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English 300- Essay first draft- what do you think?

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Kellie_Cantrell
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since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


0 posted 08-24-2004 05:41 PM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell


By the end of my junior year in high school I was convinced that my life sucked.  I was over emotional and immature for my age.  My issues had always been bottled up inside, and I'd take it out on someone else later on.  Sometimes even years went by.  My parent's were in the process of divorce and my favorite teacher had died.  I wasn't sure where to step next, I was afraid that the ground beneath my feet would not be solid.  For me, things were tough. I didn't know how to display my emotion or to explain my thoughts and feelings because I was scared and ashamed.
I didn't know where to turn at this point in my life.  I felt hopeless. I was too chicken to hurt myself so I cheated. I slit my wrists so that I would miss the vein but still feel the pain and see the blood. I began pouring out depressed poetry and short stories.  It was a desperate cry for help.  This should have been a wake up call for me.  It wasn't.  My mind blocked it and I just went on.
This path led me to the next attention seeking stunt.  I think that each stunt that I attempted taught me a lesson and that I didn't realise the importance of each of these lessons until later in my life.  It didn't take forever to realise that the lessons were there.  I think it only took a year.  Looking back I see how horrible I treated myself and the people who cared about me.
My family cared for me a lot.  We were a very close family. The only thing that seperated us was the fact that we lived at two houses and we would commute 15 minutes every other weekend.  This didn't ruin our lives, it barely even disrupted them.  That was on the surface though. Deep down inside the disruption was volcanic.  It erupted at the wrong times and was just a pain.  I still wasn't sure how to channel my emotions and I still hadn't accepted the divorce of my parent's.  I was too busy taking advantage of the new found freedom's that I had.
I began seeking relationships.  At first they were healthy. The relationships were good and I enjoyed being around my new found friends. These people are a community of poets.  This family that lives among the blue walls of passions has taught me many things about life.  Even though our relationships have had many bumps and struggles, they have always been there for me. No matter what.  At one point in my life I was so desperate for attention I compromised their friendship. From that I learned values and integrity. Although I was wrong to be deceitful, they were there to challenge me and mature me.  I still to this day have not gained back the level trust that I would have liked to have, but I have to accept the responsibility that I played a part in.  I took their trust away from me. They are not accountable for my actions. I am.
Then there were the not "healthy" relationships. This relationship brought on stress and vulnerability.  I thought that I was mature and responsible just on the basis that I was dating an older man.  He wasn't that much older than I, 2 years. Yet, I took advantage of myself and our relationship.  I take full responsibility for the outcome of the situation. I became pregnant after deciding that I was mature enough to handle a baby at 18. In fact, I was too immature to think about birth control. I was to immature to say no.  I was far from responsible. I was equally far from mature.  This brought to me the realization that I'm not always "right" and I don't always do what is best.  In the situation regarding the baby I was wrong. I should have worried much more. Instead I was excited. I was excited because I was embarrassed and immature.  The outcome of this was good for me.  I had a miscarriage and that was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.  From that I learned responsibility, from that I learned that I need to display good character. Loyalty, honesty, morality and responsibility, without these traits one cannot function in society.
I have been critized for my actions.  I have critized myself for my actions.  To analyze myself now I can clearly see change. I have grown-up a lot in the past year and I have become more independant and a lot less attention seeking.  I strive to display my true character and allow everyone to know "me" as I truly am and not a fictional being that is attention thirsty.

Feel free to look in Spiritual, Critical and Prose for writing by me!

God Bless,
Kellie

Larry C
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Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
United States


1 posted 08-24-2004 05:52 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

So I take it you are ignoring the recommendations in the other thread? And you are developing this into five pages? Hmmm, I still think the other has more potential in every way. Don't mean to be a pest, but you were the one that asked, right?

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


2 posted 08-24-2004 06:00 PM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell

No, I am not ignoring the recommendations. I am working on getting that onto paper and getting it into the draft of the essay. So far it is in the essay but it is only referenced. I am trying to figure out a way to get it in the essay without losing sight of what I am trying to say.
Larry C
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Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
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3 posted 08-24-2004 06:54 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you. College is a serious time of growth. And as implied in my quote, growth and pain are connected. And since you put it out there as a topic of some pain I am guessing that there is some stress in dealing with the responses. But I know the people who are giving you feedback and they are good people with good intentions. And so far they are giving solid advice. So my personal opinion, right now, is that their recommendation has more poetential for growth in you class. I do wish you peace. But reflecting on my own college years they had an equal amount of turmoil. So don't let discouragement overwhelm you. We do care...

