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Passions in Poetry

Help Me Please...

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~one voice~
Senior Member
since 07-08-99
Posts 668
Billings, MT USA


0 posted 07-24-99 02:30 AM       View Profile for ~one voice~   Email ~one voice~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ~one voice~

Someone, help me please...

For months now, he has paid no attention to me. He had 3 days off last week, and he
spent only 17 of those 72 hours at home, and still not with me. (yes, I counted...) He
seems to no longer care about the things that are important to me... Itís almost as if my very presence annoys him, these days. And the only time he talks nicely to me, is when he wants sex. Even then, he no longer holds me afterwards...he just turns on the TV and smokes his cigarette. If I ask him whatís wrong, he says nothing. If I say I donít believe him, he gets upset. And counselling? No way...you couldnít pay him to go.

It seems that heís lost all respect for me, if he truly ever had any for me. He refuses to give me money when he gets his paycheck. If I want to go to the store, he has to come
with me to monitor what I buy. And the other day, he got upset with me because I
thought our son needed a new toothbrush. I donít know what to do anymore. I have
joked around it for too long, trying to deny to myself that there is really a problem. But now, I find myself with a third child on the way, and instead of happy, he is upset... and I am as well, only because I feel like I have to go through this alone. I was a single mother before we met and married...I can do it again if I had to. But I donít want to. All I ever
longed for during those years was a family...I prayed and prayed for a family... I guess I forgot to specify to God that I wanted a HAPPY family.

He does so many nice things for me... If I asked him to do something special for me, he
would. And he is a very wonderful daddy. Itís just that I wish that sometimes he would
say the things he used to say that made me fall in love with him in the first place. I wish that he would do those nice things for me without me asking him to. In my opinion, if you do certain things for someone to get them to fall for you, why stop? If they love
those things you do...why stop doing them? He used to leave cards on my car while I was
at work for no reason...and I would find them there...and I could read about how much he loved me. He used to be jealous if I even looked at another male...now he doesnít care who I spend my time with. I wonder sometimes if I left him, if he would even care, or if he would be relieved. Perhaps I donít leave because Iím afraid he would want that, and I donít know if I can handle that kind of rejection.

I just donít have any one for me besides him, in reality. My best friends are all those whoís faces I have never seen, that I come to talk to every night via the net. All my "real life" friends have moved away...all within a period of 6 months... and I feel so damn lonely, and he is all I have left...and he, in a way, has left me here too. It makes me so angry... and I am so tired of spending my days in the company of no one else but children. Donít get me wrong...I love my kids...but I need some adult contact too... Iím only 22, you know... I need some kind of life...I feel like I donít have one. I just need
some real person...no more fantasies...no more broken promises... I need REAL life.

And I know there isnít any one out there who can help me. I know that he is the one who needs to change if he wants this to work. As I do too, is some way or another...I just donít know what Iím supposed to do. But this room is for venting right? So I am venting.

And yet I donít feel better... At least I have those of you that are reading this. Right?

How ironic that the people out there who donít even know me are the ones that care about me the most.

©~onevoice~

------------------
~onevoice~

"I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart."

DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 06-22-99
Posts 2442


1 posted 07-24-99 02:38 AM       View Profile for DreamEvil   Email DreamEvil   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit DreamEvil's Home Page   View IP for DreamEvil

Love, you have me, now and forever. My face you've seen, I've shared my hopes, fears, and dreams with you. It hurts to find out that I help in no way at all, especially this way. I can do nothing but be here for you, but if you don't let me in how can I? You ask "help me please", yet I am here. The lack of your regard is disturbing enough, but knowing you feel this hurt is worse.

Yours forever,
DreamEvil

------------------
Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings?
DreamEvil©


~one voice~
Senior Member
since 07-08-99
Posts 668
Billings, MT USA


2 posted 07-24-99 02:43 AM       View Profile for ~one voice~   Email ~one voice~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ~one voice~

Love, I don't think you understood...I know that you there are for me...what would I do without you? I meant real life as in flesh and blood...

