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Passions in Poetry

The Serenity Garden (journal part II)

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iliana
Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488
USA


600 posted 08-23-2004 02:59 AM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

Serenity, Yep, it's your turn, sweetie....I mean, after all....    Up late tonight, huh?  Bet you have something to say.  I'm all ears and eyes (and that looks pretty weird, by the way).  

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


601 posted 08-23-2004 03:05 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

And I wish I had pictures.

Damn.

My brother actualy drove one of those VW's with the "drop-down" hammock. He had travel stickers from Mexico nearly blocking his view, and he looked very much like I always imagined John the Baptist.



I told him later, "SMOOOOOTH..."

"Y'thought you had the long arm of John Law crippled as you sped by?"

*  *  *

For a long time, it seemed he did. I understand now through experience that there is no such thing as a long run of "luck."

I can measure it as sure as a boy in a western--foot by foot ladeling, I now have a fair ability to know when how much rope is enough to hang yerself.

Sometimes for fun they even have you knot the noose.

Sometimes (I heard) they compared notes of neck and brushburns.


Other times?

They didn't bother.

"things happen to a man's head in prison..."

yeah.

sometimes?

It stays, attached to his neck, tormenting him for a longer sentence.

*  *  *

Sometimes it happens that way.
iliana
Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488
USA


602 posted 08-23-2004 03:17 AM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

"I now have a fair ability to know when how much rope is enough to hang yerself."

Serenity....you leave me pondering a lot of things.  Those letters from your brother, wow.  This must have freshened up a lot of grief.  Makes me wonder about my ex-husband some....he ran out of luck about four years after our divorce and wound up in prison in Florida.  When he was released, he went to a halfway-type house and there, his roommate's neck was slit.  That was the last conversation we had until my daughter's graduation from college (which, by the way, he did not contribute to nor did he ever pay any child support).  Sorry to get off track again.  It's just there are things I wonder about and actually your experience with your brother shared here has made me wonder....why.  I can feel how close the two of you must have been.  I think to lose a sibling must be so very hard, and your dad, too, all in the same year.  I can't believe the way you stay as centered as you do.  Tell me how you do it?

Came back to pass on a goodnight hug....I'm getting kinda sleepy.....night night.  
Janet Marie
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since 01-22-2000
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603 posted 08-23-2004 09:34 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

morning girlies....

Sharon...I am so glad you shared your letter here...and yes...as said before..you wear your Tiara well...with class and grace...with dignity and humility.
I know its never easy to open ourselves up in this way... As KA says..."walking nekid" in the forums...
but as you can see already by iliana's heartfelt response... we can all learn, heal, and grow from one another. Sometimes its just enough to know someone else understands where we have been...and where we have yet to go.

The walls of this room have been painted a lovely shade of honesty... heart on sleeve blue...each time we share, we hang a self portrait on these walls and make it feel more like home.




Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


604 posted 08-23-2004 10:54 AM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

I am still reading my beautiful friends.

Sometimes I run naked
Through the world
I dare you to judge me
For you know not what I have bled
Nor the clothes I have shed

For those of you that may turn your nose up
As I run bouncing by
See my smile
And ask yourself why

Maybe I learned
Through the hard times
And the tears
How to let go
And when to face my fears

Maybe I know the difference
Between want and need
Maybe I learned to walk away
And when to create a new creed

So laugh not at my nakedness
Nor question my vanity
For I am finally comfortable
With my own sanity

"cast me gently into the morning, for the night has been unkind"
~Sarah McLachlan~

iliana
Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488
USA


605 posted 08-23-2004 12:13 PM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

Susan, that is a wonderful poem.  
Mysteria
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since 03-07-2001
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British Columbia, Canada


606 posted 08-23-2004 01:19 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

I got a great idea, we can call your next section of your diary ~
Serenity And Friends Visit Ron's Rubber Room Laugh, it was funny!  But on a serious note, who would have thought people from all walks of life, everywhere would open up and find out they had so much in common?

Serenity:   I just wish I was there.   Karen, you are the pictures by the way, you don't ever need them, see?

