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Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

0 posted 2004-02-20 02:22 AM

In all honesty, I'm not sure I have or haven't, because my memory is so bad and I hope Ron will forgive me if I'm repeating myself and not consider this a double post.

I've spoken with some of my online friends and even some members of my family.  This Saturday there is supposed to be some kind of a reunion and it's one meant for me, one meant to give me as much support as they no how to give, but because my memory is so in and out now, because I'm so weak, I'm not sure how to show the strength they all once knew from me.  I haven't been able to eat in four days.  I tried once again tonight, only to throw up yet again, unfortunately, this time in the floor.

I tend to go from feeling hot and sweaty to being so cold that it doesn't feel I'll ever be able to get warm again.   This tends to happen about every four or five minutes, so I have no idea how to feel comfortable and my sleep is pretty much history, it even happening while I'm finally trying to get some much needed rest.

Tumors in both lungs, one in my Adreanal Gland and now one showing up in my liver, yet both of my lungs have yet to be completely xrayed, not to mention the one that stole my voice and is likely, even if removed successfully, to mute my voice for the rest of my life.

I need each of you to hold me now.  I need my online friends to come visit or call if they can.  I need some very real hugs from each of you.  If I could, I'd love to feel that hug, because I think it would help me more than you could ever know.

I'm scared!  When I fought cancer the first time I WAS scared, but was able to eat then.  Now, I'm more scared than I was ever able to let on back then.  Come see me, you're welcome here.  I need lots of hugs, your warmth, your smiles.  I need real warm hugs now, because I'm SO cold.

Michael

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

1 posted 2004-02-20 04:19 AM

Michael, I know what you are going through as I have told you, my sister is going through the same although she lost her voice over 6 months ago...
If I was close and she was well I would come visit you and give you that hug in person.

Maureen

[This message has been edited by nakdthoughts (02-20-2004 06:17 AM).]

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2004-02-20 06:58 AM

Michael, I hope a sincere hug from across the miles will provide some warmth. I'm thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will find some improvement soon. Take care of you.

Warm hugs coming your way ...

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2004-02-20 08:42 AM

Listen to your inner self, Michael, and you will have the strength you so need. Sending warm hugs, and quilts of care.

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

4 posted 2004-02-20 09:01 AM

Dearest Michael,
Closeness~Being close in spirit is what matters most
when it is virtually impossible to be together in person.
Sweet memories and thoughts of you are wrapped gently 'round my heart.
Warm healing hugs are on their way Michael.
Missing you dearly, Nancy.

Nightshade

Member Patricius

since 2001-08-31

Posts 13962
just out of reach

5 posted 2004-02-20 10:03 AM

Dear Michael, I am hugging you tightly in my thoughts and prayers. The outpouring of love from your Passions friends will sail on the wind to you, and lend you our strength and faith. Take heart dear, gentle, man.

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

6 posted 2004-02-20 10:50 AM

Michael
You are constantly in my thoughts.

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

7 posted 2004-02-20 09:36 PM

Well, Michael, I don't know where you are. If you're near me I'll come and visit you. In the meantime I'm sending you spirit hugs, and you are in my prayers. I'm so sorry you are afraid, I wish I could do more to help you. Kahlil

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

8 posted 2004-02-21 04:15 AM

Ask Martie, I give her permission to share my address with you. And thank you so much for your caring. That makes you very, very special.

The stars will shine when I am gone,
the earth will turn on as before,
the gulls, still race along the shore,
the morning star, still kiss the dawn

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

9 posted 2004-02-21 08:54 AM

((((((((HUGS)))))))))) from across the ocean.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

10 posted 2004-02-21 04:25 PM

Michael, I can't be there... but I can and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

11 posted 2004-02-22 02:02 AM

I live in Savannah, Georgia, God's country!

  I abolutely love it here, the ocean, salt marshes, oaks covered in Spanish moss.  I find it all so very healing.

