We are better than a week ago...when we lost him. We are having some in-law issues however.. which I won't go into on a public board.. but let's say that all people are NOT as they seemed... unfortunately. Michael would NOT be happy either.
I am re-posting this July 2000 poem of Michael's about his mother's death. He told me over and over that I couldn't understand how he felt inside about losing his parents.. not until I had lost mine.
Well.. he was right. I understand now. I can feel his pain in his words more vividly now... now that I've lost my father... and my husband.. and my first love. Three very different circumstances... but three very important people in my heart.
I have been meaning to tell you all a little story... it shows how caring Michael was... and how he cared about me. I had burned the top of my right hand sometime before Thanksgiving...on the oven door. A pretty bad burn.
When he saw it, he INSISTED that he become my doctor concerning that. Every day he would take my hand and massage lotion into that burn..."to keep it from scaring.. you have such pretty hands.. we can't let it scar..." he said.
He would lovingly massage tons of that lotion into my skin...way more than was necessary, but he didn't understand that anymore.. and I was enjoying those moments so much, I didn't stop him. It was "our" time... well.. some of it anyway.
He was MY doctor.. he enjoyed that...instead of always being the patient.. he was the care-giver for a little while. And all the loving attention he gave that burn.. helped, because there is no trace of a scar. I really thought there would be. He was proud of that. I will always remember that.
Here's the poem:
I Hid Her Pictures
A flower must take just one last look
At one more sun before it dies
I wonder if that's how she felt
I wish that I could search her eyes
So often grief will try to win
And try to blind my eyes with tears
And now I stand here hurt again
As I have been for many years
Choke back the sobs, get on with life
Although you feel so all alone
Be strong for both your son and wife
And remember you still have a home
I so often in the mirror see
Her face when gazing at my own
Because I am her son, you see
Aloud, I wish that I could moan
I miss her smile so very much
I miss her wisdom. I miss her scent
I miss her guidance and her touch
I miss the way her life was spent
Deep sadness runs on little feet
They seek the darkness of my heart
And in a crowd do they all meet
So they can rip what's left apart
Confused and numb I wander on
My father gone nine years before
And now my mother, please no more
I often feel so all alone
Such loving things she'd tried to teach
That I rebelled against in youth
But now they're part of who I am
Because I finally saw their truth
I hid her pictures from my sight
So stronger could I grow with years
And find a room to lock this hurt
So I could see, without the tears
Her body turned to ashes be
I carried them with gentle hands
And cast them to the winds at sea
And watched them fall upon the sands
Nine years before I did the same
With my poor father, bless his heart
Now they're both just sea and sand
And will forever be a part
Sometimes I sit and watch the sea
As starlight bathes me in the night
I know they're there, just out of reach
And will also be with coming light
Though years have come and years have gone
Forgetfulness they would not bring
My heart has yet to find new song
And my voice forgotten how to sing
But strong I must be, this I know
These tears in prison must I keep
For if I let just one tear flow
Forever do I think I'd weep
I will post some of mine too.. but keep in mind.. I was about 18 when I wrote them!
It will be sometime this weekend...
It's Not About Age, It's About Life