Sunshine:  Lady, you wear a mean tiara yourself.  Your mother-in-love is one lucky woman to have you around, and I think you also have been blessed with having her.  She looks incredible for her age by the way, LOL, what cream does she use?  Do they sell it on ebay?  Too many questions, right I know. Teaching is the best job in the world if you can do it, and do it well.  Congratulations to her, looks like she did.
  
Iliana: "I felt I owed him...'cuz he had "saved" me from the horrible existence in Ohio."

Bingo!  That is why I returned to my job the second time, I felt I owed it to my friend and boss.  Do you think the staff was glad to see me either?  Guess again, and it was a very lonely existance being chained there, with no escape, so I truly do understand.  

As soon as we realize with love there are no expectations, debts or obligations, then we are a step further to finding it.  

Nowadays, just existing has become the goal of my day.  To see and do all I can that makes me, and others around me feel good  is a full time job for me now.

By the way, I still am not opening my cake box too far but I figure I did okay putting a bit out there as of today's readings.  So part of my history in summary (or the commercial version as shrinks like to call this,) I was married to three abusive husbands, one I swear they wrote a movie about to this very day.  I had more abuse growing up than those doctors, or you would surly care to listen too, but always in it, there I saw that flicker of hope that eventually I would get free, so ...

Susan:  "For those of you that may turn your nose up
As I run bouncing by
See my smile
And ask yourself why

For I am finally comfortable
With my own sanity"


You have no idea how you nailed freedom down in those few lines.  The process to it for some is a long, and teadous road, but eventually it is sure worth the struggle to get there.

When it comes, it actually scares you.  If you have never had it, it is overwhelming at first.  It can't be real, you don't deserve it, and all that comes with it.  When you finally realize that you can indeed do whatever you want, whenever you want, in any way you want, it truly calls for a dance in the street!  I do this often, in lanes, and a lot of the time in the rain, (ask Nan about my dance in downtown Cape Cod one day.) I think I shocked her a tiny bit, and certainly the locals for sure.       Am I a bit eccentric, you bet - I earned it.

Karen and I spoke yesterday about being locked up metaphorically, and also physically, and once you get free from those binds, nature takes hold of you and you simply rejoice, yes, just rejoice.

By the way, brother do I have lawyer stories!  What some of us have in common already is that we seem to have gravitated to working for lawyers, hmmm, wonder what that means?  I worked for several lawyers as well in my working career.  As a matter of fact, I probably changed jobs at least once, and often twice a year when I was younger.  It was not until I got married to controllers that I was forced to stay put in jobs that kept me at one for longer periods of time.  Now there's just one more thing to armchair analyze someday I suppose, or like the rest of the "junk", I might just let it go. Yeah, just let it go.

Today, it is raining, and I am going to go out and dance my joy. Try it sometime, and quit worrying about what people will think.  They will eventually get it, and do it too.

Have a good one everyone.  Remember, butterflies are meant to be free, right Jan?

Karen, if you don't get that book going I am literally coming down there and thumping you!  You know I will              
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


607 posted 08-23-2004 03:41 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Here, let me try that:

Kari? We are so much alike and so very different. It's amazing. With all the abuse I've taken over the years, all that man has to do is cry, and I can't walk away. *shaking my head* I sure wish he'd find someone to replace me. Anybody know a woman who likes to collect autographs, memorabilia and dust?

Jo-jo? grinning, thank you for your comment about being "centered". It was the best laugh I had all day. I sure don't see what you folks see, but I certainly thank you for the compliment. (and btw, are you a school teacher? For some reason I am thinking that you might be.)

Jan-baby? I sure envy you. I wish I were moving right now. And yep, wasn't I supposed to be moving? Don't I hear from the warden every day of my life, "We have to move"?

The kitchen is done and tile is done too. My room isn't done, tho, and neither is the kids' rooms. The wide screen tv is hooked up tho, along with the DVD player and the surround sound.<--major clue as to why nothing's finished.

School started today and I had to hear a diatribe about how inconvenient it is for the hubby to wake up and drive my son to school, too. He told me he's not going to either.

Anybody want to buy tickets for the show tonight? It's gonna be a good one and I suggest you all bet on me. I'm going to end the summer party that began over there when I had surgery. sigh. The dopeheads will be scattering like roaches.

