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Passions in Poetry

serenity's interactive journal

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Nightshade
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475 posted 04-11-2004 04:30 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Sweeeeeeeet!!! And look at that adorable little Bunny Girl. Awww.
garysgirl
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476 posted 04-13-2004 02:10 PM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Karen, you said.......I chose that story because the thing that I do like about myself is my compassion.

I will give anybody a break--anybody--but me.


My sweet friend, I found that out about you not long after I came here to Passions. A person doesn't have to be around you very long to know that you are a very compassionate person. Like so many other PIPsters.

And, I thought of something when I was reading your story about Easter, Karilea. The Easter clothes made me think of a story about me and my cousin.

When I was growing up my parents always made a big deal out of holidays for me and my brother. They both were very poor when they were growing up and didn't have a lot of material things in life. They both had lots of siblings. In fact, my Dad didn't want any kids when they married, until he got drafted to go overseas in World War II. He wanted my Mom to have a child in case he didn't come back. So, I was born. Then he didn't want anymore. My Mother says that they had to have another child, though, because Daddy was getting me so spoiled??? So, almost 6 years later, my brother was born. Anyway, back to my story. When I was growing up, my Mom and Dad always tried to give my brother and me more material things than they had gotten (they always had plenty of food and love, though...so actually they were rich. We were far from rich (except with love), but my Dad worked really hard to provide a good living for us. Then when I was 17 years old, I got married the first time. That was the first time that I went completely against my Dad's wishes, and many more hardships came afterwards because of my pride. Okay, that's not the story I wanted to tell......

Years ago, my Mother had a brother who met a young woman when he was on one of his long hauls as a truck driver. One thing led to another and she got with child. So, he left my Aunt and married the younger woman. His youngest daughter was only a couple of months younger than me. We were probably about 11 or 12 when this happened. (Her older sister and two brothers were already grown.)

We were very close and she came to our house to stay with me a lot on weekends. We lived in Florida then and they still lived in Alabama. If we had lived in the same town, she probably would have stayed a lot more.  

Anyway, on Easter when we were about 13, Mama took me and my brother to buy our Easter outfits. I found the cutest dress that I wanted. It was a coral color and very grown-up looking. Then Mama asked me didn't I want to get one cheaper so that we could get my cousin one, too. She didn't have enough money to buy me the one I had picked out and buy my cousin one too. I wanted that dress so bad, but I felt so guilty. I felt selfish. So, I picked out another dress for myself that was just as pretty and grown-up looking. It was even the same coral color. My cousin and I were the same size, and there were two just alike, so Mama bought both of us one that day. My cousin and I were so glad that we had dresses the same. We felt like twins. We had so much fun that Easter. If I had listened to my first instinct, we would have missed out on all that fun, and my cousin probably wouldn't have had an Easter dress that year. I'm glad that I wasn't selfish that time......

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477 posted 04-13-2004 02:23 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Ethel...isn't it amazing how a little compromise can bring about so much enriching fulfillment of soul?

I love this story [and all of the asides, which could be tales of their own, hint hint...]

so when you're ready?  Tell another?
Nightshade
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478 posted 04-13-2004 03:44 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Ethel, that was a really sweet story of caring and sharing. It brought forth a memory of my own mother and something she taught me.....ummm....I believe it was my 16th birthday. One that is certainly special to teenage girls, and boys I suppose.
  I had a very close girlfriend with hair of flaming red and a personality to match...lol. We were best buddies from grade 6 on. Her birthday just happened to be a week before mine. We were crazy and constantly on the phone or together. She loved my mother and Mom loved her in return.
You see, her own mother was the type that didn't show affection, especially not to my girlfriend. Although as I remember it, she did show her motherly love to my friend's older brother and younger sister.
  Anyway, on my 16th birthday after dinner and a sweet occasion cake, I was getting ready to go rollerskating with my girlfriend(we had matching rabbits feet hanging off of our skates..lol)and overheard a conversation between my Mom and my girlfriend. "J" I will call her was telling Mom that she didn't have a party, nor a special dinner, no cake, not even a card from her mother on her 16th the week before. As she talked more she started to sob and my mother took her into her arms and embraced her. I peaked out of the bathroom door only a few feet away. I was touched with a twinge of jealousy.....that quickly left when I heard "J" say "I wish you were my mother." My Mom smiled through tears and replied, "oh, thankyou sweetheart, but your mother loves you, she just doesn't know how to show it....probably was never shown love herself." With that my mother handed "J" a prettily wrapped, small box. "J" wiped away her tears and grinned. "For me?" she asked in amazement. "I wouldn't forget you dear." replied my mother who suddenly glanced back and winked at me still peaking through the door. She had known I was there all along, and her wink told me not to say anything about the gift she was giving to "J." You see, inside of the box was a necklace that I had been admiring for a long time. Mom had been saving it to give to me to wear rollerskating. I did not feel jealous. I just felt pride in the gesture my gracious mother had shown to my best friend.
  Mom and I never spoke of this incident. It was one of those moments frozen in time, like a painting. Something to look back at and never, ever get tired of it's beautiful brush strokes.
  I miss my Mom.  
Sunshine
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479 posted 04-13-2004 04:20 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Kleenex alerts, Chris...
Kleenex alerts, please...
Dark Angel
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480 posted 04-13-2004 04:48 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Oh god... you ladies are all beautiful...

