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Passions in Poetry

serenity's interactive journal

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Janet Marie
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since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


650 posted 05-18-2004 02:01 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Nancy...didnt mean to make ya cry.

heart-hugs to all the girlies for all that you share and that we can learn from one another.
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


651 posted 05-18-2004 02:46 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I'll be back in a bit--it's storming here, again, and I'm beginning to believe them that say it's "housewife" tears.

Sure has been a lot of 'em this month.

I love you ladies.



and wow.

grin.

I'm not as crazy as I thought I was...and now I don't feel as lonely either.

Thank you

I'll be back between the raindrops.
garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 09-29-2002
Posts 20064
Florida, USA


652 posted 05-18-2004 02:52 PM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

And I wish, I really wish I could forget that he did that. And I can't.

And the fact that I can't makes me feel ugly inside--and I wish I knew some way to remove that from me.

I never liked me much anyway, but this part of me is just intolerable to look at. It's so much like the parts of him I always condemned.


Karen, I totally relate to this, too....but the one who made me feel this way is dead.

It's lightening here right now, so I have to unplug the computer. So, I can't talk any more about it right now......I might have if not......

I love you people!!

serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


653 posted 05-18-2004 07:04 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

"but the one who made me feel this way is dead"

Ethel?

Both of my sisters were in dysfunctional marriages, and both of their ex-husbands died, fairly nasty deaths too. They'd never resolved their issues, and my oldest sister confessed that her anger was still there, roiling, coloring everything she does to this day, only now it is compounded with guilt.

It's certainly been raining enough death here for me to contemplate the possibility of his death, my death, as well as the death of every mortal I know. So naturally, between both of our illnesses, we are thinking about children and trying to wrap up loose ends--just in case.

I'm a writer, and I like nice tidy endings.

HE, on the other hand, would rather I sit and watch wrestling with him.

sigh.

(I think I found the limits of long-suffering)

and now? I think I have a pork roast to go deliver. I'll betcha I'll have to sing too...



But that's okay. One more for Mr. Gibbs.

Sunshine
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since 06-25-99
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Listening to every heart


654 posted 05-20-2004 10:20 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

One more for Mr. Gibbs.  I like that, Karen.  Simply because I know there will be a day when you are out in your garden and you'll feel his shadow, and smile.

~*~

I am going to share this here, not only because you ladies and gentlemen are my family, but because I care for you gals and you guy's wives...whether I know them or not.

Breast exams.

We feel good; fine; no time; kids need things; don't have insurance, whatever.  We find excuses not to go.

But today's techniques [while still a bit painful] can find the most minute matters.

And those matters are our key to a long life, if caught early.

This was the first time I went for any exam, that I got the "abnormal" letter.  Of course, they send form letters [my first despise] and it is highly obtuse in a clinical sense.  They don't tell you if this abnormality is one or the other or both; they do not tell you if it is a shadow, a spot, the black hole....nothing; they simply say if you should choose to follow up on this, the record has been sent to Dr. XXX, and they will be expecting YOUR call.

Sigh.  I could rewrite their form letters and still fall within all of the new guidelines without stripping hope from a person.

So of course, first thing I did this morning was place the call.  Second thing I learned was my doctor couldn't find the letter he was supposed to have received and/or the report; and it was probably in this stack somewhere.  Now, mind you, the ladies that work for the doctor I see are darn near like family.  They were surprised that they didn't know about this before I did.  [Must have been a good mail day, hey?]

Bottom line...I've nothing to worry about.  What was found was a very small, clear and concise spot, yes, but "benign looking" and yes, this will allow me to get another "shot" at it in six months.  Hey, I not only can, but WILL do that, willingly.

And, I think I'll go ahead and do the obvious, and call my newest acquisition Spot.  Seems appropriate, don't you think?



Get your exam, ladies.  Gentlemen?  Don't badger, but please, encourage your wives to get theirs, too.  Cysts and such are NORMAL for women my age, and are for the most part, almost ALWAYS benign.  

So the question that is relieved right now is...I know it ISN'T, but I know it's THERE.  So, I'll keep tabs on it, and if the little sucker thinks it's going to grow...and change?  It is SO wrong!

