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Help I've been jilted!
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Help I've been jilted! |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon 
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Ok so here is how the story goes....I met this terrific guy and promptly fell madly in love with him. He's great with my kids, adorable, wonderful, loving etc etc.....one problem tho... He won't face the past and deal with it and move on... He had this emotionally abusive user psycho ex girlfriend that he supposedly broke up with last Christmas....well - Him and I started dating in May and there were still "remnants of her" (swimsuits, toiletries, etc etc) all over the house. Like she had just left that morning...well I balked and moaned about it and by oh hmmm June (??) he removed the visibly offending items...(yet she was still phoning him etc etc). Meanwhile I am not allowed to look in cupboards, drawers, cabinets....ever - penalty of death...or touch the phone........ 3 weeks ago I find girl birth control in a cabinet in the bathroom.....not mine.....in a cabinet I never looked in before......keep in mind that him and I spend nearly every weekend together and talk on the phone every night..... So 8 months go by, we are talking marriage and babies - I think the ex gf is long gone....suddenly she is phoning like crazy.....and he is supposedly "avoiding her" yet she persists.... Last Sat night 1 AM we were laying in bed and she phones up and leaves this on the machine....I'm probably the last person you want to hear from yadda yadda....hangs up.....10 mins later phones back "I miss you I love you". Needless to say I was a wee bit distressed...We had a huge fight and we ended it by him promising there was nothing going on..... Yet the next day when I asked him to cease all contact with her he reminded me how he doesn't really mind all that much that she calls. And that I am playing head games etc etc and his phone is offlimits etc etc. So essentially I asked him to pick her or me and he ended the relationship with me. What's going on? And what did I do wrong here? I love this man more than I have ever loved any man before and him being so unwilling to dump this ex gf is torturous and cruel. Thoughts please? Was I right to stand up for myself? A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us. |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I wasn't going to comment until I saw the last sentence. You are always right to stand up for yourself. If he doesn't love you enough to treat you like a goddess, he doesn't love you enough. You are always right to stand up for yourself. I know it hurts, believe me, I know, but letting yourself be used won't make you feel any better, either. I'm really sorry you're in this position at all. *hugs* Hope all gets better for you. Kielo (and see my signature... don't take anything I say too seriously...) I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
YOU did nothing wrong except be the woman that you are. Apparantly these days it's a bad thing for a woman to stand up for herself (I'm a little bitter right now). Simply put (and this comes from three relationships similar to yours), he's a jerk, and he doesn't deserve to share the air you breathe. Now onto what you can actually make yourself believe right now. YOU did nothing wrong. I understand that it hurts. I hear your pain, really I do. But would you honestly want to be with someone who's so unwilling to let his ex go? I don't want to get into things here, because of certain things that I may let slip out, but if I feel the need to later, I may just email you. Feel free to email me if you would like to know the rest of what I would say, alright? *hugs* I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but the day will come when you wake up and realise that you're better off without him.  "it was cute, it was like he was shy and didn't want to make it too obvious" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ah, I know this scenario. Let go, and get gone. If he is treating her and you this way, how do you think he is going to treat you WITHOUT her? He is already establishing that he needs to be in control, and obviously he has some control over this other person, just as she is controlling him. It's a lose-lose situation. In this instance, I would say, "be careful of what you wish for..." Cut your ties. I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but if I were asked, it would be my advice. Good luck, m'dear! |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Be glad that this happened now. BEFORE you married him and started having kids. Imagine if you hadn't spoken up? This would have happened somewhere down the line - there you'd be..married...7 months pregnant and HE decides he wants the other woman. I know you're hurting now. But you deserve someone so much better than this guy!!! Smile! He's out there. Remember you have to date some frogs before you find that Prince!  |
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Miah Senior Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 1062Pennsylvania |
This must be so hard for you. Being jilted stinks. I know it's hard to let go, but if someone truly loves you, they let you into their life, and trust you completly. He seems to have two woman, you and her. If he loved you, he would have not only let her go, but let you into his life with a happy heart and complete trust. Letting him go now is the best thing you can do in the long run. You are a strong woman, who deserves someone that loves YOU and only YOU, who trusts and cares for you. It may hurt to let go, and the road is not always easy, but in the end you will be stronger for it. |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
all of you are so right - I knew that sticking up for myself was the mature thing (and the right thing) to do....but I needed validation from other people. And so far everyone is in complete agreement - you and people who live close to me.... So I say - sorry Alex we could have been great together had you been man enough to choose only me.  I'll get through it! This is the one thing I know. Thanks so much!  |
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A Tone of Voice Member
since 2001-07-18
Posts 287 |
you are wise, that kind of behavior doesn't improve as a rule, it only gets worse. even though it's a heart breaker you've made a good decision by saying bye bye birdie, in my opinion~! Good luck~! My heart goes out to you. Atov~ ~I envy those who have perfected the art of being~ |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Geesh... Email me if you need to talk...  Or even if you don't??... |
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Salty Senior Member
since 2002-11-23
Posts 669Texas |
You were right on target, and I am so proud of you for standing up to him. Sounds like he is a control freak and still has feelings for the physco. My cousin kept getting phone calls from her ex husband when she was with another man, and I ask her why she put up with it. She admitted she must want to....and ended up going back with him. He is not over her or he loves everyone loving him...either way..not a good thing. I'm sorry you got hurt by him, but better now than later. Good on U. |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
Love and commitment aren't necessarily the same things, but they do have one thing very much in common. You can't successfully ask for either, and you certainly can't demand them. Unless freely given, without asking, without demands, without conditions attached, both love and commitment are meaningless. They aren't bargaining chips. But I think that's equally true of Trust, Heather. If you couldn't trust Alex to handle a situation caused by a third party's actions, now was the best time for both of you to discover it. Acceding to your ultimatum would only have led to more ultimatums and delayed the inevitable. In following your heart, you did absolutely nothing wrong. But I don't think he did anything wrong, either. By your accounts, he didn't "cheat" on you and was perhaps simply trying to avoid hurting someone. Does that mean he still cares for his ex-girlfriend? Probably, but that only means he doesn't love shallowly. Love shouldn't be a light switch, and it's not necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you, any more than your love for your kids lessens how you felt about him. The human heart isn't so small that we have room for only one. Thank God. When one person has needs another cannot meet, it's always sad. But, it's rarely wrong. Not on either side of the rift. We just keep looking. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I'm sorry, Heather. Things have worked out for the best though, I think. I mean think about it...things were off limits? Geesh, who needs that kind of a controlling environment? I'd look at this as a blessing in disguise. I know it hurts now, though, so here's some (((Hugs))). Better days are coming. |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Ouch - I was doing ok until I read Ron's reply. I'm so glad Friday is my vaca and I am leaving town for awhile. I gotta get my head straightened out. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't pay attention long enough to drive. Ugh. Men. I still believe in my heart that I did the right thing, but it doesn't make me love him or miss him any less. It's like part of me is missing. *sighs* It sounds like a good time to write. |
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