Chris..I'm in tears.

Maree.

Beauty of the world which is soon to perish has two edges, one of laughter and one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
(by Virginia Woolf)

garysgirl
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481 posted 04-13-2004 05:26 PM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Awww, Chris. That is so beautiful. Sounds like your Mom was a lot like mine. Mama is always thinking of other people. She is a good friend to me. She tries to teach me a lot. LOL
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482 posted 04-13-2004 06:42 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Thinking it's about time for a Nancy story...
bear with me folks okay?
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483 posted 04-13-2004 06:47 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

The facade of the stately  manor  belied who resided there
..or what took place inside the hugs oak doors.
The beautiful well manicured lawns of the tree lined street
led one to believe it was just one more of the magnificent homes
in the upper class neighbourhood.

Once inside the great oak doors, the parents of the
girls  were not allowed past the reception area.
Here..in the reception area, they handed over their daughters,
the nuns in charge, with a quick hug and kiss and a promise to write and/or visit..
soon.
  
Back home they tried to hold their heads high and said things
like their daughter had gone to visit an 'aunt' or something similar.

Past the reception area is where the girls would live, work,
and most of all pray for forgiveness of this horrible sin they had committed.
Father forgive me...

Days were spent, cleaning and polishing, scrubbing the tiled floors
on hands and knees..no matter how large and uncomfortable you felt.
All meals were prepared by the 'girls'..dishes and pots scrubbed to perfection,
or redone until they were.
AND prayer time...several times a day.
Father forgive me!!  Please forgive me.  Over and over.

Some of the 'room-mates'...usually three to five to a room,
and I believe there were about fifteen to twenty residing there at this time,
would sneak out onto the fire escape at night for a quick smoke
or those who were still in touch with the guy in their life would
steal away for a kiss and a few moments alone.

The basement of the manor had been converted into a doctor's office/delivery room.
Cries of young women in labor could be heard at all hours.
Father forgive me!!  
If you held a pillow over your head you found it helped to stifle their painful screams.
You knew one day it would be your turn...to give birth to this child you carried.
Father please forgive me!!

One of these girls was me.
The place: A home for unwed mothers.
The year: April 1961.

Nightshade
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484 posted 04-13-2004 08:04 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

How I missed you so.

It was so lonely and quiet at home.
I was told at the age of ten never to speak of this. You were away...visiting...someone...who would I say?

I remember the day you finally came home and I ran to the bedroom to see you. You, looking pale and older than when you left.
I realize now that the questions I asked must have almost killed you to answer. I'm so sorry. I was just a kid. But, you were home!
That was the most important thing. Not where you had been or what had happened.....you were home and that's all that mattered to me.
  And after all of these years, we both know now, that there was never anything to forgive.  Love You.
serenity blaze
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485 posted 04-13-2004 09:05 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

My beautiful, beautiful friends...

smiling through tears here.

I took too much benadryl yesterday, (and washed it down with too many toddies )

so I spent the day sleeping it off, (after spending the night in the Grok forum trying to "pee like a man"--sheesh) and finally, my sinuses are dry, and what do I do?

I come here and I'm crying and sniffling all over again!

You are all so special. I'm blessed to know all of you...

Beauties. Every one of you.

*sniff*

smile



I'll be back...and thank you
Enchantress
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486 posted 04-13-2004 09:08 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Chris?

