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WhtDove
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since 1999-07-22
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Illinois

0 posted 2000-09-24 12:03 PM


If you really liked someone, and they didn't know, should you take the chance and tell them?  Or would you forever wonder what if?



© Copyright 2000 WhtDove - All Rights Reserved
Poet deVine
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Hurricane Alley
1 posted 2000-09-24 12:07 PM


I would never say anything out of fear of rejection. But lately, I've felt that I need to be more assertive. So maybe I should! Hmmmmm

I guess some guy out there will be getting an email from me soon.  

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
2 posted 2000-09-24 12:15 PM


LOL WOOHOO!! Yes, you are coming forward Sharon! Go for it with gusto my friend!
Hey, at least you tried right??  
~Woooooooohoo~



CocoBaci
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 3043

3 posted 2000-09-24 12:31 PM



hi WHTDOVE
I would without hesitation let them know...

Coco


[This message has been edited by CocoBaci (edited 09-24-2000).]

Alwye
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since 1999-06-16
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In the space between moments
4 posted 2000-09-24 01:03 AM


I'd do it in a heart beat (and I have several times)....what do you have to loose? An embarassing moment maybe, but that's all...it's definitely worth it if there's any possibility for you to be with that person. Good luck!  

*Krista Knutson*

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucious

JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
5 posted 2000-09-24 02:26 AM


I'd keep it to myself, suck it up and be miserable for the rest of my freeking life... but hey, that's just me....


Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.
B. Russell

Ron
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6 posted 2000-09-24 03:28 AM


Like so many things - it depends.

I don't think I have ever been seriously interested in someone and managed to keep my mouth shut. Well, not since third grade anyway. Still, there have been many, many instances where I "thought" there were possibilities but never pursued them, and I suspect that's especially true in the past ten or fifteen years. There was a time when I thought love was enough to sustain a relationship and was willing to gamble on that premise. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I've since come to realize that love is only the starting line to a very long journey and I have to know someone really well before opening my mouth and admitting a serious interest.

To put it another way, I think a deep friendship is a prerequisite to a relationship, at least for me. That means spending time together, just doing the things friends enjoy doing, without the pressures of what "might" happen somewhere down the line. If the friendship is based on expectations of more than friendship then it won't last. And neither would the relationship.

There are, I think, two really great things about this approach. First, even if a romance doesn't develop naturally, you can end up with a wonderful friend. Second, when the time is right, there need be no fear or trepidation over voicing your feelings. Good friends, after all, can talk about anything.  

Nan
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7 posted 2000-09-24 08:11 AM


If "love" is going to develop between two friends, time will ensure its happening.  Two people who spend time together doing things they both enjoy will know when the time is right - when both are totally comfortable ...

True friendship does, in fact, know its own intrinsic bound/Its pinnacle's a covenant unfound... Who was it that said that anyway?

Remember when Harry met Sally?  They met accidently - three times - over the course of 12 1/2 years..... All the while they allowed their friendship to grow deeper and their bond to grow stronger.  Finally they realized that they really were ever-dearest friends who actually loved each other.  I'm sure they're still together to this day, don'tcha think??

I believe in taking the time to allow that bond to grow as well.. I do, of course, think that spending time together is crucial - and I think that Harry and Sally could have managed the same outcome in a lot less time than they spent. I mean - really - A decade? That's a pretty long time - Perhaps a bit more open communication is what they needed...  

Poet deVine
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Hurricane Alley
8 posted 2000-09-24 10:00 AM


I agree that the best relationships start with friendship. And I think the movie Nan refers to does show the evolution of a hate/friendship/love relationship. But that wasn't really the question.

Would you speak up? If you met someone and really liked them, would you tell them? How could a relationship develop if one person sat there mute while the other one went along never knowing? Who takes the first step? This is probably a generational thing, I was raised to thing ladies didn't 'go after' a guy!  

And another thing! (came back to edit this with another brilliant thought) which I then decided wasn't so brilliant so I deleted it.  


[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (edited 09-24-2000).]

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
9 posted 2000-09-24 10:32 AM


Ron I agree that a good friendship, relationship is a solid foundation to start on.

I think many go wrong when they jump because of what they see, and in turn it's infatuation. That won't last long. I agree that having a deep friendship is a good thing. What better thing to have, than to have a partner (if it works), to be your best friend. And yes, of course,to have a great friendship if things don't go in that direction.