Mysteria? Oh I wish you were here. Something tells me you'd be enjoying this day immensely! *wink*

oh yes, Serenity MAH ASS!

ta ta for now good poets, I'll check in later, I'm off to pick a fight.

I can take a lot of crap in this marriage, but NOBODY messes with my kids. Not even their father.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....



Decaflame
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since 05-11-2001
Posts 1682


608 posted 08-23-2004 03:49 PM       View Profile for Decaflame   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Decaflame

'Atta Girl!
iliana
Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488
USA


609 posted 08-23-2004 04:42 PM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

Karen -- answer:  no, I'm not a teacher....I studied music and thought I would go into ed at one point but got fed up with public schools....ask my little sis, she's had it rough!  And my big sis is a retired principal.... so it does run in the family, but nope, the only thing I ever taught was private flute and piano lessons for a short time, oh, and I did get hired in Indonesia to teach English to Indonesian business men because I could speak the language ... but that was short lived!  lol ... a story in and of itself!  No, my career (after trying working for a university in admin, big steel company, bunch of other types of secretarial and admin type jobs) ended up in the field of law... it was the most challenging of all things and offered the best money....and I have an unnatural knack at it.  But since I was a pee-on rather than an attorney, I took alot of abuse, as most legal assistants do...except for my last job.  I left that to work for a national legal publication for five years and then had an opportunity to buy my own company, doing the same thing I did for the national publication basically.  So I'm my own boss...how about that!  There are only four publications like mine in the state of Texas...check it out... http://www.ettrialreports.com  Anyway, that's what I do.  

Now, as to you being centered.  Well, you do seem that way, but I'm glad I made you laugh!  I feel the same way where my kids are concerned.  The only major fights my husband and I have had have involved them...and yes, I can put up with a lot, but not that.  When it comes to them, we are mama bears protecting our cubs, huh?!  Catch you later.   .....jo
nakdthoughts
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since 10-29-2000
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Between the Lines


610 posted 08-23-2004 09:23 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I am overwhelmed by all I have just read...


M
Mysteria
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since 03-07-2001
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611 posted 08-23-2004 10:22 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Serenity, doesn't it just go figure all the media equipment is all set up first thing?  Grrrr

Oh, did I mention I don't take ANY crap anymore ladies, none, nada, squat!

Okay, I have my so don't worry I am around later.  You just show him my flag is waving to prove that the "Big D", as he so endearing calls me, is indeed watching, and that will scare the bejillies even out of that warden.

Maureen, I am also overwhelmed - takes a while to digest that even if the story is yours it is hard to read in front of you, sort of a reality shock.
iliana
Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488
USA


612 posted 08-23-2004 10:40 PM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

Hi, Sharon. Hi, M-lady.  I'm in and out of here tonight tonight....waiting for the show and sending moral support to Karen, too. I think he is outnumbered now!

Sharon, I just got your email.  Not a problem....done deal.  
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


613 posted 08-24-2004 03:22 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Hi!

Well, I now have a wall of bookcases--wasn't that quick? LMAO...the second wallcasing is promised for tonight, and I'll be off to sand and stain in a bit.

*chuckle*

I wasn't moving without my books.

And it's amazing how quiet it is when I'm over there.

His cellphone rang alot, but nobody actually popped in.

Think I make his buddies nervous?



Thanks ladies! (and watch me make a muscle)

gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mysteria
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614 posted 08-24-2004 04:24 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

She learned that from me - see?    Okay so today it is a bookcase, but tomorrow?       Well heck of course you scared them, I bet they never saw a women flex a bigger muscle than they have before? Keeping pumping sista.  I found if that fails, smile, walk over, and sit on them  
iliana
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Posts 13488
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615 posted 08-24-2004 11:54 PM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

Karen,   you just keep your muscles flexed, lady.  Waiting for the varnish to dry......

Sharon....you are too funny, lady!   ....jo
Mysteria
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616 posted 08-25-2004 02:04 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Yes sometimes I am too funny for my own good  

Well, I was heading to watch all the decorating shows in my featherbed but came in here to see if Karen was sitting on a park bench in the garden and needed a friend   Just popping in to say goodnight and that I care.
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
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617 posted 08-25-2004 05:04 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I'm okay! Bookcase number two was built and attorney's numbers written down.

