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Passions in Poetry

serenity's interactive journal

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muted
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300 posted 03-17-2004 09:47 PM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted

I don't seem to remember much about my life, and I certainly cant convey it the same way you guys do...but there has been a few instances in my life that were deeply moving, and I'm going to try to share one.

Three and half long years ago, my husband left in the middle of the night taking our only child. Devastation smacked me square in the jaw and I was down for the count.
Everything after that day seems dreamy, drugged, I was suddenly all alone in a country far from home and my little angel stolen away to the silence. Every day that passed without my child”¦s singing voice, became harder to live through, harder to breathe. For months I hid away inside the cave that used to be a home, a place that used to welcome in friends and strangers alike. All the light that once shined through boldly opened window, were blocked, covered by aged aluminium blinds”parallels of just how plain and empty my life had become.
My beautiful friend Melanie, who was hiding as well, but from herself, was trying to help me through this time. I can't remember just how many tears fell from our eyes, but I know there was no drought that year. The two of us sheltered from the world, fragile and afraid to open the door.
But, something happened one night, we decided to escape”break open that dark cell that had been holding me captive far too many weeks. And under veil of night, she and I took a drive to the coast”.was only a ten minute drive, but it seemed I held my breath the entire way. We arrived at the beach, slowly crept out of the car, and sucked the sea air in as deep as possible. The first breath of freedom is always the most painful,but, I continued to inhale, and I walked forward to the sand. The water was as black as the sky, but somehow it shimmered. The sand was cool under my feet; every step seemed to take me further away from reality. I found sanctuary, my god, it was here all along.
Melanie and I laid a couple of old towels onto the ground, each taking our place, staking our claim to the little dark paradise found. We both lay on our backs, to gaze up at the night sky. It was as if this was the first time I had ever opened my eyes.
The stars were so vivid; I almost had to shield my eyes from their bright dance (my heart almost burst from the beauty of it all). I knew, we knew, that shooting stars were the most sought prize of the night. Everyone always begging for a chance at a wish come true. How I prayed I would see a wishing star, a glimpse of hope, just for me.
The universe, she listened, and I saw the most amazing sight I had every seen,not just one shooting star, but a meteor shower of shooting stars. Melanie and I were so excited, so overwhelmed we almost cried. All that time I thought hiding from the world would keep me safe, thought that wishes were for dreamers. And here I laid, under a blanket of new hopes and promises that life will get better, Showered in a glow of heavenly winks.
Once, I thought miracles were like winning the lottery”invest all you have for little chance of winning”But, I was wrong.
The world i swimming in miracles, I just had to walk out into it, open my eyes and let it rain down on me.
And yes, all my wishes did come true, every single one of them and I now have the beautiful voice of my son singing me awake every morning...and kissing me goodnight every evening.

Thank you for letting me share one of the most life altering moments I've had so far
Sunshine
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301 posted 03-17-2004 09:49 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Amen, Chrislane.

I love your name.

It has a touch of crystal about it.  I am proud...to know you, and all of the poets who are reading, and writing, in Serenity's interactive journal.  Lives are expanding...and ... leaving pasts...behind.
muted
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302 posted 03-17-2004 09:51 PM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted


my heart is aching Serenity, my goodness, how its breaking for you...

its good that you have a wealth of friends here to take your words gently into embrace, and nurture the child within
serenity blaze
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303 posted 03-17-2004 09:55 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

smiling here.

My heart used to ache.

But thanks for coming here with us.

It's a good day. I think I have a new "anniversary" now.

*heart-hugs* to all.

I think I'll go cook my son a steak. I love to watch that boy eat.

Life is good.

Love to all.

I'll be back with happier tales.

Sunshine
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304 posted 03-17-2004 10:02 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Muted?
Welcome. And I believe I speak for Serenity, too.

quote:
The world in swimming in miracles, I just had to walk out into it,

Yes, girl, just that.

More will come to you.  If it doesn't?  Then, I have one thing to say.

Read.  Learn.  Adjust.  All that you might see here?  Might help, later.