Take care of you.  Because I need you here, with me...sharing.

Love you ALL....

Enchantress
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since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


655 posted 05-20-2004 10:34 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Karilea..thank you for sharing your personal experience.
...hopefully it may make one woman who reads this go for that all important mammogram.

Or one of our male pipsters reading here will encourage the woman in his life to go and let the docs do their job and have a 'look see'.

Thank YOU..for taking care of YOU!
Love ya sweet lady!
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


656 posted 05-26-2004 07:04 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

This past Sunday, I went to my neighbor's 80th birthday party. To celebrate, they'd taken over the park behind our houses here on the street where I live, and these folks did it up true cajun style--mounds of steaming crawfish, a sea of icechests filled with beer, the obligatory cajun music and a spirited game of drunken volleyball.

I don't even know why I went--I actually spent most of the day hiding inside, granting refuge to the computer addicted teens who tend to find their way to my "techno-friendly" home. But the spirit of the day got to me--even I, "Morticia" decided to brave the bright of day, thinking "eighty years deserves a nod".

So I donned my jeans, and an embroidered shirt, my "rosy-reds" (a beloved pair of round red sunglasses) and walked my tired ole hippy ass down there to wish this very spry eighty year old woman a "Happy Birthday." I was surprised to find her inside, donning her own pair of round sunglasses--recent laser treatment on her eyes for macular degeneration dictated that she enjoy her festivities from behind her curtains.

She didn't see me walk in, of course, but recognized my voice, and yanno? It was so nice to hear someone was delighted to see me--even if they couldn't see me.

"Karen! Come here--I want you to meet somebody!"

Smile. It was the first of many introductions I'll never remember.

After I made the rounds inside, I strolled out back to the park, where I was immediately given an icy long necked beer, and offered a cardboard tray full of crawfish. I told him, "maybe later" but walked off to find my friend, grateful for the cold beer.

She was playing volleyball in a tube top, her stripper-sized tits proudly wagging distraction to the men's team on the other side of the net.

I grinned. She may have gone up a size, but inwardly she hadn't changed a bit. She hadn't seen me yet, so I strolled up behind her, interrupting the game by saying wryly,

"Yanno? If yer not careful, somebody's gonna spike one of those things..."

She yelled, "Karen!" before she even turned around.

I either have a distinctive voice or my one-liners have a reputation.

We chatted awhile, much to the dismay of her audience, who were eyeing her tube top with anticipation and looking at me annoyed.

OH. Grin. I guess not everybody was glad to see me.

So I went away.


*   *   *

I spied Velma sitting in her yard with her family and walked around through their houses to go visit with her. We'd buried her husband on Tuesday, and Saturday would have been their 54th wedding anniversary, but here she was all stoic, sitting in the sun, and trying to celebrate life anyway. Her family was gathered around her in those plastic lawn chairs, and I heard "Karen!" again as I appeared in their backyard.

I admit, all that glee for me felt rather good. I took advantage of my welcome with another beer and a seat.

I've known this family since I was seven years old but I swear to you I had trouble telling the brothers apart. The thin one was now fat (and yep, purty drunk) and the one I had known as fat and drunk was now thin, shaky and sober, and obviously medicated, petting an adored terrier which sat devotedly in his lap.

"Did you bring your tarot cards?"

I shook my head and mouthed "no", smiling.

"Where's George?"

"Work" was my one-word reply.

Velma put her hand on mine knowingly, asking, "How's he feeling Karen?"

"Sober." I kept it brief again.

"Sober?" The thin shaky guy was Ronald for cryin' out loud. "He quit drinking?"

"Yep." I said, before swallowing the beer that was stuck in my own throat.

"What happened?" He asked this in wonder now.

"The doctor told him, 'Quit drinking or die'--so he quit drinking."

He nodded and petted his dog.

"That's what they told me."

"Hep?" I asked as I thought to myself, that this was way too casual a conversation, but nobody else seemed to blink.

