Small town, Illinois
So just recently someone asked me about my "coming out story." Odd thing is that I don't think I've ever really told anyone my story. Oops I guess. And since it being almost 4 in the morning here I thought it would be a lovely time to start to write.
Okay. Umm.. Where exactly do I want to start with this? I guess we could start at the beginning? Yeah that's a good spot.
So when I was in the second grade back in the suburbs of Chicago, I had a best friend. His name was Johnny. He lived down at the end of my block. He was into skate boarding and I was into playing with my action figures and Pokemon cards. (man that was a long time ago. Lol) But we both shared a love for video games. A love that led to countless sleep overs. Our mom's would always get irritated at the sound of each others door bell being rung just to find one of us asking if the other could come out and play.
I can remember during the summer of 5th grade I use to go swimming at Johnny's pool. One day, I think, was the first time I noticed the male anatomy. No, it was nothing sexual if your thinking that. It's just a "hey, I didn't notice that before" kind of feeling. It was something new and I never really thought much of it. Sadly while all this was happening I was being physically abused by my father. Johnny was my escape from all the pain and tears. 5th grade seemed to pass by slowly for I knew that once the year was over I had to move. My mom found a amazing guy at the time and we were going to move in with him. (against my father's wishes) I remember the week before we had to leave, I was always crying at night... I didn't want to leave Johnny..I didn't know why to be honest. The only excuse I could muster up was that he was my best friend. I had that strong brotherly feeling. Now that I think about it, I think I might of had a crush on him.. I guess I'll never know.
Once I moved down to the central Illinois area I had to begin a new life with a new side of the family. My mom married my, now to be, step dad. And at the time I was going through early stage of teen-hood. I was very confused at first. I didn't know why the hell I was attracted to guys then girls. I felt extremely embarrassed by it. I felt out of place among the other guys. I isolated myself from that gendered completely to a point where sports were a foreign concept. I was too shy to play them, awful at it, and had little interest in such tedious things. I retreated back into my virtual world of video games.
Eventually I made some friend with guys in my class. They were nice to me but I had a feeling that they knew I was weird. Like the odd one out. I couldn't help it. It just pushed me into further questioning of why I liked guys. It was strange to me so I seek knowledge. But it was the wrong kind of knowledge.. I won't go into to detail. (not appropriate here.) After learning more about my sexuality I couldn't deny my attraction to guys. And I held onto the normal part of me who liked girls. I went through jr.high as "straight."
It wasn't me. I felt miss placed in my own mind. The label just didn't fit me. But I was scared to death to be placed as the freak of this small farming town. So I kept my mouth shut until I couldn't anymore.
It was in the summer before freshmen year. At the time I was dating a girl. But it was for selfish reasons. She was a really nice girl don't get me wrong but I just wasn't attracted to her physically (not that I was going to do anything. But its just kind of essential in a relationship.) I had to break up with her. The day after the break up I planned to be honest with my parents why I did.
I can remember exactly what was going on that afternoon. I was pacing in my room thinking "Should I do it? What if I don't? What if they get mad? Would God hate me for doing this? What if they don't love me for being.. well gay?" My heart was pumping hard, I was in a cold sweat, my nerves were buzzing so hard it was shaking my body into a cold-less shiver. I then took the plunge. With a simple text the domino effect had begun.
"Please come up stairs. We need to talk." I sent that to my mom and step dad. They hurried up stairs. I remember the worried look on my mom's face. She had every right to be concerned.
I sat at the foot of their bed wringing my hands til they were pink marks. I couldn't get the courage to look at them in the eye. "What's wrong Zach? You wanted to talk to us?" I suddenly became very interested in the dirt under my nails. "Umm yeah.. i do.. umm.. I really don't know how to say this right.. but umm.. I.. umm.. Mom? I'm bisexual." That whole time I was choking back tears. Trying to be strong and not cry. But of course I did. I was balling. Trying to cushion the fall, preparing myself for either the silence of shame or yelling. It was one of the two. Good thing it ended up being neither. But I could have sworn that those were the longed 3 minutes I've ever bared. My mom just sighed and with a smile was like "Are you sure?" "Mom I wouldn't be telling you if I wasn't." My step-dad was silent through the whole thing. "Well okay then Zach." And still I am crying my blue eyes out. My mom just gives me a hug. I had to explain to her why I thought she'd hate me. (My mom is very very religious. So I thought I'd just be a sin in her eyes. But I was wrong. I guess they say that a mother's love has no boundary is true. And I love her for that. Well I guess that easy part is over. Now to get to my real father.
You remember the same guy from the beginning of my story? That beloved dad of mine. (meant in the most sarcastic way) Yeah I'll make it short since its almost dawn. I just changed my "interests" to guys on Facebook. Yeah he found in a way I didn't have to communicate with him. But every-now and then I get to talk to him and I can tell he uses those gay slurs or stereotypes
Ummm so yeahh. Sory for it being sooo long. But thank you for reading!