City of Roses
(celestial group hug) I want to take this moment to thank y'all for providing me such emotional support and comfort, as I am in a tough spot presently with misunderstandings among loved ones escalating to a fever pitch.
The source of much of the escalation began on Friday evening, when I was checking my messages on my Yahoo account and I was shocked to find a message regarding a malicious computer virus popping up on the monitor. In no time, the virus contaminated virtually everything on the hard drive, to where I couldn't access a single web-page or even my Control Panel. Shrugging my shoulders as to what I could do from there to rectify the problem, I turned the computer off and went to bed.
Then, the following morning, my mother woke me up prior to me leaving to walk down to coordinate two volunteer events..............demanding that I have a talk with her for a moment. So I agreed, and she told me "You know the first thing I saw when I turned on the computer this morning?" and, assuming she was referring to the virus warning message, I answered her question and she yelled: "Pornography!" (which at the time I was oblivious to that the virus linked back to a pornography site and was even more baffled to learn that in that, while I admit to looking at consensual adult pornography about twice weekly on average, I hadn't looked at any at the time since Wednesday and certainly never meant to expose such content to her as I do respect her differing opinions on such a sensitive subject)............and from there veered into a challenging discussion on our differing life philosophies about volunteerism and making a living, ending with my mother saying: "Just go and do what you have to do, get out of my sight!"..........which I did without talking back.
Needless to say, the matter enshrouded my mind all weekend long and, by the time the latter eventwas riding off into the sunset, I experienced an emotional catharsis.
The part that haunts my heart most of all during this adverse time for me is my struggle in expressing my genuine gratitude toward my loved ones through speech. Paradoxically, it seems often that it is harder to speak to our loved ones openly than to anybody else, and that has been the story of my life recently. The fact that I am the capable, healthy, conscious individual I am today is a testament to exactly how triumphant their nurturing and parenting has been, which no present philosophical and personal divides can ever change or diminish.............and I can't begin to thank them for how much they've done for me over the past twenty-six and a half years, where many other parents would very likely have lacked the patience to deal coping with and working around my high-functioning autism growing up and even dismiss me because of what I was diagnosed with, for instance. Instead, I've emerged a healthy, confident young man whose achievements include being a high school valedictorian, making the Dean's List multiple times in college and being offered multiple volunteer appreciation rewards, among many other things.............which I credit my parents most of all for making possible.
But..............I suppose inevitably, when you are involved heavily in your own life and your loved ones are involved heavily in theirs, with decreasing opportunity for connection and communication...............misunderstandings will pop up like weeds in a garden bed..............and as much as it saddens my heart to admit this, I feel I may have crossed a Rubicon of sorts where, in at least the more immediate future, nothing I say will convince my loved ones my heart is in the right place and many of my recent life decisions, which are at odds with their wishes and expectations, have been wrought out of my strong belief that they are positive for my own personal development, rather than purposefully disrespecting them. And it is because I've found it increasingly difficult to express my gratitude to them openly through speech, as well as our minimal opportunity to connect, why I can't fault my parents for thinking the way they are about me and my motivations, and why I'm not angry with them...........as well as the simple fact that, generationally speaking, it is natural we're bound to view the world through different tinted lenses.
(wipes tears) So, adhering to the advice some of you have offered me, I have decided to write a letter to my loved ones: spelling out how grateful I am to have them in my life and noting particular ways they've helped shape the capable person I am today, then explaining why it is time for me to experiment moving beyond the nest and needing some time for myself. I believe I can be firm with them but soothe my words with peace, and I intend to explain the crossroads with them with this music artist-record company analogy I've been sharing as of late in describing my relationship with them (where, while I'm grateful that they have inspired many achievements in my life through their guidance and management these many years, that I respectfully disagree with how my life has been managed by them lately and that I aspire for more creative control of my life and so am announcing an amicable parting from them and that I am under new management, but will always love and appreciate them and welcome their encouragement on more indirect levels, and certainly want to remain in contact with them even if not under the same roof any more).
By the end of this week, I expect to deliver the letter to them and begin my time away from the nest. I believe it has to be done, and I can't hold back any longer, as I'll only needlessly replicate the ache I felt this past weekend if I do just that. I can't keep sucking on the nostalgia and worries like hard candy and bear feeling that lugubrious lump in my throat every time I swallow. I can't keep living like a one-winged sparrow in a sandstorm, believing I can fly right through the blistering maelstrom when my heart is telling me to be still and to fly around the outer rim of the storm.
I want this letter to be just as much a homage/tribute to how extraordinarily successful they have been as parents and how dear they are to me as an explanation to why it is time for me to move on, regardless of the vast unknown that surrounds me (we always seem to fear what we don't know, but it is by making that leap of faith that makes all the difference, I believe).
I ask that you not only for y'all to provide me strength and support at this time, but you also offer support and strength to my loved ones...............as I KNOW that this transition is just as tough and aching for them as it is for me, as it is natural for any devoted parent to feel worried at least, terrified at most seeing their child suddenly express signs of independence and personal growth with the fear he/she will make a crucial misstep along the path of uncertainty. As real as my criticisms of their recent parenting have been, I feel nothing but compassion for them and feel I understand to at least some degree where their feelings are coming from, and ask you offer them sympathy and strength as well! (wipes tears)
I won't lie to any of you............I'm unsure exactly what to do in the immediate sense in some areas being broke and unemployed...........but I have a support group, and I also know I'm far from alone in this experience, and as George Bernard Shaw said: "Optimism is the foundation of courage!". For all those who may be reading this and, in some form, have lived or are currently relating to my experience..............believe me..........you can do anything you set your heart to............and while it may not feel that way in the immediate sense...............the universe truly conspires on all our behalf collectively......................and we are destined to experience the bliss we follow! Know I'm cheering y'all on from the sidelines as well, and you have my shoulder to lean on when you need it as well! (wipes tear)
Bless y'all! I'm more blessed than ever to have y'all in my life, I love you sooooooooo much! (wipes fond tears)
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"