I have only thought my life was ridiculous before...

and ya'll don't mind me, I just have to rest between rounds.
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
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Listening to every heart


618 posted 08-25-2004 06:37 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

LOL...someone call an attorney's office?  
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


619 posted 08-25-2004 08:31 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

There's so much I long to say and I feel like I can't. And yes, I'm okay, just tired.

Too tired these days to pretend this is fun.

When I was a kid, my Dad taught me what he thought was the proper way to be. He had given me a candy bar, and my friend showed up just as I was unwrapping the treat. I politely offered to split it with her. As things happened, the candy didn't split evenly, and I gave her the smaller half, sensing some disappointment from Dad.

I asked him why and he told me that when sharing, the smaller half always tasted better in his opinion.

I was a sensitive sort of kid, and I took that lesson to heart. I'm afraid it hasn't served me very well. I always believed that somewhere down the road there would be parity.

I am somewhere down the road and there isn't a hint of justice in sight.

I could never lie very well--people with bad memories shouldn't even try, I think. But I'm finding myself on an unlevel playing field, and I'm very much at a disadvantage here in this little piece of mud I call home.

Divorce? Attorneys? You know what I see when I think of that? Neither of us wins anything, and what, the lawyers get a chunk of change to buy wifie a vacation to a spa while they treat their girlfriend to a new bauble. (I hate attorneys.) sigh.

So I figured, "just move, Karen. Draw a line across the house and co-exist until you're done raising your kids."

I told myself, "Get your health back, get some job training, and then it when it's done, you can walk."

I never wanted the man's money. It's not even HIS in my estimation, but his father's.
And honestly, the lust that family showed for money always disgusted me. (His father shocked me once by boasting that he ironed his money--with starch.) That was a big red flag, right there, huh? There are dozens of examples I could give, but I won't bother.

But again, I was taught to be generous when estimating the faults of others. I ignored a lot of stuff. It was easy enough to do, because frankly, my husband was seldom home.

And while he was away, either working, or partying, I had the world of my kids.

I drew lines in the sands around them, circles of protection, and no one, NO ONE ever messed with my kids. And with all the insecurities that I have, that have been amplified and cemented into my psyche over the years, I know this one thing for a fact:

I am a damned good mom.

But I made a vow that preceded even my marriage to their father. As a kid who grew up with no one at home, I was going to make it different for MY children. I succeeded in different, but I am not sure if it's better.

But they are my pride and my joy. They have intelligence, wit, talent, & spirit. And they would be the first to tell you that I did a good job. Smile. They also have a fine sense of self-esteem, and in my son's case?
Well, he's fourteen, smart, and worshipped by his peers. I'm letting him enjoy that. Life will humble him soon enough.

But they are indeed my joy, and if you'll bear with me, I'll share a story that made my heart swell.

Friday night, my son had a friend sleep over. When they do this, I just pretty much keep myself occupied, but always some time during the visit, they'll come to sit with me "just to talk."

Once my son fell asleep during one of their marathon gaming sessions, so his buddy came out to talk to me, dropping onto the chair across from me, beaming,

"Let's have an intelligent conversation!"

"It's two-thirty in the morning son, and you want intelligence?"

"Yeah," he answered. "I can't get that at home." *wince*

So anyhoo, this time they both came to sit with me. I wasn't much in the mood, so I sighed and put down my book, taking off my glasses.

"What?" I asked.

My son seemed embarrassed.

"We want you to teach us how to talk like you."

(Was he serious?)

He was.

His friend added,

"It's like you do some sort of mental Tae Kwon Do! (forgive my spelling on that)You can slaughter an opponent with one sentence!"

I was amused and confused.

"Let me get this straight--you two want me to teach you how to be a bitch?"

*laughing*

"Well, we'll call it something else, but YES."

And here's the words that gave me my thrill:

"We respect you Mom."