I don't know what all you've read?  But when things get so hard for me?  I take the Gumby approach.  And if you do not, or are not old enough to know that means?  E-mail me, and I shall explain.

I am so glad to see you here.
muted
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305 posted 03-17-2004 10:10 PM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted

oh, i meant to say "the world is swimming with miracles"

me and my typos  

thank you for the welcome...ive read quite of few stories so far..only just recently bold enough to join in


Gumby is the little green plastacine fellow?
please email me would like to know the Gumby approach
vlraynes
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Somewhere... out there...


306 posted 03-18-2004 01:03 AM       View Profile for vlraynes   Email vlraynes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit vlraynes's Home Page   View IP for vlraynes


*hugging you all*...

I just caught up on my reading and each of your stories
are all so personal...so real... and so very touching...

Thank you, to each of you, for sharing them...

And, Karen?...

"I think I have a new "anniversary" now."


Yes, indeed... smile

I love you, lady...
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
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307 posted 03-18-2004 05:45 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Yes. It is done.

It's not enough to just decide that will be so--I think I have to make an active and opposite effort to lead myself some other place. Especially tonight. Especially now.


I gave you all a bit of a taste of some serious unhappiness (and resulting  complications) so I thought in the spirit of my spirit of extremities (chinese jump-roped razorblades) I would leap forward to what I call my true "glory days."

So I have to take you back to my garden and the street corner prophet who confirmed my pregnancy to me. That tingling I felt--it just gave me such a sense of, well, expectancy.

I actually felt at home in my skin, even as this little boy inside fought malnourished me for meals. I was basically living off of what the kids (nieces and nephews) didn't eat, and I promise you I wasn't well. The heat became relentless too--the summer of my pregnancy was one of the hottest on record. I wasn't well.

I didn't look well either, but denied that too.

"You're glowing." Twisted #1 said.

"Really?" I smiled.

"No, Karen. You are white."

She wasn't smiling back.

(noooooooo...........)

I was going to carry this baby. I was, dammit.

I was pregnant, and growing with child, and it was making me sick. I got very good at passing out. I could tell when those moments would come upon me, and I learned to find a wall and slide down, always saying, "I'm okay..." as I went down. I learned that a closet door was often best and if nothing else? I learned to lock doors as I slid down them so I wouldn't be pummeled by the unaware. I just needed some juice and a hand up after that.

"I'm fine." I said, gritting teeth.

But even in the centered calm of me, there was a growing urgency. "my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby..." as I traced those growing circles on my belly. I had never felt a sense of sacred before--not inside nor out, but I did now, and I was overwhelmed emotionally.

It was my sisters who first assured me that it was going to be okay. They even told my mother for me. (That's another story--grin)

They got me pre-natal care (the only protein I ever found hard to swallow) and assured me that even if "daddy" wasn't willing, then the aunties were--and my baby would have a home.

That was all I needed to hear.

Until the baby moved.

oh joy---flutter kick alive. My soul had been jump-started!

I had become a wonder of the world. I was a temple!

I understood so many things, even the futitlity of trying to explain. (Thus, that annoying beatific smile of pregnancy.)

"my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby..."

My mantra.

My baby.

As Doolittle Lynne said to Loretty in Coal Miner's Daughter?

"By God, I think you found something you can do..."

*   *   *
serenity blaze
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308 posted 03-18-2004 06:34 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I can't stop.



I loved being pregnant.

I felt sexier than I ever had before, and I was so calm. Everything really was going to be alright. I didn't care if the boyfriend was going to join me in this or not--I was busy nesting. I cleared out a bottom drawer in that creole cottage that I lived in with my sisters, thinking, "well, this will do just fine." But then there was the more insistant kick of a stronger baby the next month, and something wild and frantic grew in me as I remembered how I always felt that my own arrival was not "greeted"--but considered an interruption. I was born into a crowded house, and I spent my life apologizing for my presence. I wanted something better for my child. So I did what women have done since the beginning of time.

I went looking for a cave of my own.

The days went by, and things looked hopeless. There simply wasn't a place I could afford on my own--and with a pet deposit? I couldn't forget Bubba.