Thank you...I love you too.

Ser?

Love ya lady!
Sunshine
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487 posted 04-13-2004 11:50 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

You did it.  You gave birth, to both your child, and once again...

to truth.

You did it.

and I am SO proud of you!
garysgirl
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488 posted 04-14-2004 02:13 AM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Nancy Lee, I love you, sweet lady.

I love all of you. This is such a cleansing place. SereneOne, thank you for starting this interactive journal. I'm so sorry that I didn't find it sooner than I did. If I had, I might feel more able to write some things that I need to write.....or maybe not?? I have some aches in my heart that I need so to write about. Some things that have happened in my life......some that I was responsible for, and some that I wasn't. Some heartaches that I was made to have, and some that I made others have. So much in my life from years ago that I need to get out.........

So that I can be free from those things that still haunt my mind........

The psychiatrist from years ago told me that all that was wrong with me was that I needed to get all my ducks in a row...and that I was my own worse enemy. I was in my twenties then......And I just got wilder. I think that I was rebeling against my unusually strict upbringing.
Mysteria
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489 posted 04-14-2004 05:55 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

For that it's worth, I have read every single entry, and all along certain things triggered extremely strong, emotional memories for me, and I have managed to write a type of journal for myself that has been a very enlightening, and almost cleansing experience since a day after this thread started.  Mine was actually a forgiveness journal, to me included.

Over time you learn to just find a place for your past inside you somewhere, that is comfortable, as it won't ever go away for you can not bury it as it did exist, and it also had a strong influence on molding your character, but you can't blame it for who you become, as you have one thing going for you - choice!

To Ron C - I have to agree with you that your past is never "responsible" for what you become today, and I think you are so right as for what it worth, I truly am a living example.  A lot of people allow the past to control them and the hard part is being strong enough to take your power back. It is so easy to blame failure, frustration, someone else, etc. from the past, and it sure makes a good scapegoat.  The fact remains you are truly the ruler of your own destiny, and if you don't do it - no one is going to do it for you.

I strongly believe our life is all about choices, learning from making bad ones, so next we can make better ones along our journey.  It is about taking the harder road when the flat one is so easy.  I have in my life, had nothing but uphill, and very hard roads, but they sure proved one thing, I never repeated history or became what any of those people were in my life that terrified me.  There was a point when I was about 12 that I knew I never would.  I took every single obstacle, and rotten thing they did to me, or that happened to me, and turned it into something positive, probably for my own sanity, who knows, but it worked.  I had long started a practice of every time I was abused, hit, yelled at, or degraded, I had made a pact with myself to do a good deed the next day to undo it, so trust me, I became a very good deeder  

The best part was that through that process I learned it was okay to not love your parents as sometimes bringing a child into the world does not give them a right to be called Mother or Father.  I learned it was okay too to feel that loss of love of the ideal parents you never had, and it was even more okay to grieve that loss.  Eventually like grieving a death, it fades and find a place of comfort in your soul.  I learned to borrow pretend "real parents" and hang out at those houses to see what normal was, and use it to my advantage, in raising myself as a rather normal kid.  

Chris's story about her Mom and her friend, reminded me of me so much, but you know I think I turned out okay without much love ever given, except for one friend my own age to cling onto to, and boy did we cling onto each other!  She stuck with me all through school and university, and knew all my darkest and sickening secrets, and was there for me with unconditional love until the day she eventually died.  I learned that all the adversity in the world thrown at you will never knock you down if you have a passion, a dream, a goal, or realize you are not the person anyone tells you that you are - but you!  I learned confidence came from within, and every single time I turned to external sources they never met my expectations, but when I turned inside to me it worked.  I listen to me a lot now.  So basically, LOL, I started talking to myself but no one could hear me so I never got a straight jacket.

I am reading, learning, and remembering a lot from this thread, some good memories, more bad, but it is good to revisit those dark ones, to really enjoy the wonderful memories, and appreciate my life today. Yup, Karen this could be great book!

See the time up there?  Pinched nerve and all had to get my two cents worth in - this is first for me at this hour!
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490 posted 04-14-2004 10:43 AM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

"I learned that all the adversity in the world thrown at you will never knock you down if you have a passion, a dream, a goal, or realize you are not the person anyone tells you that you are - but you!  I learned confidence came from within, and every single time I turned to external sources they never met my expectations, but when I turned inside to me it worked.  I listen to me a lot now."