Now, I'm gonna give you something to think about here. For instance, this happened to me.  Is there a line when that friendship goes to far into friendship that it can't turn into anything more???

I had a friend, who was a guy, his name was Mike. And we talked, he was always there for me. He was my best friend!! We hung around for many years...now after so many years, this guy became like a brother to me. We were so close.  He never let it be known, that he thought of me in any other way, but a friend.

I was in one bad relationship after the other, and even set him up with someone.
(that didn't last too long)...but years later, he did mention how upset he was. That he saw me go through these relationships, and would have never treated me with anything but the utmost respect. I know he would have treated me well. The thing is, had I known maybe sometime earlier that this feeling was there, I might have looked at it differently.  

There was something about it when I found out, that he was just way too close, like I said a brother, to think about having any relationship other than friendship.  I miss him dearly, and haven't spoken to him in many years. (it's not because of that)

He moved, and I lost touch with him.

So other than building a close relationship, don't you think it should be known that you like this person?  I mean LIKE, not love....

Get what I'm saying? I mean to start out on frienship and really get to know each other, is GREAT, but I mean a while after that, don't you think something should be said?

Or do you think that no matter how that friendship goes, there still could be romance there?  Just my thoughts here, as screwed up as they are LOL  

(of course y'all, this question don't apply to me, it's hypothetical)

JP, I'm sure the point would come across if I liked someone...but I'd probably do the same thing. I wouldn't come out and say it, but forever hold my piece.  I don't have to worry about that now, cause I have a hubby...

Sunshine
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10 posted 2000-09-24 12:20 PM


Y'know, thought I was eating crackers, saw the original post on "like" and it quickly [whew...] moved into "love"...

and I thought "what the heck happened to like?"  Yikes!

For numerous reasons, and obviously this being a Karilea-type fluke, I make it a point that when I am very comfortable with someone, I do indeed let them know that I like them.  As a friend, mentor, confidant, because of their wit, humor, steadfastness, loyalty, spirit...whatever reason stands out, I try to point that out as meaning something special to me. [No, my name still isn't Pollyanna...]  But that's my nature! Why NOT tell people the good things about them, what makes them spark and shine and so uniquely special to you? Heaven knows there are enough folk out there bringing others down...sometimes the word "like" makes all the difference in the world.

Great question Rebecca.  Will check back in to see more responses...

Karilea
When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ


serenity blaze
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

11 posted 2000-09-24 12:43 PM


Of course you should tell them.  It's love.
Spread it around.  Scream it from the mountain tops.  Dive naked into the ocean.
And yes, you may cry later.  But you were probably going to anyway.

brian madden
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since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
12 posted 2000-09-24 12:58 PM


It depends.... in a nightclub I just can't get talking to people. I am the kind of person that needs an intimate setting, talking a few times getting to know them and then slowly moving in...though I am probably way too subtle and careful. I should take more risks but I am in that natural progression thing, letting it happen in that moment and I have been waiting a long time for that right moment... So I say go for it, if you feel right about it test them a bit see how they react then go for it. Best of luck.

"an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree
the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women".
Patti Smith

Rex
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since 2000-06-29
Posts 482
Houston, Texas
13 posted 2000-09-24 12:59 PM


Absolutely, but not directly....there are many ways to let someone know you are interested.  Ah! Now for the other side of the coin...as contrasted to those of you who opt for the cautious approach.

I met a lady for the first time on March 15th.  We had our first date (lunch)(we worked at the same place) on May 10th.  We were engaged on May 15th.  We were married on July 29th.  We celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary this past July 29th. I think it might just work out!


WhtDove
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since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
14 posted 2000-09-24 10:40 PM


Ok all, this is just a question!

I am asking it hypothetically!

And like Karilea pointed out, I said LIKE not LOVE.

Brian, a nightclub is just not the kind of place I would like to meet people IF I were meeting them.  Been through that scene.  I mean even let it speak by your actions you know? I mean a gesture or something that you like them? Do you tell them that way?

Karen ROFL!!  LIKE girl NOT love, like! LOL

Rex, that's remarkable how that turned out!
Sometimes it just does that. Congrats on so many years!    

serenity blaze
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15 posted 2000-09-24 11:50 PM


Sorry, Dovie...LOL...when I LIKE--I LOVE...

love YOU!!!

Temptress
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16 posted 2000-09-25 12:20 PM


Hmm..I'll assume you mean more than just guy vs girl like?

