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Advice Please!!!!!
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Advice Please!!!!! |
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Mark R. Member
since 1999-06-25
Posts 113San Francisco, CA. |
I have a slight dilemma in which a little help from everyone might help to overcome it. First of all, let me tell you a little bit about myself. (By the way, this is a personal problem.) I am 23yrs old, and am extremely sensitive when it comes to those situations involving relationships. Yes, I said the it. "Relationships" for some reason or another have always given me a problem. Not because I don't know how to go about having one, but rather for the reasons that it find myself confused by my own feelings. Currently, I am seeing someone with whom I work with. I love her to death, and I can't find the courage to let her memory slip out of my mind for one second. Jane, for purposes of anonymity, is totally opposite of myself. I am very private, emotional, and am in constant need of attention. For reasons, which I have linked to my childhood. Jane on the other hand is very open and she's very strong willed. Nothing ever seems to bother her. Whenever I get hurt she has always been there to kiss the pain away. Whenever I've been depressed she's helped me to rise above the storm and reach for the sunshine again. My problem is that she doesn't seem to care about those things which I find necessary in order to live. I mention it to her and she says that she can't be something that she isn't. I understand that, all I'm asking for is a little sympathy. You see I need alot of attention and I need to be told that I'm loved and needed. She admits that I give her everything that she needs and could ever want, it's just that she isn't the emotional, touchy feely type of person. That really hurts me; mainly because I keep thinking that she does'nt love me anymore, maybe I'd done something wrong to upset her and change our whole relationship. She also tells me that I give too much of myself. She says that I'm beginning to suffocate her, and she's starting to push me away. I really care about her and I don't want our relationship to end. We've been dating for nearly two years now. Not off and on, but constantly. What should I do? Should I back off and just let the pieces fall where they will or should I try to fix things, even thought I don't know what's wrong? Please, I've found myself in a desperate situation and would appreciate anyone's advice even if just a few words of encouragement. This coming from a young man in love and fairly new to the game of life... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Let me first address your last line...you are young and newly in love. Believe me, love is the great leveler...when we fall, it doesn't matter if we are 23, 33 or 63. It doesn't matter if it's our first, second or fifteenth time. We all feel the same things you are feeling right now. I believe we all have different needs that are bound to our 'environmental upbringing'. I don't think we can 'change' anyone but ourselves. If you love someone, truly love them more than you love yourself, then YOU must be willing to compromise sometimes. Imagine yourself tied down, literally! Wouldn't you struggle to get free? Perhaps Jane needs more freedom than most girls, but that doesn't mean she loves you any less. Now, this is what I would do - you can take my advice or ignore it. Give her some space but do it with love, not with anger or hurt. And always, always be there for her. Someday, SHE may be the one that needs to be reassured. |
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Mark R. Member
since 1999-06-25
Posts 113San Francisco, CA. |
Thank you for your kind words of both encouragement and support. I believe that I will take your advice and try to give her the space that she needs. I only hope that it will be enough to overcome what we have already gone through. You have put a smile and a warm feeling in my heart that I haven't felt for a while. Thank you again, for caring enough to lend a stranger a few words of comfort. I owe you one Poet deVine! |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Mark, I may need your advice soon...as old as I am, I still react like a 15 year old when it comes to love and lust!  |
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elvira Senior Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 936California |
[This message has been edited by elvira (edited 08-22-99).] |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Mark, some harsh but heartfelt advice: Cowboy up! After reading your predicament I could only think to myself that eventually you will drive Jane away. It is nice to have someone need you, and it is nice to need... but not all the time. You know you have a problem with being needy, you've said it two or three times in your post. But I have to tell you, knowing about it doesn't make it okay. Get yourself together and be a person, not a clinging vine. ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello Mark It takes a lot of guts, albeit you may have another name altogether, to admit you have relationship problems. But if you are the REAL Mark, then sit up and listen. You are very young, and yet you did not give your lady's age. Could be she is mentally and emotionally much older than you, even if she is chronologically your age or even younger. I married a man the first time around who was the true epitomy of "Peter Pan" and will never grow up. He was four years older than me. Later fate and fortune threw me into the path of a man eight years older than me, but as wise as Solomon in age and wisdom. I'm a touchy-feely-huggy person. He isn't. I like romance. He likes sex. While they can be synonymous, they can also be dissimilar. We have mutual likes; we also know enough to let each other reach for their own likes and appreciate that the partner has differing interests. That gives us even more to talk about. The worst case scenario Jane can be in is to have a greedy, insecure friend in you. You sound very much like you are only looking out for yourself. I hesitate but will say that I believe you are putting a lot more physical strain on this relationship than you are emotional, mental or anything else. Perhaps you really need to step back and look at the forest for the trees. What is it you like about her? Can you really imagine being with her for another [gasp] 50 years? If that question alone makes you stop and hesitate, then Sir, it is time to seriously evaluate this relationship. Final question. Have you met her mother? If you have, and didn't like what you saw, it may be time to allow this relationship to find its own demise. Good luck, and God Bless. ------------------ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Delores Hall Member
