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Open Poetry #5
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Web Of Lies (please read and reply! :o))
| Open Poetry #5 |
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Web Of Lies (please read and reply! :o)) |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Web Of Lies Cobwebs surround me, I try to fight my way out. There is no light, I am surrounded by darkness. I can see the hunter, Approaching me slowly. A twisted smile forms on their face, Showing no mercy. Shunning away, I am caught In the cobweb of lies. Lies that have been fed to me For all of my life. They are sticky and I cannot Release myself. I am a fly, Being hunted by the spider. The cobweb’s breaking, The truth is being unveiled. The truth I’ve hidden for too long. No way out. I’m trapped. Please let me know what you think as this is my first attempt at poetry and I am interested in what you have to say, whether it is criticism etc. Thanks! |
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| © Copyright 2000 Dreamer_556 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Welcome, Dreamer! If this is your first attempt at poetry, I am impressed! Think we have all felt trapped from time to time, even if we are the makers of our own traps! One thing, you mention "the hunter" in the 5th line, then "a smile forms on their face" in th 6th line. Is it plural or singular?(e.g, hunter and his/her face, or hunters and their faces... Nice imagery! Corinne |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Thank you very much for your kind words of encouragement! Oops.. silly mistake, I believe I meant 'his' face not 'their face' Thanks again Corinne ~*Dreamer*~ |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Welcome to Passions, Dreamer. I enjoyed this very much! Very impressive. Keep writing! Denise |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Dreamer, if this is your first attempt, you're off to a great start! The web image is a strong one, although you might consider revising "cob"web to just "web" (or tangle, knot, maze, trap, snag, labyrinth, weave, etc.) to promote a more "trapped" feeling. All told, a very good effort! Keep Writing!  Claire |
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agony Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 18 |
Dreamer, very intresting for your first attemt I think there should be another. I can relate to how you feel,being trapped can be scary and living a life where you have been told lies can be very damaging. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Welcome to the family! This is good for a first effort!  |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Welcome to passions  |
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Bojopy Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 391 |
My first thought about this was you were the fly in a government trappings?? If not then please give me yours!!!! |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
WELCOME! For a first attempt I think you've done a great job. I liked this very much. <*\\\>< Where there is faith, there is love. Where there is love, there is peace. Where there is peace, there is GOD. Where there is GOD, there is no need. Hallmark |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I agree - great for a first attempt - and I do mean that. I might consider breaking it up a little - you have some strong endings within the piece...eg... Cobwebs surround me, I try to fight my way out. There is no light, I am surrounded by darkness. The finality in sound is quite definite... So I might put a break in there - just to add effect. The last line 'I'm trapped' would look excellent standing alone. Also if you wanted to - in freeverse it often works really well to abandon the idea of capitals at the start of each line - adds to the flow of the sentences. I love the ideas in this - the imagery. All in all - a great job! K'...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Thank you all very much! I am overwhelmed by your kindness. I will consider everything everyone has said, there are is some great advice. Thank you very much. ~*Dreamer*~ |
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
Welcome! This is a wonderful first attempt, keep writing!!! Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Thank you Devina! |
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Paul Hoekman Member
since 1999-12-28
Posts 382Harwinton Ct. U>S>A> |
Hey dreamer,excellent first poem this is all great advice given above. AND I'M NOT LYING and no one in this forum will.You nailed your thought, and to me that's very important I hate to leave a poem feeling it missed the point or not understanding what it was trying to convey. Write On, Paul |
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CrazyChick Member
since 2000-01-05
Posts 132 |
Great job......keep writting! |
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Eloise Senior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 1096Wyoming |
Very nice first attempt. Welcome to Passions. |
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whiskey
since 1999-12-28
Posts 1278Australia |
excellent first attempt keep writing , you've started well Welcome to passions |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Thank you all! I did decide to carry on writing (well, one more so far!) and I have posted that one 'Confrontations'. Thanks for your positive words! ~*Dreamer*~ |
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HelmutB Senior Member
since 2000-01-06
Posts 964Canada |
I'm new, like you and we both walking using the same shoe The piece you wrote...I find it is nice you chosen your words so wise Keep it up and I shall see Perhaps we keep walking along, I with thee Helmut The ability to describe life with words is similar to painting a picture; both can be powerful tools. |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
This is an excellent first attemp, enjoyed!! What comes from the heart goes to the heart. Samuel Coleridge |
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Dreamer_556 Junior Member
since 2000-01-04
Posts 34 |
Thank you! HelmutB, I hope we do both 'keep walking along!' The Keeper, no you were great! I've sent you an e-mail. ~*Dreamer*~ |
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