Thank you Sharon..this is SO true.
You take care of that pinched nerve and thanks for joining us.

April 21, 1961
My baby boy was born and immediately put up for adoption.

My life went on...with constant memories of my first born.  Birthdays, Christmases..was he okay?  Was he good in school?  Were his adoptive parents good people?  I had to trust that they were...

Fast forward

Thanksgiving Day, 1997.

The phone rings...I answer and a male voice says..."I'm looking for a very special person and I think you may be able to help me.  I believe you to be my birth mother."


....36 years after his birth, my son and I were reunited.


Nightshade
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491 posted 04-14-2004 12:36 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

....and that is why I still believe in happy endings.  


Oooh, I just remembered! Nancy Lee, when we were visiting you a few months before the reuniting...I handed you a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that I had found on the pavement somewhere. You asked what it was and I said, "It's the missing piece to the puzzle." The universe was trying to prepare us for a wonderous event.  *sigh*
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492 posted 04-14-2004 01:27 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine



"....shivers...."

serenity blaze
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493 posted 04-14-2004 05:17 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Somehow I knew he'd found you, Nance.



Mysteria
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494 posted 04-14-2004 05:46 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

And he is sure a cutie patootie like his Mom too.  Nancy Lee, back then we didn't have the choices we have today, and I remember all too well friends going away to "visit aunts" and also remember their thoughts were occupied with the same questions as yours.  This is what makes a Mother - having the good sense to do what is right for any child, and sometimes that means sharing them with another family.  When you keep that child in your thoughts out of love and not guilt, eventually that old never giving up attitude prevails, as it did in your case.  That old saying that "blood is thicker than water" is so true, as so many adopted children are seeking out their birth parents nowadays.  I am SO glad yours had such a happy ending, and just think - he lives in my neck of the woods, so maybe you and I might just meet one day.  Now that I would love! (and a helicopter ride LOL)
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495 posted 04-14-2004 09:57 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Sharon, I just noticed...
"2nd star to the right...
then straight on till morning"

(one of my favourites)

Somehow I just knew you would understand.

But, sorry to say he is no longer in your neck of the woods, but back here closer, in Ontario.  No longer with that airline company, but I can get you a tour of Niagara Falls in a Lancaster bomber!
garysgirl
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496 posted 04-15-2004 01:59 AM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Oh boy, Nancy....can he give me a ride from Florida to go to see you? Wouldn't that be neat?

Seriously, Nancy, when I read up there that you and your son were reunited, I couldn't keep the tears of joy from flowing......
I like those kinds of tears.....
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497 posted 04-15-2004 04:01 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Next time I am out that way, I will buy you two lunch, and that is my promise, (bring that sister of yours along too will you?)   I am so glad he is closer, that is wonderful!
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498 posted 04-15-2004 04:19 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Nance?

It had to be that way.

It just had to be.

If not?

Nancy Lee? You would have a team of hormonal supersleuth women on your side...

(That can be a good thing, too, fellas)

IF you happen to be on the same side...



I've a friend from college--count her among my very best girl buds--

her name is Kathe'.

(Kay-TUH!)

That's exactly how she would tell you to pronounce it too. With just that amount of spunk.

We went to UNO together, and honestly, I don't know why we got to be such close friends. She was a serious student, and I? sigh...

When "the" question of "what's your major" was asked, and everybody answered dutifully? Kathe' would intervene for me--"This is Karen--she's taking up space."

I never argued with her--she was right.

There are, on occasion, people I meet that resound within me. I know them as our eyes meet, even before a word of introduction.

The day I met Kathe' I was wearing argyle socks. I was well into the party daze the night before, so I woke up late. My mom and dad were in the kitchen, as my mom fussed, "aren't you going to be late?" as she readied herself for work.

My dad had just gotten home from the graveyard shift, and was dunking burnt toast (he liked it that way) into his black coffee.

He wasn't amused.

I donned my pair of argyle socks then, saying, "Look Ma, I'm a college student!!!"

Then I put on jeans that I had cut off to calf length, (ripped fuzzy) and a pair of sandals, that criss-crossed, showing off the diamond pattern of my socks.

An over-sized cable-knit sweater to match the socks, my bookbag and a visor and my "look" was complete.

I slammed back the rest of my coffee, saying, "see ya!"

when my mom, interjected.