"Yep" he replied, grinning at his own rhyme. "They had to take me off the painkillers when I went stage four cirrhosis, so now I'm just on the 'calm-me-downs'."

I said nothing, but his fat younger brother offered helpfully,

"But you look good bro, your hands especially,"

We were all quiet as Ronald explained, "I had lesions on my hands, they were ugly--they looked burnt."

Oh.

His wife looked at him and said, "But they're all better now baby..."

He looked down at his shaking hand, and I could see, then, his scars, and his voice sounded strangled as he asked her, not looking at her, "Then why can't I just touch your breast?"

Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at me quick to see if my look passed judgement on her.

I worried that they had.

Then I worried about the karma of that...


*   *   *

I waited in the awkward silence then, for an appropriate time to beg my leave. Suddenly the beer tasted bad and the sun was too hot.


*   *   *
sigh.

All prayers are welcome at this point, good poets, with my gratitude in advance. Sorry I'm not around as much, but I feel like a poison pill of depression these days.

This drug, "Interferon" makes sick people sicker before it helps get them well and we are going into this weary, carrying much baggage.

Prayers, please...
Nightshade
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since 08-31-2001
Posts 14673
just out of reach


657 posted 05-26-2004 07:31 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Karen, dear lady of witchery....here, hand me some of that baggage. No need to carry it alone. Not when so many of us understand and open our hearts to you. You are loved.
   Big hugs, Chrislane  


p.s.    prayers are on the wing ~
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


658 posted 05-26-2004 07:38 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

First things first.

KAREN!!!

Second.  
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


659 posted 05-26-2004 07:39 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

ya'll know how to make a witch smile.

thank you...

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


660 posted 05-26-2004 08:39 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Kari?

Yanno?

YOU...shaking my head here, with my apologies for not reading before I post.

sigh.

I canceled my mammogram.

sigh.

I figured it was just another tedious trial at this point, but...

sigh

prayers for you, too.

and yes'm. I'll re-schedule.

While I still have insurance.

grin?

Sunshine
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since 06-25-99
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Listening to every heart


661 posted 05-26-2004 08:56 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Please?  

For me?  

  

Thanks, little one.  



Because I have plans for us down the road.
Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


662 posted 05-26-2004 10:44 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Karen...you know you have my prayers.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


663 posted 05-26-2004 10:50 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

taking a moment before going back to bed...to say I  have read, Karen and am thinking of you


M
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


664 posted 05-27-2004 03:33 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Ya'll are all wonderful.

And yes, if you asked me right now, if I really want to go get my breasts flattened, I'd tell ya, "expletive NO", but I guess it's just one of them thangs...or izzat two?

Now, somebody?

I happen to know that our own dear Martie has the best mammogram story ever--and if someone will convince her to come in here and relate that, I promise I'll tell the story of telling her story to my mother....

sheesh.



Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


665 posted 05-27-2004 04:36 AM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Karen... Prayers and love are on the way.

Maree

The clouds never expect it when it rains, but the sea, changes colour, but the sea, does not change.
~Stevie Nicks~

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


666 posted 05-27-2004 06:43 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

"Then why can't I just touch your breast?"


You have to understand, that this man was not a poet, and he was prone to use words in a crude way, and the fact that he had said this, so honestly, so nicely, in broad daylight, with his quivering hands evident to all of us had hit me like a punch in the stomach.

*  *  *

He didn't say "tits"--he wasn't crude.

*  *  *

He was just a man sitting there, aching.

*  *  *

It simply took my breath away.

*  *  *

I felt the salt of shock in my mouth and I wanted to scream at her, "for god's sake he's dying, let him touch you" but at the same time?

I understood.

I wish I had two cigarettes now instead of one--like that would make a difference.

*  *  *

Ronald. Damn. Ronald.

He was once a strong built man--I remember a time my two hands couldn't encompass his upper arm muscle...

he was that fine, that strong.

I hadn't clasped my hands around him for vanity, but it was an attempt to contain him--I'd sold him a combo of angeldust and acid and he was having what was known as "powerheaves." In short, the man was "trippin'".

BAD

*   *   *

I was a teen-aged drug dealer.