------------------
~onevoice~

"I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart."

doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


3 posted 07-24-99 10:44 AM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

Hello ~one voice~-

Your situation is certainly not different than others.... unfortunately. At one point in time, I would have wondered if I wrote these words myself. I have a couple of things to say which may help you... although, I can't guarantee anything.

1- You need to establish yourself as an individual in a couple of ways: financially & emotionally.

Financially--If you are staying home with your children, I salute you! It takes a strong woman to make that choice. You cannot be dependant on him, though, for the necessities of life.... food, shelter, and the occasional toothbrush. I would encourage you to take steps necessary to perhaps establish a business out of your house so you can bring in your own paycheck while still staying home with your children. If that's not feasible, a part time job would help.

Emotionally-- it's good you have found support and friendship with online friends. You need to have friends to talk to and who will listen to you and care about you. But you also need to have friends to go places with and do things with and who you can call on the phone. I would encourage you to find some activity you enjoy and go out and do it...that way you will have the opportunity to make friends. Join a health club, join a book club at the library, take a class at the community college, volunteer for community service activities, join a social group at your church.... SOMETHING. It is terribly painful to wait for the emotional response from your spouse if he isn't ready and willing to give it. But I strongly suggest not yielding to any romantic emotional attachment with anybody since this will annihilate your marriage as quickly as you're reading these words.

3- If you want to make your marriage work, it will take work from you as well as your husband. You can start doing work even if he isn't responding. If you reach out and start giving to him, despite the fact that he is not giving to you right now, you should get some response from him. Think back to when you first met him and the things that made you fall in love with him to begin with. For a moment, forget the bitterness and anger and resentment you have, as if it never happened... and focus on treating him the exact same way you did when you met him. It will be difficult, but it will help.

4- There are many "marriage repair" clinics... most of which have some merit. Counseling, you say, he will reject. If you approach him, though, with information that you are unhappy and tell him you want to make it work but don't think it can without some outside guidance, he may respond to you. I strongly recommend a marriage weekend called "Retrouvaille" which is sponsored by the Catholic church. It is an international organization and you do not have to be Catholic or of any other religious affiliation to attend. It can be a life-saver for your marriage and claims to have a 90%+ success ratio. My husband and I attended and it was an experience we will never forget. The word, "retrouvaille", in French, means "rediscovery". These people will teach you a method of communication which can revive your marriage while offering support, friendship, and love. Please go to www.retrouvaille.org and you can learn more and find out how to sign up for a weekend near you. And no, I don't work for them.... hehehe

Ok, just to let you know I am not a counselor and certainly no expert, but I am 46 years old and have seen a lot of marriages fail. I am also working on saving my own marriage, so we have something in common. Marriage can be a spiritual, wonderful experience, but it takes work. Your spouse should be made aware that you do not think it's working right now and that you want to make some changes. Please do this in a non-threatening manner. If I have learned anything, I have learned that men are very sensitive emotionally and often think they are being threatened. Say positive things, not negative ones, letting him know how much you love him and encouraging him to save the marriage by working with you.

Thanks for listening. I hope this has been some help. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me at doreenperi@aol.com or put me on your aol instant messenger buddy list.... screen name doreenperi. Hang in there, my friend. Life is very short. Marriage is a gift from God. Treasure it and try to rebuild what God wants you to have.

luv, dp
~one voice~
Senior Member
since 07-08-99
Posts 668
Billings, MT USA


4 posted 07-24-99 11:09 AM       View Profile for ~one voice~   Email ~one voice~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ~one voice~

thank you thank you doreen....I needed your voice...

------------------
~onevoice~

"I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart."

quote99
Junior Member
since 07-14-99
Posts 18
US


5 posted 07-24-99 12:17 PM       View Profile for quote99   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quote99

Doreen should be a counsler. I agree with everything she said but would add this: Stay off your computer for a month! You seem to think you've found a 'white knight' on the internet and that may be adding to your problem. How can your flesh and blood husband compete with an 'ideal' you don't know? Maybe your husband's attitude is a reflection of his fear of what you are doing on the internet; it's well known that romances can/have happened. Happy homes have been broken up because of it. Ideal men are rare. Your husband loves you and your children, give him a chance to become the ideal man for you by becoming the ideal woman for him. It sounds sexist but if you want to make this work YOU will have to put forth a little extra effort. Put the kids to bed at night and sit with him - doesn't matter if you're bored by what he's watching on TV, sit in the same room with him. Ask if he needs anything from the kitchen. Treat him as you would want him to treat you. Since you say he's a good father, that means he's a good man. Be a good woman.