"you're NOT--are you?" She wasn't sure if I was kidding or not. "Are you going to school like that?"

Um.

yeah?

Nevermind. She was late too and we both ran for the door while my father just breathed his sigh of relief.

I laughed the entire way there too, chuckling to myself on the bus at the sight of my socks, so proudly showing with my "flood-water" "rips."

The amusement wore off by the time I got to the campus.

I was late.

I'd missed my nine a.m. and half of my lecture class in Anthro--so I went to straight to lunch. (That's a habit that took me years to break--I've almost got it too!)


I ordered a salad and a tall fountain "coke", and I was squinting into the crowd looking for a safe place to land when I saw my friend, "Donna" sitting with a lively group of people on the left.

I didn't know any of the others.

I nodded and went right, finding a quiet spot on a dirty table, recently evacuated.

I put up the pretense of an open book and stared at it, and I tell you, I could feel their eyes on me.

Then I heard, "HEY!" up close--Donna had come to fetch me--"come join us..."

"Really," I said, "I'm fine."

But Kathe was watching and hollered across the cafeteria, "come on?"

Shrug.

So I did.

*  *  *

I hate being "checked out". They did too, give me the old 'up and down', as I gathered my tray and book, and walked my argyles over there.

It seemed like a mile.

I was really regretting the socks by the time I got to their table, especially when Kathe' rolled her eyes and said,

"Love the socks!!!" before I sat down.

"Thanks," I said lowly. I was blushing furiously too, and I worried that social anxiety would get the best of me. Again. I was afraid I would have an anxiety attack, right there in front of God and everybody.

"I wore them just for you."

I don't know why I said it, or even where I found the balls to say it, but I'm glad I did--because to my surprise, Kathe' just giggled, rolling. Then?

She showed me hers.

We were friends for life.

*  *  *

Instantly, we were the kind of friends who finish each other's sentences, nodding excited, and interrupting, all girlish glee giggles and just bubbles...

We told each other everything too.

In about an hour. Smile.

I jest, of course. But it sure seemed that way.

But once, in the weeks that followed, in that love-happy spell women fall into when meeting like minds, I had asked her, with all seriousness, how she stayed so focused.

This woman worked hard.

She wasn't riding a free check from moms and pops. She had no student loan. (She qualified, but didn't want the debt!!!)

She waitressed and paid her own tuition.

And?

She made "A's".

She had my total respect.

So I asked her, "How do you do it?"

And she told me that two years prior, she had given up a child for adoption.

(no, the story wasn't that simple, it never is)

But I understood, then, that I lived a kind of privelage that she never knew. She felt a responsibility I didn't understand. She envied my freedom from that, and I respected the strength I detected in her.

She knew "he" would come looking for her one day.

She was going to be ready.

So she became a nurse.

*  *  *

Years later, when I moved into that tiny rathole apartment to have my own babies, she was there for me again.

She bought me clothes, saying, "I'll bet no one thought to buy you a thing!"

She ooohed and ahhhed over every step of my boy with me, never once voicing the pain of her loss. But I knew...

So we started out just talking about him.

Then we gathered some details.

(nod...you know it ladies)

Then we found out his adopted name.

Then his address.

sigh.

I guess we stalked the boy a bit.

(can you call that "stalking"?)

He lived near me too. (This was a closed adoption, but among family.)

So we'd drive there and park on days we knew he'd be off school.

Once she said she just wanted to hear him, so I did a quick phone survey.

I called his house and asked him questions about his television viewing habits.

We both cried when I finally had to say, "Thank you for completing our survey--your coupons will be in the mail."

*  *  *

It was a decade later, that she called me, and said, "guess who called me last night?"

I didn't guess correctly.

I thought Professor mumble-mumble had finally looked her up again.

"Nope." she said, smug, with my every miss of guess.

Then she told me.

"Last night, I talked to my son."

boom-boom-boom-heart-beat-boom

"oh Kathe'..."

*  *  *

Tears then and tears now...

It takes such an incredible act of courage and faith, and such stamina of spirit to live through those unknowing years, to an undetermined future, all done, so unselfishly.

I'm honored to know women such as these.

Nancy?

smile.

I'm so glad to know you.

Come sit at our table, will ya?

Thank you...

*  *  *

You are grace.

p.s.

Bring your argyle socks.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


499 posted 04-15-2004 06:30 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Smiling...
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