It's a wreck too.
But I thought I'd take a minute to pop in.
I just told a friend of mine that my last entree was based on some soul-searching after I realized this past Wednesday that there were no drugs in my home.
For some reason that brought on a fit of laughter from me, too.
It's been over a decade that I could say that, (and yes, Ronnie Baby, smile, when I say no drugs, I mean not even a little pot.)
I've been slaying dragons since I joined Pip, and you have all very gracefully applauded my acheivements and were patient, loving, and non-judgemental during my obvious "slips". And no, I'm not saying those "slips" are over either--I'm not sitting here in a halo--I've always found halo's rather binding.
But I know from experience that the real work starts when you feel the pain. So thanks for letting me just sort my innards out publicly.
And for the record, I don't recommend do-it-yourself detox to anyone. If any here read this and have problems similar to what I've described, please consult a professional.
Make that a team of professionals.
Chemical detox takes a toll on the body and it can, does and will make you very ill.
And I say a team, because you'll need some guidance to the inner work just for the "maintenance" of your own head.
and now, I'll answer a few questions I've been asked, so bear with me?
Many asked why I didn't go to that psychologist (the guy who is just a card in my wallet at the present time) and I wondered this too.
I just told my sister (twist) that I didn't call for an appointment because I thought the doc was doing me more good as a card in my wallet. As long as that remained an option, it was a spark of hope. But having had some unfortunate experiences with docs and medicines, I got a little leery. Had I gone to see this guy and he turned out to be less than I'd hoped for, then I would have had another disappointment to cope with at a time...well, let's just say, the card in the wallet gave me an edge.
Another thing I was concerned about was being medicated again--and I am at a point now where I understand there is no magick wand for this monkey.
If you present yourself to anyone with the idea of saying, "Here I am, I'm a mess--fix me" then it's not going to work.
It wouldn't for me, anyway.
The way I've dealt with this was strictly a personal preference and not the best way of handling it. So get help if you can.
I am simply so self-indulgent that I preferred to do the physical cleansing on the gentle cycle.
There were a lot of demons to slay and trust me, I know they are still camped on my front porch begging entry.
And then, there was one more question. Many of you know my children are members of this forum and have asked me how I feel about the possibility of them reading this.
Um...quite often they are reading over my shoulder.
We talk about everything, including this/these stories you have read here. They are very smart kids, and I refuse to insult their intelligence by pretending that the elephant in the living room doesn't exist.
So we talk about it alot, and yes, much of it is heartbreaking. But if it's possible to raise Republican Bohemians, I think that's what I've going on here with these kids.
An example of one of our conversations:
My son: Mom, was Daddy born dumb, or was it the drugs?
Me: I honestly don't know Son. I never knew your father when we weren't on drugs.
And then this, just happened just last week. My husband quit drinking and wonder of wonders, his brain IS waking up, and my son took note.
"He's NOT that dumb, mom!"
I nodded and told him that I'd noticed the difference in him too.
Then my son got thoughtful, and thought aloud:
"Man, does it do all of that?"
Then he paused and looked at me--
"Man, mom, if you could quit--can you imagine?"
(The boy thinks I'm a genius, I confess & blush.)
I told him I'd rather not imagine.
* * *
I'm tired of dreaming--I really wanna find out.
* * *
Now I thank you all again for tolerating my public wringing of hands.
There'll be more, prolly.
But I'll try to start sharing the joys as well as the sorrows, k?
Love to all.