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serenity's interactive journal

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Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


950 posted 06-23-2004 10:55 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

Thanks K, it wasn't so much thinking of my dad that made me tear up just the way you honoured yours with words. Chalk it up to a 'descencion' after an incredible 'ascencion' i had recently..ahem..yeh..um. Do i have to wear a tiara? How about a nice baseball cap?

Lmao nice pic PDV, surrounded by the ladies, i have dreams like that but then i wake up to the nightmare called a 'mirror'.
Enchantress
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since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


951 posted 06-23-2004 11:06 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

LOL...Raph you look so handsome in your tiara...
Do you really have a harem??

Maureen....We're listening..and staying close.
Mysteria
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since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


952 posted 06-24-2004 02:19 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Maureen, know I am truly thinking of your struggle right now, and sending love your way, but it is a little hard for me to go to a place in my mind that makes me actually lose my breath right now.  Cling on to those that will give you strength for this is truly a difficult time.

Hey Raph, I know what you mean about the words Karen said of her Dad, they hurt don't they?  I still love to read her words, along with Karilea's, and Martie's when they share fond memories of their fathers.  I love visiting Elizabeth Santos and feeling almost like one of her family, as THAT is a real family, and something I never had.

I have to say though, sometimes this isn't the way it goes, and some Fathers are only the person whose genes you inherited.  I feel it is quite okay to not think of them with love, but whatever negative feeling you feel.  You somehow forgive them their faults(for yourself,) but you absolutely never forget the neglect or abuse suffered.  I have absolutely nothing but dark thoughts of my Father all the time, and I have learned to deal with when they surface and found a "comfortable place" for them to reside.  He's dead now, but he lives on.  I have always mourned that which I never had, and probably always will.  Each time I hear a song about making peace with a Father before he dies, or bonding with one in some fashion, I cry - and not because of what I had, but in anger of what I was denied.  Well now, yada, yada, yada and I too said way more than intended, and it too just sort of spilled out.  

Larry C
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Member Patricius
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953 posted 06-24-2004 10:57 AM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

Ethel you are in my prayers and so are the rest of you. What a wonderful place you have assembled here. And Duncan I am praying for you especially!

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


954 posted 06-24-2004 12:49 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

Sharon?  I ditto what you said.

I still envy those that had that Daddy/Daughter relationship I didn't get...

I used to wonder what it was about me that made me so unworthy...then discovered it was he that was unworthy.

Mysteria
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since 03-07-2001
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British Columbia, Canada


955 posted 06-24-2004 01:44 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria



Viola!  One slightly tilted tiara.  
Mine are not as good as Sharon's - so let's elect her in charge of tiaras shall we?  
I vote Poet deVine becomes our official tiara maker.  
Now all this town of Serenity's needs is an official, elected council of Princesses    
Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


956 posted 06-24-2004 01:56 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

Karen always had a way of making me spill my guts so it's not surprise her journal would have the same effect and on others

Sharon, I've never understood the making peace before he dies bit. It makes me sick to think that that's what it would take for my father to finally say, 'you know, I did you boys wrong.'

As a child my father was a monster and tyrant. The effects of that era are deeply engrained on my brothers especially. I was young when my parents divorced and I saw the shift in my dad. When he'd lost everything he changed his ways and I eagerly accepted him, until I realized he'd only changed his means.

The tyrant resurfaced and while the physical abuse did not a new psychological and verbal abuse did.

I know for a fact that his father was a monster, and knowing that I have empathy for my dad, at the same time knowing what it feels like, how do you turn and inflict the same torture on your kids?

And how many chances do you give a person who does you harm? And why are blood ties a factor? If a stranger/friend/spouse does you wrong enough times you detach, but for some reason there's a need to forgive and reconcile with family. My need for some semblance of sanity outweighs a silly psychological need for 'roots'. An @hole is an @hole bloodline or not.

And i've talked to long again..urgh I have my own journal and have barely written a thing then i come in here and bang..urgh

'..the room fell silent, and somewhere off in the distance, a cat barked' ~ RG

serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


957 posted 06-24-2004 02:22 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

"And how many chances do you give a person who does you harm"

This very question is the reason I keep that card with the shrink's name in my wallet.

sigh?

nod.

sigh
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


958 posted 06-24-2004 03:05 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

"How many chances do you give a person that causes you harm?"