Friendship: I am normally shy at making new friends.  I could kick myself over the number of close acquaintences that could have been lasting friendships if not for my reserved demeanor with new people.  It isn't that I don't like them. Its just that the first time I was seriously wounded by a backstabbing "new" friend was the last as far as I was concerned.  I know..I know..Not all of them will treat me that way, but I'm still very careful, and very shy when it comes to something like inviting them over or spending leisure time with them.  

Anything that might possibly be beyond friendship kind of like:
Yes, I think now that I am a little older, I could do that for myself. I could let them know.  One thing I'd like to ask though is if you "liked" someone in a possibly more progressive way and it wasn't possible (insert reasons here), would you tell them (in the honor of being honest), or keep it to yourself?

WhtDove
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since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
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17 posted 2000-09-25 01:23 PM


Nope, I did mean boy/girl...going out, dating, liking, that kind of stuff.


Temptress, I guess what I mean to say here, (pardon me all), is if you liked someone, and that someone I guess would have possibilities of growing into a love.

You know, you see someone you like, or sort of know someone you like, you don't know them well enough to love them, but you would certainly like to get to know them better, would you say something? Would you tell that someone you liked them? Wanted a relationship to get to know eachother better?

You raise a good question at the end there. I guess it depends upon the circumstance of why it's not possible! Is it not possible because that other person is married or something like that, then it wouldn't really be worth saying it. I'm not sure, there could be so many reasons, so I have to say it just depends.

You know I understand about the friendship thing. I'm shy too when it comes to that, a lot of times others view it as being stuck-up? I guess, I don't know.  I like to believe I'm a good hearted person, and for that reason, I tend to get walked on a lot.
Though I've gotten better at voicing things, and came to a point where, if they're your true friends, and you voice something you don't like, they'll still be there. If they're not, then they weren't really true to begin with!

Hugs to ya! It happens, and that's a drag, but you'll learn. If you ever wanna talk, I'm here ok?  


Temptress
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18 posted 2000-09-25 07:23 PM


One note here...
No matter if it is possible or not, I believe NOTHING is wasted when someone is honest enough to speak their true feelings about it. Even if not possible, at least its out there and dealt with in one way or another. No admittance of the heart is ever a worthless effort in my opinion. It could cause a number of different things, but it is never a waste.   Hey..did I say it wasn't a waste yet? LOL! Sorry for repeating myself. Laters and thanks for the offer.  
< !signature-->

My name isn't  Baby, and I don't want to cyber.

[This message has been edited by Temptress (edited 09-25-2000).]

Sven
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East Lansing, MI USA
19 posted 2000-09-25 08:14 PM


YES!!!!!

Life is too short. . . and if you don't. . . how will you know??  You'll torture yourself forever about it. . . (and write really yearning poetry!!)

I have to agree with Karilea. . . why not tell them??

And I also agree with serenity, but not totally. . . you don't know if you're going to cry anyway. . . but that's the chance. . .

and deVine. . . I didn't get that e-mail!!  LOL  

----------------------------------------------------

That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl


doreen peri
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since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
20 posted 2000-09-26 09:23 PM


is it "like"?
is it "love"?
is it "infatuation"?

well, who cares, basically.

the deal is this... in my humble opinion, i can only answer you as to what i would do.... in ANY of the above circumstances.

life is short. it's frigging short. too too too short. and i say, "like" "love" and "infatuation" and all that good stuff are all VERY good words for people caring for each other.

ok, now for the philosophy of it. let's say you "like" someone... to use rebecca's word... what do you do? to you fess up? hide it? pretend you don't? give hints? maybe you could play tag or hide and seek or chess or something and the feelings would just seep through somehow... but in the meantime, do you make sure you don't actually come out and say it because .... it would be embarrassing if you got rejected? or because... hmmmm... what could happen.... maybe your heart would be exposed and you'd actually be taking a risk.... Well then, that would be, lemme see... a gamble. Yes. a gamble.

so... on the other hand, you could speak it. Say it. under no uncertain terms. you could even actually.... (watch out now boys and girls)... SAY that you were nervous about exposing your emotions and your feelings for this "friend" or ... hehe... possible future... companion... or just someone you "like".... well, what would happen then? geez... he or she could reject you, sure. he or she could put you on "hold" and MAYBE get back to you.... OR... he or she could answer,

"cool!!! guess what? i LIKE you, too!



and then... hehe...   ... you might actually HAVE a LIFE and a RELATIONSHIP with someone... OR..... not...