Note: After reading the comment below, I will refrain from posting here. A question was asked. Help was asked for. As all I have to go by is what was written here, I had to post my feelings on the subject. I assume you are the knight in shining armor? Then I will say no more. Do what you will. But don't ask for an opinion and blast me for giving it!

[This message has been edited by quote99 (edited 07-24-99).]
DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 06-22-99
Posts 2442


6 posted 07-24-99 03:12 PM       View Profile for DreamEvil   Email DreamEvil   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit DreamEvil's Home Page   View IP for DreamEvil

I think you should know more of the individual situation. You might also refrain from making assumptions.

------------------
Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings?
DreamEvil©


~one voice~
Senior Member
since 07-08-99
Posts 668
Billings, MT USA


7 posted 07-24-99 06:57 PM       View Profile for ~one voice~   Email ~one voice~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ~one voice~

quote99, no offense, but what goes on inside my poetry is for you to read and enjoy. Who says I'm doing anything wrong? Might the poetry be simply an excercise, or a challenge? Please don't make assumptions about how I live my life simply from what I post each day. You don't know me either.

As for your comment on "Be a Good Woman," I truly resent that. You have no idea what I do for him or how good I am. You must be a man, yourself, quote99. I wouldn't expect a comment like that from a woman.

And quote99, I'm sorry if it seems I'm "blasting you" for your opinion. You certainly are entitled to your own opinion. But you even said it yourself, all you know is what was written. You don't know ME. And you never will, as I will never know you. And I really am sorry... I can't help but to respond to someone who tells me to be a good woman when that is what I'm trying to do... No one here knows hows my life is lead...no one here knows what goes on in my life when I shut off my computer. Give me your opinions, quote99, but don't "blast" my life with what you assume.

------------------
~onevoice~

"I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart."

Nicole
Senior Member
since 06-23-99
Posts 1896
Florida


8 posted 07-25-99 01:07 AM       View Profile for Nicole   Email Nicole   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Nicole

One Voice....I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. I'm in the 7th month of a separation...although I'm 24, and only have 2 kids...the words you described almost fit the life I lived before my husband LEFT me. I won't go into any detail here, and I know that you don't know me, but I want you to know that I understand and that if you need to talk or vent to someone....PLEASE let me know. My email is satiate3@hotmail.com and my ICQ is 24109891. I know how very hard this is, and how very painful.
elvira
Senior Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 985
California


9 posted 08-16-99 08:28 PM       View Profile for elvira   Email elvira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for elvira



[This message has been edited by elvira (edited 08-22-99).]
poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


10 posted 08-20-99 12:51 AM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

Let me share some real statistics with you - I know of a doctor who studies 10 marriages over a period of a couple of years, all which were in trouble...He found that every single couple said that everything was great until they had kids...Now that sounds harsh, but there's alot of truth in that. Having children together is one of the most intimate things you can do as a couple....however, you can't put the kids before the marriage, and neglect eachothers needs as a couple. Kids take up so much time and need constant attention especially young children, it's vital that you make time for yourselves as a couple! What good are you and your husband to the kids, if you're not going to be together & be happy? All the couples studies said the same thing - they had grown apart because of so little time spent together, they hardly knew eachother anymore....They were strangers living in the same house, going about the day as robots, and not meeting eachothers needs, emotionally or physically....They were all told to set aside even just an hour at night once the kids were in bed to do SOMETHING together, even just talking quietly, watching tv & cuddling, anything! And also told to reserve one night out of every week to have an entire evening together ....with no kids around! Like a "date" night.....You must set aside this time for eachother, and there's nothing selfish about it - it's vital, otherwise, you'll grow apart and forget who the person you love is...It's so easy to get into a routine, and do all the routine things in a day....it's hard to have quality time as a couple....I've been there !! Another thing this doctor insisted on was a 6 second kiss every time your mate comes & goes for the day!! Now that's a LONG kiss! Meet them at the door with it, and see them off with it!! I've tried it and it works!! It's a nice way to greet without words, and let them know you're glad they're home.....and it only takes 6 seconds of your time!! You can talk to me anytime you need to, dear....I'm always willing to listen, you hang in there , and let him know you have concerns.....don't approach him in defense! That's the biggest turn off and the surest way to guarantee a fight! Speak softly, and from the heart....not defensively....if he gets angry, remind him gently that you don't want to fight, just talk.....Good luck my dear....Keep in touch! You hang in there!

