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I'm About To Make A Leap Of Faith

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Mistletoe Angel
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since 12-17-2000
Posts 34089
City of Roses


0 posted 08-04-2010 01:04 AM       View Profile for Mistletoe Angel   Email Mistletoe Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Mistletoe Angel's Home Page   View IP for Mistletoe Angel

(celestial group hug) I want to take this moment to thank y'all for providing me such emotional support and comfort, as I am in a tough spot presently with misunderstandings among loved ones escalating to a fever pitch.

The source of much of the escalation began on Friday evening, when I was checking my messages on my Yahoo account and I was shocked to find a message regarding a malicious computer virus popping up on the monitor. In no time, the virus contaminated virtually everything on the hard drive, to where I couldn't access a single web-page or even my Control Panel. Shrugging my shoulders as to what I could do from there to rectify the problem, I turned the computer off and went to bed.

Then, the following morning, my mother woke me up prior to me leaving to walk down to coordinate two volunteer events..............demanding that I have a talk with her for a moment. So I agreed, and she told me "You know the first thing I saw when I turned on the computer this morning?" and, assuming she was referring to the virus warning message, I answered her question and she yelled: "Pornography!" (which at the time I was oblivious to that the virus linked back to a pornography site and was even more baffled to learn that in that, while I admit to looking at consensual adult pornography about twice weekly on average, I hadn't looked at any at the time since Wednesday and certainly never meant to expose such content to her as I do respect her differing opinions on such a sensitive subject)............and from there veered into a challenging discussion on our differing life philosophies about volunteerism and making a living, ending with my mother saying: "Just go and do what you have to do, get out of my sight!"..........which I did without talking back.

Needless to say, the matter enshrouded my mind all weekend long and, by the time the latter eventwas riding off into the sunset, I experienced an emotional catharsis.

The part that haunts my heart most of all during this adverse time for me is my struggle in expressing my genuine gratitude toward my loved ones through speech. Paradoxically, it seems often that it is harder to speak to our loved ones openly than to anybody else, and that has been the story of my life recently. The fact that I am the capable, healthy, conscious individual I am today is a testament to exactly how triumphant their nurturing and parenting has been, which no present philosophical and personal divides can ever change or diminish.............and I can't begin to thank them for how much they've done for me over the past twenty-six and a half years, where many other parents would very likely have lacked the patience to deal coping with and working around my high-functioning autism growing up and even dismiss me because of what I was diagnosed with, for instance. Instead, I've emerged a healthy, confident young man whose achievements include being a high school valedictorian, making the Dean's List multiple times in college and being offered multiple volunteer appreciation rewards, among many other things.............which I credit my parents most of all for making possible.

But..............I suppose inevitably, when you are involved heavily in your own life and your loved ones are involved heavily in theirs, with decreasing opportunity for connection and communication...............misunderstandings will pop up like weeds in a garden bed..............and as much as it saddens my heart to admit this, I feel I may have crossed a Rubicon of sorts where, in at least the more immediate future, nothing I say will convince my loved ones my heart is in the right place and many of my recent life decisions, which are at odds with their wishes and expectations, have been wrought out of my strong belief that they are positive for my own personal development, rather than purposefully disrespecting them. And it is because I've found it increasingly difficult to express my gratitude to them openly through speech, as well as our minimal opportunity to connect, why I can't fault my parents for thinking the way they are about me and my motivations, and why I'm not angry with them...........as well as the simple fact that, generationally speaking, it is natural we're bound to view the world through different tinted lenses.

(wipes tears) So, adhering to the advice some of you have offered me, I have decided to write a letter to my loved ones: spelling out how grateful I am to have them in my life and noting particular ways they've helped shape the capable person I am today, then explaining why it is time for me to experiment moving beyond the nest and needing some time for myself. I believe I can be firm with them but soothe my words with peace, and I intend to explain the crossroads with them with this music artist-record company analogy I've been sharing as of late in describing my relationship with them (where, while I'm grateful that they have inspired many achievements in my life through their guidance and management these many years, that I respectfully disagree with how my life has been managed by them lately and that I aspire for more creative control of my life and so am announcing an amicable parting from them and that I am under new management, but will always love and appreciate them and welcome their encouragement on more indirect levels, and certainly want to remain in contact with them even if not under the same roof any more).