so... what's my answer?

there is no debate.

speak your heart

... take the consequences and the risk... because... life is short... tooo tooo too frigging short... and there are hundreds of thousands of us and we all want/need/DESERVE to be loved and

LIKED


                

~ all you can really ever expect out of life is a sincere apology and some decent poetry ~


doreen peri
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since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
21 posted 2000-09-26 09:34 PM


One more thing....

let's just say... that you....

don't say anything !



what happens then? I mean, let's just say... for just a minute.. that this particular person... and you... would be GREAT together... a VERY good match as people who "LIKE" each other or... (hmmmm.... "love" each other") hehe... but... you didn't say anything and so that person thinks... "well... geez... he/she doesn't LIKE me" because it wasn't verbalized.... well,

WHAT THEN?



*g... i truly truly think that what then could be the possibility of the companionship or friendship or LOVING relationship....

missed.... *tears



and what would you say if later... much much later,

WHEN IT WAS WAYYYYY TOO LATE....

because he or she had already hooked up with someone else or

DIED

or something and...you found out that... he/she...actually felt the same way you did but neither verbalized it or expressed it in any way...???

i think you would feel....

                          

ok, i'm done

aren't you guys glad i verbalized all this??? hehe *wink*

oh, and guess what???

I LOVE YOU POETPEOPLE



life is short... enjoy  

[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 09-26-2000).]

Nan
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Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
22 posted 2000-09-26 09:41 PM


Hm.... Weren't you going somewhere, Doreen? Oh - I see you're back already... I sure am glad - It was really quiet around here without you...

So - All you turtles should be coming out of your shells now, eh???


doreen peri
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23 posted 2000-09-26 09:45 PM


hehe... whoops! am i still here?    
Sunshine
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24 posted 2000-09-26 09:50 PM


Conversation was way too good to let it go...

thanks, Rebecca...just got new glasses and thought I needed a refund...

suffice to say...when I like someone, I tell 'em...and when I love them, they know that, too...

as Doreen says...life is way, way too too short...and I'd rather know that someone could make me cry, as opposed to not having said what was on my mind...[sure signs that I'm getting old....]

Local Rebel
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since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
25 posted 2000-09-26 10:40 PM


My 2 cents.... the answer is always no until you ask...

and then even if the answer is no -- the worst thing that can happen is -- you move on and find someone who says -- Yes

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
26 posted 2000-09-26 11:05 PM


Interesting what I just found in Feelings, take a look.
/pip/Forum1/HTML/000288.html

aLLaLONE
New Member
since 2000-09-25
Posts 7

27 posted 2000-09-27 01:53 AM


I think you know what I'm going to write. I'm the guy that wrote that thing in "Feelings". You just got to put it all out there. If you don't you might miss out on something special. If you get rejected, at least theres no regret. Go all out.
Sven
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28 posted 2000-09-27 12:48 PM


WOO HOO DOREEN!!!

This is perfect. . . Doreen's right people. . . you have to do it. . . life's too short. . . there's no time like now. . . sure, you might get rejected. . . but at least you'll know!!!  

It's better to know than to NOT know and torture yourself. . .

--------------------------------------------------------< !signature-->

That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl



[This message has been edited by Sven (edited 09-27-2000).]

Ron
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29 posted 2000-09-27 03:35 PM


If one is talking about "like" as in friendship, then I absolutely agree it is important to vocalize your feelings. Friends are the cornerstone of life.

If one is talking about "like" as in a serious relationship, then again, I agree. Anything and everything you do in life is a gamble, a weighing of the possible benefits versus the possible hazards, and this is one of those few instances where the benefits GREATLY outweigh any possible downside.

But if we're talking about "like" as in a casual, it-might-become-something-someday romance, then I have to repeat my earlier answer - it depends.

I love to read. Fiction, nonfiction, poetry, the back of cereal boxes - it just doesn't seem to matter. There have been extended periods in my life, lasting several months, where I would average about ten books a week. That kind of intensity (not unusual in my life) is a bit intrusive, of course, and I wasn't getting a whole lot else done. These days I tend to read only during meals and finish about a book a week. Unless I find a particularly absorbing novel, in which case I usually read it in a single sitting.