For two days now I've been hydrated, so I've more strength now than I've had.  I also have more strenth of will and REFUSE to let this take me out.  I've always been a fighter and this latest battle is one I do NOT intend to lose.

Since I'm hydrated now my memory has cleared up and I've had to make some tough choices.  I'm not wanting them to use radiation again because it tends to destroy underlying tissue.  In other words, it could destroy all but half a lung, leaving me in bed for the rest of my life, so I'm choosing Chemo.  It's almost equally as horrible, but it goes through the blood stream destroying every cancer cell it comes into contact with.  It's very horrible, causing you days of vomiting, not being able to eat, but I feel it's the right choice.  I may have to fight with my doctors about it, might even lose, but at least I'll be a major player in my own life.

I still have fear, MUCH fear, but I'm trusting God to see me through this.  He did so once before and I have confidence that He will do so again.  He's my hero!

I finally realized that my memory loss and continued loss of weight was due to cancer, but please know that I've never forgotten any of you.  You've always treated me with compassion, love and honest feelings.  That says a lot about this wonderful home and the beautiful hearts it tends to draw.  My dear thanks and God's own blessings to each of you.  Yes, He still blesses me, dear ones, please never doubt that.  He loves me.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers and caring.  I know I'm going through the most terrifying time of my life right now, but knowing you're here for me means more than I could ever begin to adequately explain.

Do know, I love and respect each of you.  You're the best of the best!

See ya,
Michael

The stars will shine when I am gone,
the earth will turn on as before,
the gulls, still race along the shore,
the morning star, still kiss the dawn

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

12 posted 2004-02-22 05:05 AM

Dear Michael, my heart goes out to you! I am connecting with you right now through the power of love, sending you a big tender hug. Yes, this is very scaring, but your attitude is so positive and you show such faith, that I am sure our Lord of Heavens is holding you close in His heart and is giving you His Love and Healing touch.
There is no separateness in the realms of Love, may you connect to the Source of All there is and feel this Love.
May healing energy pervade your body and touch every cell, restoring your wholeness.
Sending you much love. May the Angels walk with you through this difficult and painful time.
Love, Margherita

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

13 posted 2004-02-22 12:05 PM

sending you more hugs, Michael.

Deb Lynne
Member

since 1999-08-19

Posts 180
Where blue skies meet blue ocean

14 posted 2004-02-22 10:03 PM

Lots of love, prayers and HOPE for you from North Carolina!

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

15 posted 2004-02-22 10:06 PM

Michael, I hope you got my email. Too bad we live so far apart that I can't give you a hug in person, but I am with you in spirit. You've been in my heart all day. ~K~

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

16 posted 2004-02-22 11:18 PM

count me in on the hugs and prayers

I'm holding you in my heart Michael

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

17 posted 2004-02-22 11:23 PM

Oh, Michael, our dear, sweet Michael. I am sending you the warmest, biggest, most loving and healing hug from the depths of my very being. Your suffering is beyond comprehension. I have prayed for you countless times over many, many months. I have missed your smiling, friendly, talented presence here at PiP. Our prayer circle will continue to hold you lovingly in its sacred centre. You have so many friends who care deeply for you. Prayers can move mountains and those mountains you've been climbing are going to crumble like the walls of Jericho! We'll pray and pray and pray until there is nary a rock left in your path.

God bless you Michael, and may the Archangel Lord Michael wrap you in his healing blue light!

Love & Healing hugs,
Linda
EA

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

18 posted 2004-02-23 04:50 AM

I'm afraid and dearly miss my friends.  Two years ago I thought the removal of a lung was a terrifying experience, one that changed my breathing and life forever, but now, now...

In all honesty, this could be the end of my life.  I know that, I do.  IF this is the end, I want to go out fighting, not crying my ass off, not wimping out, just fighting back.  I've always been a fighter and refuse to not fight now.

My only child, my son, is very scared.  His fear, when he's away, causes me tears, even though I have none of my own for what I'm going through, but his tears, hurt the hell out of me!!!  He needs me, damn it!!! He NEEDS me!

Cancer can kiss my ass!!!!!  I'm going to win this for HIM and my friends!  I refuse to give up, I refuse!

Please do not count me out, but your letters would also help give me strength to fight.  I need ALL of you right now, ALL of you.  Help me, dear poets, dear friends.  I need you.

Hugs and much love,
Michael

The stars will shine when I am gone,
the earth will turn on as before,
the gulls, still race along the shore,
the morning star, still kiss the dawn

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

19 posted 2004-02-23 06:18 AM

Dear sweet Michael, I am here with my heart hugs for you, too. With all these hugs and love from your friends, I pray that you will gain strength. My thoughts and prayers are continuously with you, as I know so many others are. You are a dear sweet man who has always been so nice and compassionate to us here. I wish that I could give you a hug in person. I hope that you can feel this love from all of us and that it will give you the warmth and strength that you need.

Michael, if I had your e-mail, I would send you an e-mail letter. We all love you very much, Michael. Please know that.
With love and Heart Hugs,
Ethel

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

20 posted 2004-02-24 01:32 AM

You may ask any of my friends for my e-mail, because I've also considered you a friend, as well. I'm sure Martie, Karilea, Kit, any of them would readily supply it. I would give it to you myself, but my memory is such that I only know how to do so from time to time. You're welcome to write, please know that. Also know, that I'll do my best in responding, though it may take me days to do so until my memory is such that I can.

You've always treated me with much respect, always replied to my poetry with the kindest of words. I've yet to forget that, so, please know how dearly I still appreciate you.

Michael

The stars will shine when I am gone,
the earth will turn on as before,
the gulls, still race along the shore,
the morning star, still kiss the dawn

Tais
Member

since 2004-01-28

Posts 92
Ontario, Canada

21 posted 2004-02-24 05:21 AM

Dear Michael,

I am sort of new here, but had the opportunity to see two of your posts amongst so many other members' posts.
And yours is one of the most sincere, and loving ones. There are many wonderful ones here ...and yours is one of those, which stand out.
Love and warmth dance throughout your posts, even though you feel cold right now at home, please know that you make others feel so warm and delighted with your words.

To be scared is natural for people when they are ill. But God is there, to hold your hand and make you feel safe. God's love, warmth and forgiveness are greater than any human being can imagine or understand. And He is always there, with his arms open, for all of His children, to hug and comfort.

I am a 'hand holder' - used to volunteer more in the past, but still do this as time permits - and I have been/am at the bedside of so many people who were/are ill. A lot of them went/go home after a while, and got better.

But they had all two things in common: they were scared and they had thirst for warmth, which they could not figure out what it was. This warmth was the feeling of God's love.

One lady, whom I sat beside at her hospital bed, was crying. She was scared, but had no family or friends there...just me.
She saw a cross I was wearing (crucifix) and grabbed it. She looked me in the eyes and said that it's been years since she last prayed. I held her hands - both of them - and put them together and told her that we would pray together. We prayed and prayed and prayed. As tears rolled down her eyes, she also had a smile on her face of happiness.
Every time I saw her after that day, she was always smiling and was not scared anymore.

Of course, that did not happen with all of those patients, but it did happen to some other too...the same way - we prayed together.

I am sure you already do pray and I am sure you already have lots of Faith. But please know that with your post, many, many people must be praying also with you...not physically, but you are in their prayers. You are in my prayers too.

By what I read in the posts here in this thread by other members to you, you have a wonderful talent - your writing.

So please do put on paper, your feelings, your reflections, your thoughts. And share these with us, so that we can be part of them as well.

I also like your name very much. It's the name of an important arch-angel - St Michael Arch-angel who fought/fights evil.

God bless you my friend, and I pray that you will feel warmth and comfort each second more and more.

Tais

[This message has been edited by Tais (02-24-2004 07:14 AM).]

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

22 posted 2004-02-24 03:20 PM

Michael, I just sent you an e-mail. I hope that you get it, my friend.

Heart hugs,

Ethel

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