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Passions in Poetry

Florida Hurricane Preparedness

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Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 08-17-2004 06:29 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

For all of you Florida poets who have just had a big scare (as did I) with Charley, I would like to post this hurricance preparedness fact sheet to aid you for the rest of the hurricane season...


You all should be aware of hurricane preparations,
but in case you need a refresher course:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and
see a weather person pointing to some radar blob
out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences,
we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.

Put these supplies into your car.

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you
hurricane insurance, because then they might be required
to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got
into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company,
which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment,
this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that
once you get them all up, your hands will be useless
bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.
The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house
to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows,
but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure
of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc...
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into
your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the
hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a
major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So,
as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that
you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the
supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to
food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for
the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional,
so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you
keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488

1 posted 08-17-2004 07:24 PM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

You are so funny --- some good tips...and so humorously provided!
Poet deVine
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 08-17-2004 08:03 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I took a very low paying job just because they said the building I work in is hurricane if the electricity goes out and the hurricane comes, I can pretend to type on my computer!!!

Seriously, my son works for Florida Power & Light - he'll be working. My daughter works for a hospital - she'll be working. So I figured me and my cat are going to my office which is (as they told me) hurricane proof.

I can't wait to eat cold Vienna Sausages and stale crackers while sipping on a glass of year old water!! Yummmmmm
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines

3 posted 08-17-2004 08:11 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

Smiling at you Balladeer...and hoping  all the others from here are managing...

Member Ascendant
since 12-22-2000
Posts 6147
standing on a shadow's lace

4 posted 08-17-2004 10:33 PM       View Profile for 1slick_lady   Email 1slick_lady   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit 1slick_lady's Home Page   View IP for 1slick_lady

too funny and not to worry...i got my bleach...but where in the hell did i put that crank can opener??? sigh oh sigh
Poet deVine
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley

5 posted 08-17-2004 11:03 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Hey!!! A question for the police:

What do you do with prisoners in jail during a hurricane? Do you let them sit there? Are all jails hurricane proof?
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart

6 posted 08-17-2004 11:10 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

You are priceless, and precious.  To all Floridians...stay safe...

...and move to Kansas!

[at least we don't have alligators... ]
Paula Finn
Member Ascendant
since 06-17-2000
Posts 5525

7 posted 08-25-2004 12:52 PM       View Profile for Paula Finn   Email Paula Finn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Paula Finn

LOL I went through this when we lived in Hawaii and Iniki went through...I worked in the little convenience store on base and man-oh-man can I relate to the last minute shopping. I bet we sold  a bajillion batteries LOL...Hugs to you 'deer.
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020

8 posted 08-25-2004 01:30 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

LOL, this really should be published and distributed with every WELCOME to FLORIDA new neighbor packet.
Member Elite
since 09-18-2000
Posts 2272

9 posted 08-25-2004 04:49 PM       View Profile for inot2B   Email inot2B   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for inot2B

Commercial on TV in South Texas are saying, "See what happened in Florida, it could happen here. Come buy your hurricane supplies early don't wait till everything is sold out."
The companies that sell home improvement items act like they're disappointed we haven't even got a scare so far.
I like to wait till the weather people assure me it will hit my neighborhood. I mean they don't make mistakes do they?
Glad to know you are alright.
wandering glider
Senior Member
since 04-04-2001
Posts 504

10 posted 08-25-2004 05:47 PM       View Profile for wandering glider   Email wandering glider   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wandering glider

Well shucks, even Paradise has a price?
Member Elite
since 06-24-2004
Posts 3983

11 posted 08-26-2004 05:25 AM       View Profile for miscellanea   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for miscellanea

nice to have humor in Paradise!  All true I imagine!  
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