Member Rara Avis
Are there female leprechauns? Everyone knows how difficult it is to catch a leprechaun. Judging from my experience with women, I suspect that ALL leprechauns must therefore be female.
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing? In the Sixties, we were all told that we could do anything we wanted. We very quickly realized, however, we couldn't do everything we wanted. Ergo, anything and everything obviously aren't the same thing. The jury is still out on whether they equate to nothing, though.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Stanley Zieberwitch, a New Jersey resident, had all of his teeth surgically removed in 1972 just so he could definitively answer this question. Unfortunately, in 1973, Mrs. Zieberwitch had her husband declared incompetent, so now we can't trust his answer.
What does the K in K-mart actually stand for? Sebastian Spering Kresge, its founder. But it would have gone bankrupt fifty years earlier had they called it SSK-Mart.
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you? Can I get back to on that one? Or, uh, does that answer the question?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing? For the same reason people who stutter rarely stutter when they sing. "I'VE GOT RHYYYYTHM, WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?!"
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? Because even psychologists, who we all know have no sense of humor, still have a sense of irony.
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles? The same way they get big boats into ship yards. One piece at a time.
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly? You and I had to crawl before we could walk. Superman had to leap (circa 1938) before he could fly.
What is a male ladybug called? In my house? Squished.
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights? Because Christmas bulbs are a hazard to traffic when you string them in your door way.
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ? Experimenting would be closer to the truth. I have less concern over "practice," though, than I do with "treating you." Going to the doctor has never seemed like much of a treat.
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? Yes. See the entry under "circular definition."
What do you call a female daddy long legs? Squished. Definitely squished!
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why can't women do ANYTHING with their mouth closed? (My self-editor went to bed three hours ago, and left me here to get in trouble.)
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"? I think that person was probably a calf.
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? You're assuming he wanted to leave the island. I'll give you three looks at Ginger (Tina Louise), two looks at Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) and one quick guess why he never fixed the boat.
Do mimes watch silent movies? How would they get the projector and screen into that tiny, invisible box where they all seem to live?
What do you call male ballerinas? I don't. But, then, none has ever offered to give me his number either.
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? Zebras are purple, with black AND white stripes.
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? "I'm too old for this crap!" (He was born in 1829 and the first airplane didn't appear until 1903. Strangely enough, the first parachute jump was made in 1797. And if they yelled anything, it was in French.)
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed? Sure, but I really prefer showers. ("Whelmed" means to be submerged.)
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends? Hey, you bought Barbie in the first place, didn't you? You should have known that sort of thing would get you in trouble!
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? If you blew in my face, I'd get mad at you, too. Everyone knows that's what ears are for.
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window! A dog's nose reportedly has two hundred million nasal olfactory receptors and is several thousand times more sensitive than ours. Maybe when they stick their head out the window, they are suggesting the driver should be whelmed a bit more often?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? Pretty much the same. Except the backs would be called fronts, and would have to be much shorter so we didn't bang our nose. But, PLEASE don't ask me what toilets would look like!
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? Which one of me are you asking? For some of our Members, it would be more like genocide. Doreen, for example, has enough registered personalities to start her own country.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2? It tries harder?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? Yes, but they also have to tell him he has the right to remain motionless.
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery? Personally, I would prefer to just discharge the battery.
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? Because while it's illegal to drink and drive, it's not illegal to drive and drink. Order matters. Besides, if you're going to drink, there inevitably comes a time (usually about four in the morning) when a picture ID comes in handy. It reminds you who you are and, usually, where you live.
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Put fingerprints on MY rearview mirror and you'll be missing a few of those objects.
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? Blond. Trust me on this one. I know.
What is another word for "thesaurus"? Nancy Ness.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? The same person who put three t's in stutter?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not? As you can see, I rarely make that assumption. Or, as my friends often say, if a question is rhetorical, DON'T voice it in front of Ron!