navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #5 » Storm Clouds (rewrite)
Open Poetry #5
Post A Reply Post New Topic Storm Clouds (rewrite) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL

0 posted 1999-12-27 07:30 PM


Storm Clouds (rewrite)

Horizon’s eye matted shut
Against the jamb; weeping
The turbulence of birth.
From westward, white-hot fingers
Scratch the dark. Rumbling
Contractions, the fissured womb
Ruptures, howling full term,
Conception’s fury.


Robert


if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming.

© Copyright 1999 RobertB - All Rights Reserved
Tara Simms
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244
Honea Path, SC USA
1 posted 1999-12-27 07:33 PM


Wow, this is so powerful!  I love how you capture the chaos, the magnitude of its fury.  Excellent piece!  I love storms!

 It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
--W.E. Henley



RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
2 posted 1999-12-27 07:35 PM


Thanks Tara.....hehehehe, but do you love giving birth as well???  }

Robert

Tara Simms
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244
Honea Path, SC USA
3 posted 1999-12-27 07:47 PM


I just read the original one and I must say that I prefer this one.  

Actually, yes I do enjoy giving birth.  I have two boys.  Those were the wildest moments of my life, you did well in comparing a storm to birth.  I never would've come up with that!  


 It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
--W.E. Henley



Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

4 posted 1999-12-27 07:53 PM


Well, I didn't think you could possibly improve it, but you certainly did! (as for giving birth...never again if I have anything to say about it! You have caputured the agony of it well)  

 Denise



Georgia
Junior Member
since 1999-12-22
Posts 32

5 posted 1999-12-27 07:59 PM


neat!
RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
6 posted 1999-12-27 08:09 PM


Ummmm speaking only from my own perspective... I would much rather watch a thunderstorm than give birth!!! LOL but then I am male!


Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

7 posted 1999-12-27 08:12 PM


I, for one, am with you on that Robert! And I am speaking from experience! hehehehe  

 Denise



Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
8 posted 1999-12-27 08:38 PM


That's pretty good for a guy!
That's just about the way it feels, give or take 7 or 8 hours!
Excellent!
Liz

Betty Gravitt
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 222
Georgia United States
9 posted 1999-12-27 10:10 PM


I agree with Denise I would rather watch a thunder storm also. hehehe. I also like this version better. I like the first, but this one has more. Elizabeth said it just right. Add 7 or 8 hours then you got it. Great read.

 B Gravitt



Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263

10 posted 1999-12-27 11:00 PM


The likening to birth is poetically apt...and very well delivered.
~ Claire

RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
11 posted 1999-12-27 11:01 PM


I thank all the "experts" in child birth for your input?

}

Robert

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
12 posted 1999-12-27 11:46 PM


Been there - Done that - I vote for the thunderstorm too.
RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
13 posted 1999-12-28 08:15 AM


hard to out do a good storm eh???
Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 1999-09-17
Posts 1495
Canyon Country, CA
14 posted 1999-12-28 04:14 PM


This is great!

 ~*~ Hell is not a place of fire and a devil with a tail and horns. But a place of torment because the light of God is gone. To escape this, accept the blood of Jesus Christ! ~*~


RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
15 posted 1999-12-28 04:21 PM


I thank all of you for your wonderfully inspiring comments. I feel inside of me that I am taking my poetry to a new place.

Wanna come with me??

Robert

 if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming.

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

16 posted 1999-12-28 09:41 PM


But of course!

 Denise



Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

17 posted 1999-12-29 05:23 AM


Wow - impressive stuff!


 ...I am not a painter, I am a poet... F. O'Hara

Rosemary J. Gwaltney
Senior Member
since 1999-08-26
Posts 997
northern mountains, Idaho
18 posted 1999-12-29 06:31 AM


I love the poem - I love thunderstorms - I loved giving birth too, and yes, this is excellent, superb, vivid imagery!  An outstanding work!
neitham
Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 42
India
19 posted 1999-12-29 07:15 AM


Vivid observation & powerful expression!
What had inspired you, if I may ask?  )

RobertB
Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104
Champaign, IL
20 posted 1999-12-29 08:11 AM


Hello to the "new" ones I have not seen before.


As to what inspired this....I was just thinking about how when it comes a storm here that the horizon is darkened by the clouds that come from the west. The rest just sort of came to me or came together.


Robert

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #5 » Storm Clouds (rewrite)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary