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Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


0 posted 11-30-2002 03:39 PM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell


Hey there. I have some questions about a reply to my short story "Through Alysen's eyes." I am rewriting it and I wanted to have you clarify/ teach me something.

Hey. I really liked the introductory of this. The "Hello, my name is..." made for a nice, and very affable meeting of mind between the writer and reader.
This is your post. In it I aw something that I don't know how to do but would love to give it a try.
-------------------------------------------------
I would have liked to have seen a bit more emotive description of the experiences. You gave A LOT of information, and I can imagine the emotion behind the thought, but as a reader, I want that drawn out for me...perhaps a personal preference, but I find that even when reading writing from a first person point of view, it helps to know a bit about the hows, wheres, whys, etc. regarding about how the persona came to experience that list of happenings. I think it helps to know first, who that person is, and then we will care how they became shaped into the being they are.

This could easily be five hundred pages. I would love to see you re-work this--from point of view--backward...with full descriptions. Smiling, even if it does not make this a great literary piece? It's a very effective writing exercize. There are some topics of much sensitivity here that could be explored in great depth. You have a mother-lode of writing material in this listing of events. Draw out the character, and make the reader care. Ah...let me correct me, don't MAKE the reader, but, seduce the reader into the interest of the characterization.

This is an excellent start Kellie. Write.
---------------------------------------------------
in there you said "This could easily be five hundred pages. I would love to see you re-work this--from point of view--backward...with full descriptions."

How do I do that? could you show me? I really think thatit will be beneficial to me if I knew how.
thank you so much,
Kelly
Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
United States


1 posted 11-30-2002 05:26 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

Yeah Karen! How does she do that?

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


2 posted 11-30-2002 05:43 PM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell

Hey Larry. I can't wait to learn how
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 12-01-2002 11:29 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Hi Kelly...

I never had a crique of mine show up in announcements before.

How do you do that? Smiling, for example, "The hello" opening is a wonderful opportunity for you to describe who you are. I could do something similar but I wouldn't want to assume to know "you" or your characterization of you. But describe--don't report. And don't fall into the trap of thinking of that lists of adjectives are description. Think of every sentence as a dab of paint. I suggested working backwards to help isolate the ideas into workable units of paragraphs. (I was taught in business school to proof-read backwards as my brain tends to think better technically if I'm not caught up in the flow of "leaping ahead.")  As you write, use the description of surrounding to paint the tone. Never tell us that "you" are depressed. Write so that it leaves no doubt. Let the tone of sadness show in imagery. And? one more suggestion? For added interest, find a way to describe yourself at the end, much different from the intro. It will help illustrate that the experience profoundly changed "you".

Hope that helped. And geez...chuckling tho, you CAN e mail me yanno. I don't bite. Hard.



Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 05-22-2002
Posts 1680
Washington State


4 posted 12-02-2002 08:34 PM       View Profile for Kellie_Cantrell   Email Kellie_Cantrell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellie_Cantrell

Email---- What on earth is email? lol. Sorry. I was just so speedy I didn't even realize if I email... she will reply. Lol Thanks though I think that insight will help me tons.

Love ya,
Kelly
 
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