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Midnitesun
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since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


4 posted 08-24-2004 07:21 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

Well, Kell, you have numerous grammatical errors, but since this is a rough draft, I expect you intend to correct them before turning in the final version.
One of my concerns is your decision to throw everything into one jumbled basketful rather than concentrating on one potential life-changing event makes this draft lack focus.
But my primary concern is how it emotionally strikes this reader.  I'm not convinced you've really learned the best lesson from some of these experiences. Take some time and look carefully at what you've written from outside your own shoes, from outside your own mindset. It's a difficult thing to do, but part of being a writer and a responsible adult requires that you do this.
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


5 posted 08-26-2004 10:44 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

quote:
In English we have been assigned an essay. It is a narrative on something that has substantially changed you as a person.
[Emphasis added]
In January 2004 you announced to your parents that you "lied" about being pregnant.  Now you say,
quote:
I had a miscarriage

Kellie, you asked for suggestions on what we, as peers/friends/poets, whatever, might have for you as suggestions in this something that substantially changed you as a person.

Why did you tell us of the pregnancy, then not come back and tell us of the miscarriage? Those who have remained as your friends despite all of the things you've said/done here at Passions can easily become confused over what you think is important in your life.

This essay has not centered on one "something" that has substantially changed your life.  In fact, it's pretty much a reiteration of all of the various discussion threads you've ever left on the boards.

Kellie, as a friend first, I would suggest that you scrap this and take a look around at all you've said and done and left in print for us to read as "fact", which more and more appears to me as not so much fact as fiction, or better yet, a "dreamworld" of how you perceive life.  
quote:
We were a very close family.

What precipitated the divorce, Kellie?  Certainly not closeness.  

Larry has commented that you will not look to the events that "changed your life" here at Passions.  So, then, step back even further. Apparently your parents divorce may indeed be a key factor into that "something" that changed your life.

I continue to hope for the best for you, Kellie, but until you decide to face reality, it's going to be a very, very rocky road.
Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


6 posted 09-11-2004 12:33 AM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell

Sunshine- I was ashamed of the miscarriage, one because I was immature and stupid about the prenancy and two, I thought people would think of me as unworthy, it wasn't because I didn't want to share with you, I was afraid people might judge me. I was wrong though as I often am, and I am trying to be a better person.
-Kellie
Greeneyes
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In Your Poetic Mind


7 posted 09-11-2004 09:25 AM       View Profile for Greeneyes   Email Greeneyes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Greeneyes

From an English major standpoint there are errors all through this, simple words misspelled and fragments.  Taking note it is a rough draft. I have to say as well -- there is not one thought I can completely follow with out a second thought jumping in.  

The opening is less then desired, “By the time my junior year rolled around” if you are writing on life it would be important to point out what lead to your junior life sucking. It was not just your junior year that shaped life.  What events lead up to so much turmoil? (This is how I read it).  I would urge the same from the given advice.  (By others)

“The only thing that separated us was the fact that we lived at two houses and we would commute 15 minutes every other weekend.  This didn't ruin our lives, it barely even disrupted them.  That was on the surface though. Deep down inside the disruption was volcanic.  It erupted at the wrong times and was just a pain.  I still wasn't sure how to channel my emotions and I still hadn't accepted the divorce of my parent's.”

A parent divorcing is not a pain, it hurts!  And it is very disruptive to everyone involved. You may have thought this didn’t shape life for you, but I am pretty sure it did/has.  

” Then there were the not "healthy" relationships. This relationship brought on stress and vulnerability.  I thought that I was mature and responsible just on the basis that I was dating an older man.  He wasn't that much older than I, 2 years. Yet, I took advantage of myself and our relationship.  I take full responsibility for the outcome of the situation. I became pregnant after deciding that I was mature enough to handle a baby at 18. In fact, I was too immature to think about birth control. I was too immature to say no.  I was far from responsible. I was equally far from mature.”

You have repeated your thoughts more then once just in this stanza alone, I would suggest rewording it.  (And 2=two) You didn’t just one day wake up and decide you were mature enough to handle a baby did you? After all that society teaches? I can’t believe that, what actually made you think having a baby at 18 was good?  Were you thinking divert attention from my life, to one that needs me, and will love me with no fault?  I would dig a little deeper there Kelly, at 26 when I had my first daughter in no way was I ready.  

Over all, this would be good with time taken on some major points in your life.  A little move involvement into your feelings and why you felt that way would shape this, I feel, into something that stands out.  

I hope this helps? And good luck to you.  

I don’t want the world to see me
cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

 
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