Now that sounds "light" and altogether too carefree for my taste, but it does aptly describe my lifestyle at aged 19.

I think I can honestly describe myself as "cute" then, so my appearance was deceptive, even to the experienced buyer--I was a frigging "gidget" with a methadose.

That, in retrospect, made me more dangerous, since I appeared as a thing "benign."

I walked into biker dens with sheets of bathtub acid taped to my back, just above my midriff...

and I'm embarrassed to admit now that I even bounced my way in there wearing "pig-tails" at times, looking so innocent that I, the damnable dealer was denied entrance.

*  *  *

Soon enough remedied.

with dollars, too.

*  *  *

And now I feel responsible...

damn.

Damn.

DAMN.

FEEL responsible?

I AM responsible.

*  *  *

I wish I had a cigarette, instead of just a half.

*  *  *

As if it would make a difference...

*  *  *

too late for sorry

yes indeed

Sunshine
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since 06-25-99
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Listening to every heart


667 posted 05-27-2004 06:48 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

You may have sold, but he bought.
He administered.
Swallowed.

Truth is, the fault/blame is equal.

Your remedy...is to talk to her, and convince her to let him, one more time...

touch her breast.

Join the lines and make the circle.  You know how, and I'll be there with you when you do.  You know I will.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


668 posted 05-27-2004 06:56 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Kari?

Hugs...and thank you.

But you do see it, yanno.

I know I did...


Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


669 posted 05-27-2004 08:19 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

I see it.
and I get it.
and while it's not up to me to forgive you for anything...

I know someone else has.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


670 posted 05-27-2004 08:26 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


671 posted 05-27-2004 09:41 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Something good happened tonight.

Something Very Good.

My brother and I had been estranged for a time; it was only recently [by recently I mean in the last 4-5 years] that we have found each other again.

Tonight?  We started sharing our pasts as we remember them.  And it's been good.  

And it brought this to mind.

We all remember things differently.  We even see current happenings, differently.  I remember not so long ago being with a friend who was driving, and we saw an accident happen.  She saw it one way; I saw it another.

Doesn't matter who is right. It's all in perspective.

Sort of like...life.

It's all perspective.

But the good thing about today's conversation with my brother?  It didn't matter how we remembered it....

it was that we DID remember it.  His way, my way...it didn't matter.  It brought us closer, again.

For all of the things that Ron should be thankful for?  Is that this site CAN bring closeness, in many ways.  Of new friendships blossoming, growing over five years time.

Diversity....and that fact that we still all talk to each other....

Numbers....gads, the numbers.  Smaller communities have survived on less, and he gives us so much more.

Friendships that survive outside the community of Passions.  These...are just like in real life, and yes, I'm speaking to you, Ron.  They will carry on.  But you were the catalyst, the one who brought us together from points around the world.

There may be days or weeks, or even months, when, if Passions where to disappear, I might not contact the Netherlands, Australia, England, New Zealand, Belgium...etc....but contact?  Yep, we have that.

But you know what?  The times and trials will go on, tempers will flare, peace will reign, life will go on.

It's a huge circle, friends...a huge circle.  

Serenity, I'm sorry if it seems I hijacked this area...but it seemed the most SERENE place to put my thoughts just now, and as hostess, and Ron, as host?  I thank you both.

God loves you both.  I know I do.
Nightshade
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just out of reach


672 posted 05-27-2004 09:46 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Amen to that Karilea...amen to that.
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


673 posted 05-28-2004 12:37 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

Karen~

Who is then responsible for all the people dying because they smoke?

You take on way more than you should.  

I love you lady because you are as human as the rest of us.

"cast me gently into the morning, for the night has been unkind"
~Sarah McLachlan~

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


674 posted 05-28-2004 01:46 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I'll be back later...more running to do today--pant-pant-sigh.

But I think it's just more the realization of where all of it at once.

Take on more than I should?

I was just thinking about how I got to get where I wanna be, and it occurred to me that first maybe I should own up to how I got here in the first place.

It's damned easy, too.



But like I said, I'll back.

grin. Consider that a threat or a promise...laughing
 
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