Then I slept and had one of my most fabulous dreams. In this dream, I had followed a tall lanky man who was telling me, somehow silently, "this is your home."

It was a shambles too. The gate was rickety, and I had to crawl through a muddy alley to get to the front door. But inside was more space than I needed, and I kept seeing potential through every open door. There was more space there that could be utilized and it was actually charming.

I woke, and felt that this was a good day. It's one that I'll remember forever as very magickal--because I woke and called my uncle, and asked him, "Is anyone living in Grandma's house?"

He told me it had been boarded up long ago.

I told him the position I was in, and begged him to let me see it.

He agreed but warned me, "it's not in livable condition and I'm too old to be a landlord" and he wanted to know, "where is your husband?"

Oh. *wince*

So I called the boyfriend, and asked him if he was planning on sticking around. He said "of course." (wow) So we took a ride to see the apartment--and the best move we ever made was bringing Bubba-the-bye-bye-dog with us.

My uncle loved dogs.

They became friends immediately. And yes, the place looked pretty bad, but no worse than where I'd been living--and I looked longingly at the huge metal cabinet in the center of the apartment--CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING!!!

Glory, glory, days indeed.

I was sold.

It didn't matter that the kitchen had no hot water and the bath basin had no cold.

"Hope you can shave fast," my uncle laughed at "my husband."

Then we went to my uncle's home, just four feet across the alley, and there Bubba began to lay on the charm.

We sat at my uncle's green-chip formica table with matching vinyl chairs as he warned us:

"You understand there won't be repairs?"

"Yes sir," my boyfriend replied.

(Sir??? whoa...)

My uncle grabbed a dusty pad off of a too tall shelf, blowing a small storm under the ceiling fan.

AS IS.

He wrote on it and underlined.

$250 a month, plus utilities.

"I see ya'll have a dog..." my uncle raised an eyebrow as Bubba smiled politely, wagging his tail. (Damn he was good.)

I started to say that he could stay outside, when uncle interrupted, asking,

"Does he like tuna?"

huh?

"Um, I dunno," I said honestly. My aunt started railing how they had a dog named "King" once who just LOVED tuna. My uncle demonstrated by opening a can.

"See?" he told me. "Dogs love the stuff."

(er--sniff--I did too...)

But he crossed out the $250 and wrote $200.

"Is he house-trained?" My Uncle was quite taken with Bubba by now.

"Oh yes," I said, and right-on-cue? Bubba went to the back door and barked. I was so proud.

That was it.

Bubba had closed the deal, just by trotting out the back door and lifting a leg on the conveniently placed pole there in the yard. Smiling and wagging his tail handsomely, like "see?"

"Heh heh heh," my uncle let him back in the screen door smiling.

"He's a GOOD dog." he said. He scratched out the $200 and wrote $175. "I've seen kids mess up a house more than dogs," he added with a pointed look.

*   *   *

Bubba got Alpo that night, and I began picking out colors for my nursery.

My baby, my bubba, my baby, my bubba...

Damn my life is strange...

but somehow it was working.
serenity blaze
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309 posted 03-18-2004 06:55 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

So we painted. We scrubbed. We were given a roomful of furniture for our baby. We had a small television and a radio. My mother gave me a fine gift of a round oak dining table that I loved. "His" grandmother gave me an antique Jenny Lind style crib, and my girls all bought the "pretties" for it too.

I had a changing table, and a single bed in there too, so I could sleep close to him. (They knew that I would.) My mother gave me her rocking chair and I learned how to do cross-stitch, then needlepoint.

I learned what all those baby gizmo's did. Then I never used them.

I gave birth to my boy, after the last winter's snow New Orleans ever boasted--January 23, 1990. I was the happiest woman on Earth. I was the Goddess embodied.

He was a happy, content baby too. He was a marathon sleeper. So much so, that I was able to plant gardens in the spring, and paint new life onto that tired old house.

I didn't think life could get any better.

I was wrong.

I became pregnant again, with my daughter.

Smile.