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

Julie
Senior Member
since 08-20-99
Posts 742
Houston, TX


11 posted 08-22-99 04:53 PM       View Profile for Julie   Email Julie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Julie

You have my empathy OneVoice. My marriage once struggled as yours and still does at times but not as severly. I found a number of ways to survive it. Once that time past I got some real answers from my husband. First of all, there is a website called Marriage Builders, I find it very helpful. This is a very critical time for you...carrying a child. Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally and physically. It is easy not to when we think we are not getting the love we deserve. Remember only your husband can decide if and when he wants the marriage you once had. I am with Doreen 100%! I am nearing 40 and have had my fair share of impact the transitions a man can go through. Know that your husband is really very unhappy with himself right now. So love him in spite of himself...this is extremely hard but it can be done. Most important don't forget to reach for the help you need right now too. Your husband can't offer you that right now but I am sure you probably have family, use your all your spirituality, and you have us.
"Today I can try to remember: Fear loses its power to terrify when I invite it to be my teacher."
Best of Luck.

------------------
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
Marianne Williamson
JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


12 posted 08-23-99 11:21 AM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

I think Quote99 deserves an apology. A question was asked, the situation was described, and Quote99 responded to that question in good faith and depth of feeling - just to be slapped down by the very person asking for help (actually it was a double-team, wasn't it?)

Marriages have difficulties, and spending time on line because you get bored by him watching TV, well, that's just not right. I began doing that and put myself in a situation where my wife and I just passed each other in the hall on occasion - met a 'wonderful' person on line who I thought could give me what I thought I wanted.

If you think that person online loves you deeply think hard about what that person is doing for you. Is he encouraging you to fix your relationship with your husband? Is he helping you to understand your heart and what you really want? AND how to find it in your own home? If this person truly loves you he would push your toward the person you have invested your life in.

Now days, I turn my computer off when my wife gets home from work, I spend my time with her and our children - the important things.

That's pretty much it. Love is constructive, and if your "love" is damaging you or your life in anyway - then it is wrong, and not what you need. Take another look at what Quote99 had to say, and take a look at how you treated this person, and see the reflection of conviction you apparently are feeling. Then fix your relationship with your husband.

P.S. Before the two of you respond to this let me say: You air your laundry on the net, you should expect people to give opinions, advice, and yes - judgements. If that is not what you want, then keep your life to yourself, and if you hear something you don't like, take a moment to think about why it was said instead of lashing out at whoever said it. You have recieved good, heart-felt, advice from people older, wiser, and more experienced than you - take it for what it is worth or don't ask for help.
------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP




[This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-23-99).]
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


13 posted 08-23-99 09:20 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

One voice dear, I know you posted this a little while ago but I'm sure the problems are still occuring. I haven't 'spoken' much to you, having only visited this site for a while myself, so please unerstand I respond to you with empathy and gentleness. (From some of the above responses I can imagine you feel a little judged and misunderstood)

