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Passions in Poetry

Storm Clouds (rewrite)

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RobertB
Senior Member
since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


0 posted 12-27-1999 07:30 PM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for RobertB

Storm Clouds (rewrite)

Horizonís eye matted shut
Against the jamb; weeping
The turbulence of birth.
From westward, white-hot fingers
Scratch the dark. Rumbling
Contractions, the fissured womb
Ruptures, howling full term,
Conceptionís fury.


Robert


if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming.
© Copyright 1999 RobertB - All Rights Reserved
Tara Simms
Senior Member
since 08-12-99
Posts 1285
Honea Path, SC USA


1 posted 12-27-1999 07:33 PM       View Profile for Tara Simms   Email Tara Simms   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Tara Simms's Home Page   View IP for Tara Simms

Wow, this is so powerful!  I love how you capture the chaos, the magnitude of its fury.  Excellent piece!  I love storms!

 It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
--W.E. Henley


RobertB
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


2 posted 12-27-1999 07:35 PM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RobertB

Thanks Tara.....hehehehe, but do you love giving birth as well???  }

Robert
Tara Simms
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since 08-12-99
Posts 1285
Honea Path, SC USA


3 posted 12-27-1999 07:47 PM       View Profile for Tara Simms   Email Tara Simms   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Tara Simms's Home Page   View IP for Tara Simms

I just read the original one and I must say that I prefer this one.  

Actually, yes I do enjoy giving birth.  I have two boys.  Those were the wildest moments of my life, you did well in comparing a storm to birth.  I never would've come up with that!  


 It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
--W.E. Henley


Denise
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since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


4 posted 12-27-1999 07:53 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Well, I didn't think you could possibly improve it, but you certainly did! (as for giving birth...never again if I have anything to say about it! You have caputured the agony of it well)  

 Denise


Georgia
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since 12-22-1999
Posts 33


5 posted 12-27-1999 07:59 PM       View Profile for Georgia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Georgia

neat!
RobertB
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


6 posted 12-27-1999 08:09 PM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RobertB

Ummmm speaking only from my own perspective... I would much rather watch a thunderstorm than give birth!!! LOL but then I am male!

Denise
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since 08-22-99
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7 posted 12-27-1999 08:12 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

I, for one, am with you on that Robert! And I am speaking from experience! hehehehe  

 Denise


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 11-08-1999
Posts 9405
Pennsylvania


8 posted 12-27-1999 08:38 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth Santos   Email Elizabeth Santos   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elizabeth Santos

That's pretty good for a guy!
That's just about the way it feels, give or take 7 or 8 hours!
Excellent!
Liz
Betty Gravitt
Member
since 09-11-99
Posts 225
Georgia United States


9 posted 12-27-1999 10:10 PM       View Profile for Betty Gravitt   Email Betty Gravitt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Betty Gravitt

I agree with Denise I would rather watch a thunder storm also. hehehe. I also like this version better. I like the first, but this one has more. Elizabeth said it just right. Add 7 or 8 hours then you got it. Great read.

 B Gravitt


Meadowmuse
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since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


10 posted 12-27-1999 11:00 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

The likening to birth is poetically apt...and very well delivered.
~ Claire
RobertB
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


11 posted 12-27-1999 11:01 PM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RobertB

I thank all the "experts" in child birth for your input?

}

Robert
Nan
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since 05-20-99
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Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


12 posted 12-27-1999 11:46 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Been there - Done that - I vote for the thunderstorm too.
RobertB
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


13 posted 12-28-1999 08:15 AM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RobertB

hard to out do a good storm eh???
Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


14 posted 12-28-1999 04:14 PM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Echo Rhayne

This is great!

 ~*~ Hell is not a place of fire and a devil with a tail and horns. But a place of torment because the light of God is gone. To escape this, accept the blood of Jesus Christ! ~*~

RobertB
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


15 posted 12-28-1999 04:21 PM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RobertB

I thank all of you for your wonderfully inspiring comments. I feel inside of me that I am taking my poetry to a new place.

Wanna come with me??

Robert

 if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming.
Denise
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since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


16 posted 12-28-1999 09:41 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

But of course!

 Denise


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


17 posted 12-29-1999 05:23 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Wow - impressive stuff!


 ...I am not a painter, I am a poet... F. O'Hara
Rosemary J. Gwaltney
Senior Member
since 08-26-99
Posts 1064
northern mountains, Idaho


18 posted 12-29-1999 06:31 AM       View Profile for Rosemary J. Gwaltney   Email Rosemary J. Gwaltney   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rosemary J. Gwaltney's Home Page   View IP for Rosemary J. Gwaltney

I love the poem - I love thunderstorms - I loved giving birth too, and yes, this is excellent, superb, vivid imagery!  An outstanding work!
neitham
Junior Member
since 12-29-1999
Posts 44
India


19 posted 12-29-1999 07:15 AM       View Profile for neitham   Email neitham   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit neitham's Home Page   View IP for neitham

Vivid observation & powerful expression!
What had inspired you, if I may ask?  )
RobertB
Senior Member
since 09-26-1999
Posts 1121
Champaign, IL


20 posted 12-29-1999 08:11 AM       View Profile for RobertB   Email RobertB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RobertB

Hello to the "new" ones I have not seen before.


As to what inspired this....I was just thinking about how when it comes a storm here that the horizon is darkened by the clouds that come from the west. The rest just sort of came to me or came together.


Robert
 
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