If you want or need any more proof of just how satisfied I was with life at this time, I'll just offer you this pic of me, holding my son, Zachary, soon after learning I was pregnant again.




I'll say it again: Life is good.


Sunshine
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310 posted 03-18-2004 08:30 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

It doesn't surprise me that you are a natural mother...my youngest daughter is a natural mother...

and there were so many lines in the last three offerings that I wanted to copy them and hug you so hard...and wrap you up in your own words.  

You are so Special!
serenity blaze
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311 posted 03-18-2004 09:37 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

(I admit I'm chuckled remembering some happier times)

so hugs you, Kari...

I'd like to give vicky credit too, as I couldn't have posted the pic that inspired all of it...thank you vicky

Life really IS good.

But you know that already...

so tell me a story?

er...anybody?

tappin' my toe
Sunshine
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312 posted 03-18-2004 09:45 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

You go write us a poem...
I'll get back to some more stories,
soon.

You've got me reflecting, and there's all this WERK here...
Nightshade
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313 posted 03-18-2004 10:24 AM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

*smilin' thru tears* ...  well now, if that isn't the sweetest pic I have seen in a long time. Geez I luv you guys!!
I just don't know what else to say. So, I think I will just take my leave until abit later on.
Cpat Hair
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314 posted 03-18-2004 11:43 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

enjoying the stories..and Ser, indeed you look pleased in the picture...

Muted.. the pain of such leaving and such heartbreak..I can only imagine.. I wish for you the ease of time and for your heart the joys of love.
Sunshine
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315 posted 03-18-2004 12:09 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Christmas came early in this present from the past...

was it worthy of sharing?  Indeed.  I have another friend who counts his failures...while all around him people count his successes...

I wonder if you two are related ...

...and of course, you reminded me of another story...
Nightshade
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316 posted 03-18-2004 01:44 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Cpat. -  man did you bring up memories of being a single Mom and wondering how in the world I was going to dress my daughter in "designer duds" and feed her properly. We worry endlessly, and even to-day with her happily married, the mother of two gorgeous boys, I still feel inadequate in one way or another when it comes to gift or even advice giving.
  Your Christmas memory is so poignant, it brings tears. You gave a gift from your heart, from your own hands. That's truly wonderful.
  I was so down and out at one point in my single Mom years, that I didn't even have an outfit to go looking for jobs in. The girlfriend that had taken us in at the time, lent me a blazer to cover up the fact that my dress was torn, and we stapled my high-heeled shoes back together. I had determination - and I think that plus an angel on my shoulder, found me a job.
  It is only now, years later, that my daughter asks me how we did it on next to nothing and shakes her head at the truths I have to tell.
  We did what we did cause it's all that we knew. You dear Cpat., knew how to give love. What a blessing!
Martie
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317 posted 03-18-2004 06:25 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

The sharing that is happening here is so special....sometimes I can't keep on reading I'm so filled up with the heart of it.

To all of you and to you, Karen, for sharing your journal in this way.  You are so special.  
serenity blaze
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318 posted 03-18-2004 07:08 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Cap? thank you



Cpat Hair
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319 posted 03-18-2004 07:16 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

welcome ma'am.. now that I know you have read it...I'm going to go delete it..
too much of me... and it makes me squirm..
lol

hugs witch..
serenity blaze
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320 posted 03-18-2004 07:30 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

sighs.

But? I understand.

and it's okay too, I'm not likely to forget it.
serenity blaze
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321 posted 03-18-2004 07:31 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Besides? I KNOW you will replace it...with TWO more...

Cpat Hair
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322 posted 03-18-2004 07:38 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

not likely Ser... but we will see.. my propensity to hear myself type and to put on here what goes through my head seems to be out of the control of my better judgement at times....

She opened her eyes to sunlight
just as in the mornings past
but this different in some way
for she had found some peace
                                 at last

Nightshade
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just out of reach


323 posted 03-18-2004 07:46 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Awwwww.....
Cpat Hair
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324 posted 03-18-2004 07:55 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

lol.. what a cute pout...

plenty of stories here to read.. and plenty more to be told... don't pout... just enjoy...

hugs ma'am
 
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