By the end of this week, I expect to deliver the letter to them and begin my time away from the nest. I believe it has to be done, and I can't hold back any longer, as I'll only needlessly replicate the ache I felt this past weekend if I do just that. I can't keep sucking on the nostalgia and worries like hard candy and bear feeling that lugubrious lump in my throat every time I swallow. I can't keep living like a one-winged sparrow in a sandstorm, believing I can fly right through the blistering maelstrom when my heart is telling me to be still and to fly around the outer rim of the storm.

I want this letter to be just as much a homage/tribute to how extraordinarily successful they have been as parents and how dear they are to me as an explanation to why it is time for me to move on, regardless of the vast unknown that surrounds me (we always seem to fear what we don't know, but it is by making that leap of faith that makes all the difference, I believe).

I ask that you not only for y'all to provide me strength and support at this time, but you also offer support and strength to my loved ones...............as I KNOW that this transition is just as tough and aching for them as it is for me, as it is natural for any devoted parent to feel worried at least, terrified at most seeing their child suddenly express signs of independence and personal growth with the fear he/she will make a crucial misstep along the path of uncertainty. As real as my criticisms of their recent parenting have been, I feel nothing but compassion for them and feel I understand to at least some degree where their feelings are coming from, and ask you offer them sympathy and strength as well! (wipes tears)

I won't lie to any of you............I'm unsure exactly what to do in the immediate sense in some areas being broke and unemployed...........but I have a support group, and I also know I'm far from alone in this experience, and as George Bernard Shaw said: "Optimism is the foundation of courage!". For all those who may be reading this and, in some form, have lived or are currently relating to my experience..............believe me..........you can do anything you set your heart to............and while it may not feel that way in the immediate sense...............the universe truly conspires on all our behalf collectively......................and we are destined to experience the bliss we follow! Know I'm cheering y'all on from the sidelines as well, and you have my shoulder to lean on when you need it as well! (wipes tear)

Bless y'all! I'm more blessed than ever to have y'all in my life, I love you sooooooooo much! (wipes fond tears)

Namaste,
Lisping Hibiscus


"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


1 posted 08-04-2010 07:28 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

Noah, I had no idea you were 26 already..and knowing your situation and personal  choices, I would think it about time for you to try being on your own, and to make sure you use your volunteering experience to find a job/career that will support you. Use all your  connections and friends to help you.

You can't keep using "autism" as an excuse, especially since your are at the top spectrum of it (I don't know if I am using the right term).

I am sure there is love and concern for you from your family but there are some things one doesn't expose their parents to, if not necessary, just as they don't expose you to everything in their own personal lives. I think that would be a sign of maturity on your part.

I can see both sides, but once on your own whatever is on your computer and in your thoughts will have no effect on them
(although I am not sure why they were viewing your computer anyway if it is yours.)

I wish you the best, but as I have replied above, I think it is your time to move on with your life.


M
latearrival
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since 03-21-2003
Posts 4407
Florida


2 posted 08-04-2010 09:27 PM       View Profile for latearrival   Email latearrival   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for latearrival

Noah, I understand your parents as you know from previous chats. I had a grandson and a boarder living in my house at the same time for a while.The boarder was fifty years old,my grandson was 22 and just out of the Navy. I worked midnight to eight a.m. My grandson worked four to midnight and the boarder worked  eight to five. I went into my computer one morning after coming home from work and found "Russian Babes"   pop up on my computer. Because a friend's  daughter and husband had recently adopted a Russian  child I opened it and lo and behold it was some very  high  porn. I clicked it off and found my main page was all porn and eveything I deleted only  left more porn.I had to call my son and have help deleting all the pron.I could tell it was my boarder because the time of use was on the sites. I asked him when I saw him if he knew much about the computer. He answed no. So I told him he could watch what he wanted but he had to learn how to delete everything and get rid of it because I also had a young grandson who visited and used the computer and I did not want him to pull this up.