since 1999-07-16
Posts 342USA |
I am not here to give you advice,but maybe some insight.I have been married for over twenty years.And me and my husband experienced the same thing early in our marriage.He had said on numerous occasions that I was cold as ice and had ice in my veins.He couldn't understand why I was the way I was.And was hurt by it.Your'e still young and I get the feeling from your letter that you want constant reassurance of her love for you.Sometimes when someone wants constant attention and affection.It can put a strain on the relationship.They feel like there being smothered.Okay I said I wouldn't advice you on this.But maybe give her some breathing room.Believe me she will come to you.Maybe not as much as you would like. Hopefully it will work out in time.Like I said I have been married for twenty years. And my husband has come to understand the way I am.As time goes on.I don't think you will always feel that way.And you will both get more comforatable in your relationship You won't need constant reassurance and affection.Okay now I'm just rambling on.So I won't say nothing more except.Hope every- thing works out for you two. [This message has been edited by Delores Hall (edited 08-18-99).] |
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poetFemmeFatale Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646Arkansas |
In my opinion, you have 2 options, #1 being first & foremost....compromise! If she understands the difference in your emotional needs, explain to her that for now, you need a bit of encouragement & "reminding"....and in turn, try to "let up" a bit....Try to meet 1/2 way on this....She can be just a bit more sensitive to your needs, and you in turn need to respect her needs and not smother as much... #2....Find someone who has equal emotional needs as you do, who understands and will care for you and supply you with this. People tend to be one way or the other, very "unattached" and anti-emotional....or else like you & I, people who are very sensitive, sensual, and like to not only express that, but also receive it in return for "nourishment" for our hearts and emotions.... My last relationship was just like this, and I found myself in your very shoes....I loved this man and admired him for his strength and his being self-sufficient - he didn't need anyone to survive....unfortunately, he made me feel as if he was so strong that he didn't need me either, I was simply a roomate - a convenience if you will....I struggled with this for the longest time, wondering why I should be with someone who didn't NEED me.. He did love me, but he came across as being withdrawn and somewhat "cold"...I'm very much like yourself....I like to hear it & be reminded....it's just NICE....nothing wrong with reassuring your partner that they're important in your life....I like to reassure my man of my feelings for him....and yes, the guy I was with thought I went overboard with it too...he felt it unnecessary, saying, " You know how I feel, I shouldn't have to repeat myself....you should already know!" It's a tough situation, but it's important your needs are met....if she truly loves you, she'll be sure you're nurtured and cared for.....it's not a CHORE, it's something you do because you love the other person.....and you care about their needs, no matter how "silly" they may seem to you.....Sorry for rambling on, but I do know where you're at....***blowing kisses**** good luck.... Gennifer ------------------ - poet FemmeFatale "The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet [This message has been edited by poetFemmeFatale (edited 08-20-99).] |
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poetFemmeFatale Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646Arkansas |
Sorry, but I'm back to sum up the situation : Her strength and "unemotion" comes across to you as a feeling of coldness and rejection.... Your need for constant reassurance and attention, comes across to her as a weakness & insecurity. Thus the difference in 2 emotional make-ups, not saying one is right or wrong, just different - there must be a compromise, otherwise the outlook is not good...Both your needs must be met...It's a tough combination, but with a bit of awareness on both your parts and some effort, you can both be happy and meet in the middle.....****yours truly ------------------ - poet FemmeFatale "The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Mark So. You need to be reassured, do you? How about earning that reassurance? Start focusing on what Jane wants. Meet her needs, and you will gain all the reassurance you need, because she will provide it of her own free will, AND, you will know you earned it. It sounds like Jane wants a man who can stand on his own two feet, and not lean on her to make it through life. You may be in the habit of asking for reassurance instead of working for reassurance. Its a nasty habit to break, but, it seems to me, you've already taken the first step... you admitted you needed help. Are you interested in taking the next step? Here it goes... Just for today, do without cheap reassurances. Do something on your own. Maybe, even, apologize to Jane for dumping your neediness off on her. Like JP said, cowboy up, pardner. You CAN do this. |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Mark I'm no expert but the hardest thing to do when you feel things aren't quite right, is to back off...it's the right thing to do, but not an easy one....but, if you can't be you with her, then maybe you're not getting what you need from this relationship and maybe she's getting too much....I think I'm trying to say that when love is right, these things fall into place as a rule...but if they don't and you've tried talking it through then perhaps it's time to place your hand on your heart and ask her what she wants from this relationship...again, not easy...but if you back off, then you're not being you and if you can't be you, it's the wrong relationship or maybe the wrong time or lady.... I know it hurts but loving someone or should I say being secure in both giving and receiving love in my mind also gives the freedom for both people to be themselves...so if you're looking for something and she isn't giving it, then all is not well, because when you're feeling loved, there's no need to ask, it's there, it surrounds you... Hope it goes well for you.. HUGS ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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