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Passions in Poetry

Here is your daily giggle

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Ringo
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since 02-20-2003
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Saluting with misty eyes


0 posted 03-24-2009 06:38 PM       View Profile for Ringo   Email Ringo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ringo

I got this in an e-mail, and figured I would pass it along to give everyone a break from the day to day dredgery of the demolished/recovering economy, the won/illegal/lost war, the tax evaders/patriots running the administration, and all of the other things we have to deal with.
I hope you enjoy it! Remember this the next time you are positive the kids understood what you told them.


Judas Asparagus

If you need a laugh today, then  this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston..  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sentten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum..  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

What would you attempt to do...if you knew you could not fail?
http://www.hubpages.com/profile/RingoShort

Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


1 posted 03-25-2009 12:56 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Ringo, thank you for the laugh.  I needed it.



A
Midnitesun
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Gaia


2 posted 03-25-2009 03:46 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

"Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him."

Thanks for the laugh!
Mysteria
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since 03-07-2001
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British Columbia, Canada


3 posted 03-25-2009 08:02 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Oh good grief - I laughed so hard!  Those lines that Kacy caught were hilarious!  Poor guy, I also thought they named one ugly veggie after him.   Thank you for a good laugh.
Suncleaver
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since 01-18-2009
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Stafford England


4 posted 03-31-2009 04:21 AM       View Profile for Suncleaver   Email Suncleaver   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Suncleaver

Ye Gods, I laughed so hard my cat ran away.
mini poet
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since 02-06-2000
Posts 58
Canada


5 posted 05-13-2009 05:26 PM       View Profile for mini poet   Email mini poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit mini poet's Home Page   View IP for mini poet

"During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him."

Hahahaha!!!!
 
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