That said; We had talked of your  problems  with the family  before and indeed it is time for you to branch out further and find a room to rent someplace. Maybe a friend can help until you start collecting a pay check.You mentioned a job fair you went to and a nice Market place where you might  have a job, on your Face book site.    

I would love to see you try to begin  your own life and regain the respect of your parents and even more to give you more growth as you  go on with your ventures. Best of luck to you Noah.
latearrival/jo

[This message has been edited by latearrival (08-05-2010 01:13 PM).]

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 02-08-2003
Posts 21103
Eternity


3 posted 08-07-2010 04:31 AM       View Profile for Margherita   Email Margherita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Margherita

quote:
the universe truly conspires on all our behalf collectively


I do believe this too.

Don't have the time for an appropriate reply, but wish you well from my heart, dear Noah!

May divine blessings shower you abundantly and may you move ahead on the path of your life with deep awareness and love.

Love and hugs.
Margherita
passing shadows
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since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


4 posted 08-15-2010 03:01 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

Noah, I have been in a mess of troubles myself...in jail, homeless, jobless, without a man, without a family, without a friend in the world... with my feet as the only way to get around sometimes...with an alcohol addiction...

but all things pass...everything works out eventually.

Glad to join in on that big hug here
You are in my thoughts.
suthern
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since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


5 posted 08-16-2010 08:44 AM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

I'm a bit late responding... but I'm wishing you and your folks the very best! Hugs, my friend... and good luck! May opportunities open for you and your life be blessed. *S*
Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 05-07-2001
Posts 5297
Netherlands


6 posted 08-17-2010 01:31 PM       View Profile for Titia Geertman   Email Titia Geertman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Titia Geertman's Home Page   View IP for Titia Geertman

I'm joining in the big hug too, to wish you (and your folks) all the strenghts you need to live through this new part of your life.
Even though it's scary for a parent (I've two grown up daughters) I still think every child is entitled to make his/her own mistakes in life. It's only making them strong and aware of who they really are or want to become. Our door stayed always open and they knew it.

Good luck on your new path, keep convidence in yourself and stay true to yourself and keep in touch with all your friends here at PiP if possible.

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

sandgrain
Member Elite
since 09-21-1999
Posts 3657
Sycamore, IL, USA


7 posted 09-02-2010 09:42 PM       View Profile for sandgrain   Email sandgrain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sandgrain

Oh my, Noah.  How I empathize with you.  I'm so sorry the economy makes finding employment much more of a challenge than ordinary.  My advice, from a concerned mother's view, would be to procure employment first, then find a home away from home.  Knowing you from these pages, tells me your folks have done outstanding parenting.  Of course, you deserve a great deal of credit for making use of what they've given you....many young people don't.

Please be careful, keep in touch and give your folks a hug from us, too.

God bless,
Rae
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


8 posted 09-08-2010 03:39 PM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

so what is happening with this?

I guess all I can say is at least you're not in prison or 6 feet under

we all have losses and gotta cut and run sometimes

put a resume together, get a haircut, and get out there shaking hands.

I left home at 17 on a bus, had two kids, got divorced, worked, went to college, went to jail, got remarried,got preggo 3 times and lost each baby etc etc...life goes on and so will you

I speak to my daughter every day...haven't talked to my dad in about 13 years or so and my brother is so high and mighty rich and all-knower of everything that i really haven't talked to him in years other than to tell him to stay away from me and my family...so yaknow, the ones who really matter will be there and the ones that don't, well, you can walk away and never look back...and it won't hurt you none if you don't let it

and come to pass when it's time, you will have the family you deserve

even if it's not blood
 
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