City of Roses
As many of you are well aware (even to a limited extent), my life has changed dramatically for the better in many ways as of late, as I've come to embrace my own body, learn to live outside of myself, take a much more active part in the community in a diverse slate of fashions and have been taking chances and risks to a much greater degree.
Despite this, my recent life decisions have proven understandably controversial to my loved ones (I say understandably because I've lived in a highly sheltered environment for the last quarter-century and I am absolutely sympathetic of my parents when they are scared to death for me in me suddenly opening up quite remarkably and fearing I'll get hurt and all because of my inexperience living beyond the house)...........resulting in a recent widening chasm between my parents and I, which I attribute primarily to well-intended misunderstandings from my parents' point of view regarding my intentions, generational differences and, being diagnosed with high-functioning autism, them understandably feeling they are especially responsible for my well-being and can't help but feel many of my views aren't my own and I am merely soaking up the world like a sponge and thus can easily be taken advantage of and/or usurped.
Within the last four months, some uncomfortable exchanges have been made from those I love dearly, and while they sting deep down, I have not reacted defensively; trying to assure them I am being responsible and am taking care of myself and those I have gotten to befriend are not of a cult and, on the contrary, value personal freedom and respect, and wouldn't purposefully hurt me and, in the rare instance I was hurt, I would stand up for myself.
In spite of that, I'm not at all proud to admit the following, but since our first uncomfortable exchange on Halloween, with the intention of not wanting to cause any persistent heartache to my loved ones, I had decided to tell alibis and white lies to them regarding many of my recent whereabouts with certain communities, which with each one I told I have only felt my heart feel heavier because naturally I am known to be a straight-shooter who nonetheless shoots as gently as I can each time, as I've believed since living more consciously that, as soon as one realizes the "truth" in his/her experience, it must be spoken right away.........and having to do otherwise just isn't me at heart, even when my reasoning for doing so was understandable.
But now, I've come to the point where I can't do this anymore............after dancing as brazenly and magnanimously as I can as I always do until I found myself dancing with tears in my eyes toward the end. With each alibi I've made I've felt my heart sting, and now that I feel this emotional asphyxia from doing so, I know I have to stop and that I know what I must do. It's as though my life is a stage and, in the setlist of my set spanning from one end of my life to the other, I've presently just transitioned from the bridge to the final chorus in an aching, softly sliding ballad about love in challenging times.........and I know the song must end with a cathartic coda where I wail from the top of my lungs in my most honest tone of voice: "This is me you're talking to!" again and again until my voice quavers and you can visibly see the nacreous glare of the lighting ricochet from my tears.
So, I have chosen Saturday to invite a couple of friends over I've made from a heart-conscious community to my family's house, and to have a heart-to-heart, hopefully active listening, talk together, where I will open up to them about all I've been doing and my intentions................................and I'm not sure what will happen given the nasty barbs cast the previous time I had a conversation of this sort on Halloween evening, but I know in heart it is the right thing to do.
(big group hug) I'm asking with dewy eyes as I'm typing this for your support and faith that this can hopefully prove to be a positive experience that builds understanding between me, my parent and my friends, as usually I have proven time and again to be resilient and to persevere and soldier on on my own, but I honestly could use some shoulders to lean on at this time. And should the worst-case scenario occur, where I am ousted from my family's house and, in at least the short term an unnavigable divide based on irreconcilable differences stretches between my parents............and I may have to couch-hop or live on the streets for a while...........I'll accept that's the way it has to be and I'll simply be grateful to the first degree that my parents helped me become the capable, unique individual I am today and they will know in heart that I will always love them wholeheartedly and, sometimes, saying "Au revoir!" is a second chance.
Bless you all, you are the best friends one can ever ask for, and I thank you wholeheartedly for taking me as I am and listening, even if you may disagree with me at times, which I'm accepting of as well! (hugs)
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"