I think that has a personal answer for everyone.

I left home when I was 17.  I really didn't go back. So the answer was until I was old enough to make a hasty departure.  

In my marriage, the answer was given to me when I saw the effects on my children.  No more chances.

Sometimes we just hold out for hope of change.  I figure if I came out of both situations and could still hope (in general) then I was going to be okay.
garysgirl
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Member Seraphic
since 09-29-2002
Posts 20064
Florida, USA


959 posted 06-24-2004 03:59 PM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Ralph said.........

Why am i writing this here? Not sure really, just rolled out. shrugs

Yep, this journal of the SereneOne seems to have that effect on us all, doesn't it? I know that I've said more on these pages than I've ever intended. Sometimes I just read and don't say anything because I'm just not ready to let everything out yet. I wish that I could. I don't think these stupid and terrible feelings of darkness and depression would keep coming back on me if I would.

But, I always look around and see so many who have been through so much more hurt and are still going through it.

I love all you princesses and princes, too. Thank you Larry for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, and everyone else who has.

Maureen, I wish that I knew exactly the right words to say to you in this time of need. Just know that my hand is there if you need to hold it....even if it is trembly most of the time lately.

And everybody else, my hand is there for ya'll, too....and my heart is here with all of you all the time, as well as my thoughts......
garysgirl
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Member Seraphic
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Florida, USA


960 posted 06-24-2004 04:09 PM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

The SereneOne, Karen

Karen, you are an awesome lady
And I'm proud to call you friend
Even in your trials of life
Your helping hand you lend

You are overcoming obstacles
That have come your way
No matter what you're going through
A kind word to others you say

We all are here when you need us
As you are always there
We know that's what friends are for
Our load to help each other bear

Today is your birthday
We're here to celebrate with you
So pass me a piece of your cake
And a big bowl of that ice cream too



Karen, I told you that I wrote you a poem for your birthday. I just haven't posted it because of the last verse and because I just couldn't on your birthday...but, we can always have ice cream and cake, can't we? LOL I hope that you had a very special day, sweet lady.
With love and heart hugs,
Ethel

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


961 posted 06-24-2004 04:21 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Smile.

Ethel? That is just so sweet of you.



I have yet another story that I already told Mysteria. *chuckle* We type alot.

But one year, I received a birthday card from a friend. In March. March? I asked, but my birthday is in June.

"Just open it."

Inside was permission to start celebrating my birthday NOW.

So I did.

I celebrated every single day until June 14.

I carried that card into every bar in New Orleans and it never failed to get me a free drink. It was well worn when I was finally done with it, and I wish I still had it...I'd have it framed.

But I think I'll add your poem to my feel good book.

I started keeping a scrapbook of the nice things you all say to me, and when I'm down I like to read it, just to lift my spirits a bit.

Thank you all. You are the kindest, loveliest people...sigh.

I'm gonna cry and the kids are watching too.

They think I'm nuts when I do this.

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


962 posted 06-24-2004 04:35 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

Hugs K

Susan, never really lived with my dad, just saw him once a week (yet he still managed to do damage) and finally told him where to go at 16. An incredible moment that just shattered his hold, yet I naively allowed him in again from time to time hoping a realization had sunk in but found it always ended the same way. I now see him only a handful of times a year and even at their best I can't help but cringe inside. shrugs


Ethel who's Ralph?
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


963 posted 06-24-2004 05:06 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Hey Raph...

Did I notice that you moved from Coconuts? in England? to some "cuckoo's nest"

Well done

Regards
Sudhir

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


964 posted 06-24-2004 05:56 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

I get around Sudhir
GG
Member Elite
since 12-03-2002
Posts 3615
Lost in thought


965 posted 06-25-2004 12:11 AM       View Profile for GG   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GG

Larry,
I don't know a soul who could turn down that offer!
Thank you so much...

Take care... be well.

Always, Alyssa
muted
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since 01-15-2004
Posts 3021
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving


966 posted 06-25-2004 12:29 AM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted

"And how many chances do you give a person who does you harm"

ive been reading....and...lets just say my dad was well..probably alot like your dads.

i had a few months ago written here at PIP that my dad was dying....and..well.. he did die but they managed to "bring him back"..nonetheless..he is functioning, walking around and such, but lost his memory.
i dont mean amnesia, im talking brain damage.
He will never remember...and must be re-taught ALOT of things.

my dad did the same exact job for 30 years solid..and cant remember any of it, which means he doesnt remember what he did to me and my brothers, and my mother.

all my life i harboured feelings, repressed as much as possible and pretend its all going to just go away. i couldnt let it go i kept torturing myself with it.

