living a life where you have been told lies can be very
damaging.

 
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


6 posted 01-04-2000 07:32 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Welcome to the family! This is good for a first effort!  
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


7 posted 01-04-2000 11:21 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Welcome to passions  
Bojopy
Member
since 01-03-2000
Posts 405


8 posted 01-04-2000 11:30 PM       View Profile for Bojopy   Email Bojopy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bojopy

My first thought about this was you were the fly in a government trappings?? If not then please give me yours!!!!


 


WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


9 posted 01-04-2000 11:32 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

WELCOME! For a first attempt I think you've done a great job. I liked this very much.

 <*\\\><
Where there is faith,
there is love.
Where there is love,
there is peace.
Where there is peace,
there is GOD.
Where there is GOD,
there is no need.

Hallmark


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


10 posted 01-05-2000 12:21 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

I agree - great for a first attempt - and I do mean that.
I might consider breaking it up a little - you have some strong endings within the piece...eg...

Cobwebs surround me,
I try to fight my way out.
There is no light,
I am surrounded by darkness.

The finality in sound is quite definite...

So I might put a break in there - just to add effect. The last line 'I'm trapped' would look excellent standing alone.

Also if you wanted to - in freeverse it often works really well to abandon the idea of capitals at the start of each line - adds to the flow of the sentences.

I love the ideas in this - the imagery.
All in all - a great job!

K


 '...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


11 posted 01-05-2000 01:32 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Thank you all very much!
I am overwhelmed by your kindness.
I will consider everything everyone has said, there are is some great advice. Thank you very much.

~*Dreamer*~
devina
Member Elite
since 10-28-1999
Posts 3189
Northern Cali


12 posted 01-05-2000 01:39 PM       View Profile for devina   Email devina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for devina

Welcome!  This is a wonderful first attempt, keep writing!!!

 Open arms can be the most fragile in the world...
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


13 posted 01-05-2000 01:46 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Thank you Devina!
Paul Hoekman
Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 385
Harwinton Ct. U>S>A>


14 posted 01-06-2000 11:09 PM       View Profile for Paul Hoekman   Email Paul Hoekman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Paul Hoekman's Home Page   View IP for Paul Hoekman

Hey dreamer,excellent first poem this is all great advice given above.
   AND I'M NOT LYING and no one in this
forum will.You nailed your thought, and to me that's very important I hate to leave a poem feeling it missed the point or not understanding what it was trying to convey.
          Write On,
                 Paul
CrazyChick
Member
since 01-05-2000
Posts 134


15 posted 01-07-2000 12:06 AM       View Profile for CrazyChick   Email CrazyChick   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CrazyChick

Great job......keep writting!
Eloise
Senior Member
since 11-27-1999
Posts 1115
Wyoming


16 posted 01-07-2000 01:14 AM       View Profile for Eloise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Eloise

Very nice first attempt.  Welcome to Passions.
whiskey
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 12-28-1999
Posts 1302
Australia


17 posted 01-07-2000 02:06 AM       View Profile for whiskey   Email whiskey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit whiskey's Home Page   View IP for whiskey

excellent first attempt keep writing , you've started well  
Welcome to passions
Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


18 posted 01-07-2000 03:34 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Thank you all!
I did decide to carry on writing (well, one more so far!) and I have posted that one 'Confrontations'.
Thanks for your positive words!  

~*Dreamer*~
HelmutB
Senior Member
since 01-06-2000
Posts 989
Canada


20 posted 01-07-2000 05:44 PM       View Profile for HelmutB   Email HelmutB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit HelmutB's Home Page   View IP for HelmutB

I'm new, like you
and we both walking using the same shoe
The piece you wrote...I find it is nice
you chosen your words so wise
Keep it up and I shall see
Perhaps we keep walking along, I with thee
Helmut



 The ability to describe life with words is similar to painting a picture; both can be powerful tools.
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


21 posted 01-07-2000 05:51 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

This is an excellent first attemp, enjoyed!!  

 What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge


Dreamer_556
Junior Member
since 01-04-2000
Posts 34


23 posted 01-08-2000 03:30 PM       View Profile for Dreamer_556   Email Dreamer_556   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dreamer_556

Thank you!

HelmutB, I hope we do both 'keep walking along!'

The Keeper, no you were great! I've sent you an e-mail.

~*Dreamer*~

Dreamer_556 will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #5 >> Web Of Lies Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors