Moved from a shack to a barn
I know that to many of you, this will be hard to comprehend. But after years of careful consideration, dedicated study and intense meditation using the gamut of pharmaceutical enhancements, I have come to the unerring conclusion that Yassar Arafat and Ringo Starr are one and the same person
First, mentally picture each of them. As you can plainly see, the Arab headgear and clothing are a poor disguise at best.
It seems that in 1967, when the Beatles made their famous pilgrimage to India to study with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Ravi Shankar (who is actually the New York Yankees manager Joe Torre, but that's a whole other can of worms), Ringo, addled perhaps by the half case of Cognac and the quarter pound of pretty good weed that he and a 15 year old Carnaby Street moppet had consumed the two days previous, mistakenly boarded a plane to Jordan. Once there, young Ringo fell in with members of the fledgling Palestine Liberation Organization thinking that they were Hindu holy men because of their modest dress and humble accommodations. The P.L.O. soon persuaded Mr. Starr to divest himself of his worldly possessions including some very fat royalties.
Not exactly the sharpest Scimitar in the tent, Ringo was soon indoctrinated with the tenets of his new “teachers” and quickly became a trusted member of the cadre.
He was then appointed the “De Facto” leader by the P.L.O. figuring him to be a sacrificial lamb. After all, how long could this guy stay alive? It would take the heat off of the organization once the Israeli secret service dispatched him to meet Allah. What the P.L.O. did not figure was that Ringo was blessed in the way that only idiots and fools are blessed.(Was he not, at the time, a musician of dubious talent in the most popular rock band on planet Earth?)
After several months of Ringo not catching a bullet in the brainpan, it became clear that he was becoming a media darling, a political superstar. Hangin’ with the heads of state, chillin’ with the chiefs & shakin’ with the sheiks was effectively diluting their position.
So they decided to use him in another fashion. The P.L.O. sent him back to resume his life as a Beatle, only occasionally directing his Arafat persona to this Goodwill Council or that Middle East Summit. His real value to them would be through music. Not anything as banal as undermining Western Morals through Rock & Roll, but with his drumsticks.
All of that really ****ty drum playing on the Beatles albums, from the “White” album on, is actually Morse code messages to terrorist operatives worldwide. Who would notice? since all of the really ****ty drum playing on the previous albums was simply really ****ty drumming.
His usefulness was short-lived however, as the Israelis arranged to have a commando captain named Chaim Hazeera grow his hair, shave his beard and infiltrate the Beatles as a hideously ugly Japanese artist in order to destroy the band from within.
Although this operation was ultimately successful, John Lennon, a band member, had actually bought into all of the “everyone is beautiful” crap espoused by the yogi and fell hopelessly in love with the Israeli agent. Hazeera, not wanting to blow his cover, successfully continued the sham for years until Lennon was desirous of a child. Since their usual method of “lovemaking” would never result in pregnancy even with a real woman (Hazeera had convinced Lennon that their infrequent physical encounters were Tantric exercises), the agent told the ex-Beatle that the arrival of baby Julian was the spontaneous product of their spiritually pure and perfect love.
Baby Julian was in fact a genetically engineered clone of Lennon derived from a D.N.A. sample that Hazeera had spit into a specimen jar some months earlier.
There is now some evidence that Mark David Chapman may have been Hazeera’s Homosexual lover and killed Lennon in a jealous fit.
Ringo was now quite useless to the P.L.O since any coded messages contained in his solo works were never heard over the airwaves and buying Ringo Starr albums was obviously not in anyone’s’ budget
After years of being a jet-setting rock star, Ringo was now at loose ends, no high profile parties, no deferential treatment. Catherine Bach was O.K. but certainly not social currency. So, from time to time, Ringo will don his Burnoose and reprise his Arafat character just to get a little of the bowing and scraping that he feels is his due.
No one has ever seen them together, nor have they ever been interviewed or in the news on the same day. Possibly the only person outside the P.L.O. that can validate this theory is ex-Attorney General, Janet Reno, as she claims to have gotten nasty with both of them.