I understand. I do. I don't have children, and my experiences with a certain man are dissimilar as far as circumstance goes, but here is my humble opinion: At 22, (same age as you?) I was 'trapped' with a man who I had thought was my everything. We were engaged, it was bliss. Then the abuse started. It took a LONG time to wrench myself out of it. I know, and I imagine that with children it's more intense, that it is possible to live your whole life for another. But, the time comes when you realise that's not possible. As you say I, and everyone here, don't know about your life, so I can only offer general solutions. I do agree with everything doreen said. You need friends. They are the life blood of our souls. Friends you can hug, cry to, laugh with. They are out there, you just have to find them. This is a sensitive issue, I'm trying to be gentle here: We all long for romance, and it must be heart wrenching to watch yours seemingly dissapate, but romance isn't necessarily the foundation of a healthy strong relationship. It sounds like you may need to re-establish a friendship with your husband. Begin again, I guess. I know he still loves you - he just needs to find a new expression for it. Sweetheart - you have to love yourself. If you feel that your husband loves you less, don't let that stop you loving yourself. Please don't base your self worth on the ebb and flow of your relations with the man in your life. HE ISN'T EVERYTHING! You have your mind, your gifts, your kids. Look at what you have and start from there. Even write a list of your talents and gifts and read them to yourself everyday. I'm also thinking of your kiddies. They need to see parents who love each other, so please take them into account in all your decisions - I'm sure you do. From what you say, it looks like he has become complacent in his relationship, things are routined. Change, while scary, can be a really positive thing. If you go to counselling yourself (I'm not clear if you are) then maybe you could discuss some positive steps for change with a counsellor. Just an example: If you don't already do this, here's a suggestion: When your husband is watching TV, don't ask him what's wrong (he probably anticipates this, and it doesn't seem to work in getting him to talk to you), ignore him. Do your own thing. CHANGE your pattern. Do it for yourself too - not just to try and repair the relationship. Remember, you are in your own body with your own feelings and desires - you don't have to devote your entire time to trying to fix it all on your own. He has work to do to - it may just take him longer to realise. If that doesn't work, try something else. At 22, you're still so excrutiatingly young. I know you must feel old with your kids, but you need 'mothering' still. (We all do really). Do you have sympathetic parents? If not, mother yourself. Speak gently and encouragingly to yourself. My essential point is that YOU can't change your husband. You can change yourself. (Not that you're bad or anything - I simply mean to find some empowerment for your life, a means of staying afloat through this).You've entered a new phase in your life and while it is hard and unhappy right now, things can get better. May I recommend to you Louise L. Hay's book - 'You can heal your life' - It was absolutely invaluable to me when I needed to re-think my way of living. Take care, we are here for you, for what it's worth.

(JP - that was unnecessarily harsh. You sounded insensitive and unforgiving. I don't believe it is anyones position to judge, when a cry for help is uttered. The focus isn't on quote99, who sounded damned arrogant - you have to admit that, it is on One voice. Remember - One voice is living her own life, feeling very lonely right now, and harsh words DON'T help. If it were me, I would just tune off and ignore what you had written. What you say may be valid, but I'm sure you could find a nicer, more supportive way of saying it. Not to appease, but to encourage.)
Elizabeth
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 06-07-99
Posts 7296
America the beautiful


14 posted 08-23-99 11:26 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth   Email Elizabeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Elizabeth's Home Page   View IP for Elizabeth

Hang in there, one voice. I will say this: both Doreen AND quote99 gave good advice, at least in my opinion. I agree with quote99-both of you need to work. Maybe your husband is afraid you met someone online-I just read about a couple, engaged, where the man spent a lot of his time online, and had even met someone else. However, the "someone else" was none other than his fiancee! He had no idea it was her. Maybe if you open up to your husband, he will open up to you. Where would the world be if everyone waited for the other person to take the first step?

Go to counseling, and try to get him to go with you. If he won't, think about going by yourself. It might help. I hope everything works out for you-you'll be in my prayers.

Love,

------------------
*Elizabeth*

"Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low,
But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..."
JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


15 posted 08-24-99 11:42 AM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

One small comment to Severn:

Unnecessarily harsh? Perhaps so. I sometimes speak my mind without taking the time to reword my thoughts to be more palatable to the sensitivities of others.

As for what Quote99 said - I don't think it was arrogant - I think it was a heartfelt offering which was thrust back with venom and ire.

The only judgment I made was on the impropriety of asking for help and then slapping those who offer help. It is a simple matter of getting what you ask for and being mature enough to deal with it.

------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP


 
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