It doesn't get any better that, and I sure don't want to lose it either. But I did realize that all of the put-downs I've endured have not made them true. I don't understand what my husband gets out of my unhappiness, but I guess understanding him is not part of the deal. I don't have answers either.

It's quite a quandary you know. This didn't happen all at once. It was a slow disintegration of concessions I allowed. If he didn't like something, I would shrug and say, "well, I can do something else." A gradual shaving off of my own identity, if you will.

But now the boiling point. My kids are passing him in maturity. They are no longer amused by popcorn and "Motel Hell."

They want intelligent conversation.  

My husband thinks I brainwashed them against him.

The only thing that has happened is that my children are growing up, and I can no longer protect them from the shallow reality of him.

Roseanne Barr/Arnold/whatever once wrote:

"There comes a day in a woman's life when she wakes up and asks, 'what about me?' That is an angry day."

So yes, my days are full of anger, illustrated vivid by that damned hot August sun, increasing my claustophobia, and I am so damned tired. And I'm expected to fight the battle of my life, every single day.

My family,  my friends, are disgusted with me for staying. But I realized something about myself this year.

I have some serious issues regarding abandonement, and when that happens, abandoning ANYONE becomes the greatest sin.

It has warped me into a more than questionable loyalty.

And all of these feelings I'm muddling through, there is the fact that he is sick. I have this fear that I will say the uglies on my mind and he will die. And leaving him?

I shake my head.

Just the idea makes me feel like I'd be abandoning a retarded child. As screwed up as I am, in many many ways he's helpless.

But I want to thank everybody for being tolerant of my cycles of despair, as well my rather dishonest tap dances of joy.

Over the years, he managed to limit my world so severely that all the friends I had left were HIS. But one day I plugged in a computer and happened on this site, and the embrace I felt from all of you woke me up to new ideas and newfound hope that I might be something more than the bad news kid he had let me to believe.

He controls a lot of things in my life, but not my thoughts. And he hasn't succeeded in chasing the lot of YOU away.

I can never say thank you enough to all of you, especially to Ron C for giving me a safe place to be.

And now? Today we are either going to buy new beds for the kids, or I'm going to talk to my attorney.

He likes to make all the decisions, I'll leave that one up to him.

Much love to all.

I talk too much.

Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
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Listening to every heart


620 posted 08-25-2004 09:15 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

You don't talk too much.

You just happen to mention many others' lives that you decide to explore, mirroring their own.

I was about to copy a paragraph or two...

I found out that you were writing some very indepth parts of me.

Look around you.

It's YOUR garden.

And look at how your garden grows.

My father once said, "don't wish your life away."  But he didn't say nothing about making good PLANS.

And those PLANS usually stem from "intelligent conversations".

You ARE a marvel.

I'm glad I'm in YOUR circle.  
Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


621 posted 08-25-2004 09:38 AM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Toerag

Serenity....you just seem to be the type person that could really make life tough for this slob if ya wanted....Now then, if ya do buy new beds, and, he in fact has to pay for them....I'd insist on those $1800.00 temper-pedics......for health reasons and proper posture and to stick it to him as much as possible....Oh, by the way....I know some "magicians" that can make him disappear?.....Any insurance involved?...LOL
serenity blaze
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622 posted 08-25-2004 09:48 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Toe, I just wish I were in Texas.

Isn't there a law there with a clause?

"The Sum'bitch needed killin'."

grin.

That's what I heard anyway.

But trust me, he's working on doing that himself. Even his mother told me "be patient..."

And that's his MOTHER!

geeeeeeeeeeeez

I go do my homeschool thing now.

I'll be around...and round...and round...



love ya both!
Toerag
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since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


623 posted 08-25-2004 10:14 AM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Toerag

Der be a boy down outside a Morgan City day call Poo Poo Boudreaux dat no sumpin 'bout gator feedin'?...He say he even go git dem kids dat a spouse took off wit...he go get dem back foe a few hundrit dolla if you have legalsystem custoedie...a thousand if ya don't...I ain't talk to da boy in three or two year but he still der I do know..
Cpat Hair
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624 posted 08-25-2004 12:45 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

(chuckling).. Gators..well.. someone has to feed them something..

Ser... just dropped in to let ya know..

 
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