By the sea
How do we handle fear, the unknown, the possible loss of a father to his son? The odds are stacked against me now, as you well know.
My only child, my son, the only thing I've done right in my life needs me now, but his fear of losing me frightens me more than anyting, the tumors, the illness, the losing of weight and not being able to eat, the Chemo, ANYTHING!
I try to be brave when I speak with him, but he's SO scared. That fear makes me only want to fight all the more, because he doesn't want to lose his daddy, his best friend. Any of us going through this needs a reason to fight. I'm fighting for my only child, my very heart!
My son, Chris, is brave. I spoke with him tonight about smoking, drugs, addictive things, as I've done so many times, warning him of the dangers. I hope and pray to God that he doesn't follow my foolishness. Any of you would find him SO precious, caring, feeling, sensitive. He will make a great husband one day for the girl he chooses. I want to be there for him in the future, but it's likely that I won't be. You can't begin to imagine the pain that gives me. My heart has always beat with his own. He's my best friend, the best thing that ever happened to me. I dearly hope that I won't be the best thing that ever happened to him, because he needs SO much more!
I continue to fight, never doubt that, but I'm likely going to lose this battle, according to the doctors. However, I feel that Jesus will intervene and rescue my life, because my family needs me, Chris needs me, my friends need me. I'm not giving up.
The stars will shine when I am gone,
the earth will turn on as before,
the gulls, still race along the shore,
the morning star, still kiss the dawn