British Columbia, Canada
Maureen, know I am truly thinking of your struggle right now, and sending love your way, but it is a little hard for me to go to a place in my mind that makes me actually lose my breath right now. Cling on to those that will give you strength for this is truly a difficult time.
Hey Raph, I know what you mean about the words Karen said of her Dad, they hurt don't they? I still love to read her words, along with Karilea's, and Martie's when they share fond memories of their fathers. I love visiting Elizabeth Santos and feeling almost like one of her family, as THAT is a real family, and something I never had.
I have to say though, sometimes this isn't the way it goes, and some Fathers are only the person whose genes you inherited. I feel it is quite okay to not think of them with love, but whatever negative feeling you feel. You somehow forgive them their faults(for yourself,) but you absolutely never forget the neglect or abuse suffered. I have absolutely nothing but dark thoughts of my Father all the time, and I have learned to deal with when they surface and found a "comfortable place" for them to reside. He's dead now, but he lives on. I have always mourned that which I never had, and probably always will. Each time I hear a song about making peace with a Father before he dies, or bonding with one in some fashion, I cry - and not because of what I had, but in anger of what I was denied. Well now, yada, yada, yada and I too said way more than intended, and it too just sort of spilled out.