Member Rara Avis
One voice dear, I know you posted this a little while ago but I'm sure the problems are still occuring. I haven't 'spoken' much to you, having only visited this site for a while myself, so please unerstand I respond to you with empathy and gentleness. (From some of the above responses I can imagine you feel a little judged and misunderstood)
I understand. I do. I don't have children, and my experiences with a certain man are dissimilar as far as circumstance goes, but here is my humble opinion: At 22, (same age as you?) I was 'trapped' with a man who I had thought was my everything. We were engaged, it was bliss. Then the abuse started. It took a LONG time to wrench myself out of it. I know, and I imagine that with children it's more intense, that it is possible to live your whole life for another. But, the time comes when you realise that's not possible. As you say I, and everyone here, don't know about your life, so I can only offer general solutions. I do agree with everything doreen said. You need friends. They are the life blood of our souls. Friends you can hug, cry to, laugh with. They are out there, you just have to find them. This is a sensitive issue, I'm trying to be gentle here: We all long for romance, and it must be heart wrenching to watch yours seemingly dissapate, but romance isn't necessarily the foundation of a healthy strong relationship. It sounds like you may need to re-establish a friendship with your husband. Begin again, I guess. I know he still loves you - he just needs to find a new expression for it. Sweetheart - you have to love yourself. If you feel that your husband loves you less, don't let that stop you loving yourself. Please don't base your self worth on the ebb and flow of your relations with the man in your life. HE ISN'T EVERYTHING! You have your mind, your gifts, your kids. Look at what you have and start from there. Even write a list of your talents and gifts and read them to yourself everyday. I'm also thinking of your kiddies. They need to see parents who love each other, so please take them into account in all your decisions - I'm sure you do. From what you say, it looks like he has become complacent in his relationship, things are routined. Change, while scary, can be a really positive thing. If you go to counselling yourself (I'm not clear if you are) then maybe you could discuss some positive steps for change with a counsellor. Just an example: If you don't already do this, here's a suggestion: When your husband is watching TV, don't ask him what's wrong (he probably anticipates this, and it doesn't seem to work in getting him to talk to you), ignore him. Do your own thing. CHANGE your pattern. Do it for yourself too - not just to try and repair the relationship. Remember, you are in your own body with your own feelings and desires - you don't have to devote your entire time to trying to fix it all on your own. He has work to do to - it may just take him longer to realise. If that doesn't work, try something else. At 22, you're still so excrutiatingly young. I know you must feel old with your kids, but you need 'mothering' still. (We all do really). Do you have sympathetic parents? If not, mother yourself. Speak gently and encouragingly to yourself. My essential point is that YOU can't change your husband. You can change yourself. (Not that you're bad or anything - I simply mean to find some empowerment for your life, a means of staying afloat through this).You've entered a new phase in your life and while it is hard and unhappy right now, things can get better. May I recommend to you Louise L. Hay's book - 'You can heal your life' - It was absolutely invaluable to me when I needed to re-think my way of living. Take care, we are here for you, for what it's worth.
(JP - that was unnecessarily harsh. You sounded insensitive and unforgiving. I don't believe it is anyones position to judge, when a cry for help is uttered. The focus isn't on quote99, who sounded damned arrogant - you have to admit that, it is on One voice. Remember - One voice is living her own life, feeling very lonely right now, and harsh words DON'T help. If it were me, I would just tune off and ignore what you had written. What you say may be valid, but I'm sure you could find a nicer, more supportive way of saying it. Not to appease, but to encourage.)