But, he died, and he came back as an "erased" man. the dad that was there for all my life....got washed away. Wasnt my choice, was the universe that chose this.
Kamma punished him and freed him all at once.

If the man who did the bad thing is forgiven by the universe itself, then why should i harbour and hold this pain anymore. Kamma gave me the go-ahead, told me its ok, everything has been erased.

not so simple for those who dont share my faith and spirituality. But because im "me"... I know i dont have to hurt anymore.. Kamma told me so.

...and in my smallest voice i do say to you Raph and Karen and any others who hurt from past events.....(again)

"I know YOU dont have to hurt anymore, Kamma told me so"
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


967 posted 06-25-2004 01:06 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I have more to say about this, but right now I'm tard again, but I was thinking something that forgiveness is born of understanding and is not a decision that can be forced on the self...

not for me anyway.

Maureen, m'queen?

*heart hugs*

I'm with you daily in thought, knowing, in my own way by remembering, those bittersweet moments so poignant that my skin aches just thinking of them.

so more prayers said for you and yours and that you find peace in these precious moments.

Love you lady.



goodnight good poet people.

Tomorrow? I get to go dig through salvage yards.

gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


968 posted 06-25-2004 02:36 AM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

Well Dawn if there's any justice my dad will remember and deal with the past for once, and I'll lose my memories..except hopefully not the memory of Angelina Jolie in Gia..daaaamn........................what were we talking about again?
muted
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Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving


969 posted 06-25-2004 03:58 AM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted

I dont think ANYONE could forget angelina jolie  


strange things about people who do really bad things repeatedly over many years....they dont seem to realize truely what they are doing is bad. Sometimes its better they get erased, and become a new person...than waiting for them to realize their wrongs and deal with it/make amends (cause often the NEVER come to that realization).....im not saying a world of hurt disappears either way...but i spent many years in therapy and so on and so forth, so im not claiming any magic happened....guess i just have reached that point in myself where i can acknowledge my own freedom (i hope)

but we do all deal with things differently, and i learn from everyone. and really wish i could give out alot of hugs....sometimes wish i could be everyone's mommy so i can kiss away the tears...

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


970 posted 06-25-2004 08:50 AM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

"they dont seem to realize truely what they are doing is bad."

Dawn this is going to seem harsh, but I promise, it isn't.  I am stating what I feel (which I don't always do..just because).

When a 6-7 yr old little girl is crying and begging Daddy to stop, it is my firm belief that he knows exactly what he is doing and does not care enough to stop.  

muted
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971 posted 06-25-2004 08:59 AM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted

yes yes! you are right susan, they do know and chose not to stop i agree

i think i worded wrong, maybe more like they know what they do is wrong but somehow they justify it in their own minds..so that they dont have to feel guilty...Im having trouble conveying what i mean (mind not so clear lately)

and i dont think you are being harsh at all.. you are saying what needs to be said..and i applaude that...i applaude all of you who say what is on your mind and in your heart
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


972 posted 06-25-2004 12:09 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Did anybody see the interview with former President Bill Clinton on Oprah?

He talked about a fine line of "excuses" vs. "reasons." (But then, we knew he would. )

Hopefully I'll have time later to come back and elaborate on how that thought tied to this one--if my brain cells are still clicking at midnight tonight. sigh.

Hugs all.

I need to salvage some brain cells along with building materials...

But I'm off in search of treasures.

I'll be looking for ornamental medallions, cornices, and pieces of tin.

Sound like fun?

grin.

It is to me.

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


973 posted 06-25-2004 01:15 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

Thank you Dawn!


You guys know all this remodeling/repairs talk goes whooshing right over my head, right?  The mere thought makes me shudder...I don't even weed whack.  

"cast me gently into the morning, for the night has been unkind"
~Sarah McLachlan~

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


974 posted 06-25-2004 01:32 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal


Hugs Susan

and weed wacking just sounds so wrong..

 
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