I wish I could read every book that draws my interest. I can't, because life is short and there are other things I want to do. Reading is both a great joy in my life and a disruptive force, so I've found I need to be selective. Does that mean I miss some really great reads? Probably. Almost certainly. But as much as I enjoy reading, as much as I cherish finding that rare book that can change the way we experience life, I cannot devote too much of my life to the pursuit. I have to hope I can find that rare read through reviews or recommendations - or by pure luck - because I know I can't find it through simple diligence. Life is simply too short.

If I find a person I enjoy spending time with as a friend, without expectations or pressures, that is the equivalent of reading the dust jacket to see if I think I'll like the book. In many instances, that simply means sharing common interests. A trip to the theatre. A visit to local event. Even just a casual lunch or, better, an impromptu picnic. Telling someone I "like" them in a romantic sense at this stage is premature and too much like saying, "I want to be your friend because I think there's the potential for more." I'd much rather just enjoy their company. As friends.

It's not so much that I'm afraid of being rejected as it is I dislike the sense of obligation. I might find the painting on the cover attractive and the inside jacket interesting, but that still doesn't mean I'm going to buy the book. I just want to read a bit more before committing myself to something as serious as "like."  

Local Rebel
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since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
30 posted 2000-09-27 04:10 PM


Well -- my interpretation of the question was just whether or not to take the initial step -- yanno ask somebody out or not -- which I think is great when the woman does it too.. btw...

but -- I have to agree with Ron -- once there is mutual interest established it's best to peel the orange slowly -- but if you don't peel at all -- you never get to the sweet stuff inside

AngelShell
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since 2000-03-01
Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...
31 posted 2000-09-27 11:24 PM


Going all out and telling someone you like them has both it's advantages and it's disadvantages...I don't know what age group Im speaking to here, but I'm guessing that you're all a little older than I...there fore, you would all (hopefully) have a little more experience than myself.
But telling someone, can also be a MAJOR let down...I mean, COME ON, confidence shattered, heart broken, humiliation...

In fact, all this isn't too uncommon to me right now...and if you will...I shall tell you my sad and weary tale of heart break and dissapointment...
(It's actually not that big a story)
Met a guy, liked him, thought he liked me, got drunk, burst out crying when he kissed one of my best friends (who is ah...a little...how do I say this...loose?) told him the next day that I liked him (I think I was still drunk...because that's SO NOT LIKE ME...) got let down.
So, that's the story.
Only now, I see him ALL THE TIME.  I mean, I'd never MET this guy before, and now I see him all the time (go figure).

Local Rebel
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since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
32 posted 2000-09-28 10:16 AM


Well AngelShell -- when you peel that orange you have to go through some bitter pulp, get messy and sticky, and be prepared to deal with the pits....

but the sweet stuff is worth it?  que no?

and we always have to consider that there are six billion people on this planet... and I assume you are looking for only -- ONE?  so.. no point wasting more time on a dead end road -- the time you invested was time well spent -- any more time is just sunk -- so -- look in the mirror -- remind yourself that you are not for everybody -- (and more important that everyone is not for you) and find self esteem in the fact that you were willing to lay it on the line and risk the courage of your convictions.... good practice for the next time...  and you can take good notes about who you want to invest in in the future...  

White Wolf
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since 1999-09-18
Posts 371
Somewhere in the vast wasteland
33 posted 2000-09-29 12:33 PM


I do believe I would let her know.  A single white rose with a peom proclaiming what I feel and see what happens from there.

The White Wolf


Would the bunny like this nice carrot? I don't bite. Much. :)

AngelShell
Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...
34 posted 2000-09-29 01:51 AM


I was re-reading some of the things you guys said and I suddenly realized that there are all these totally different worlds out there concerning relationships and it all comes down to ONE THING...age.

I mean, (and I am in NO WAY calling ANY of you old...) but what generation am I talking to here?
I fall into the 13 - 18 category and I understand what a lot of you are saying...that you have to have a friendship going first...but these days, with the younger generation, that's not what really happens.  And that stems from the fear of being alone.  I know people who would rather go out with some one they didn't like as opposed to being alone.  It's a sad thought that someone would be willing to sacrafice something so special (themselves) and go out with someone they didn't like.
And even though I would like a friendship DURING the relationship, I don't believe it is necessary to have a friendship before a relationship.  In fact, many friendships have been torn because the relationship didn't work out...I mean, at least if you got to know a person by dating them...when things were over, at least you wouldn't be thinking "I wish we'd never started going out, at least then we'd still be friends".
But, I think I have strayed a little from the point *little voice pops up "she does that often"*
Hmmm, yes, well.............

Erin
Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527
~Chicago~
35 posted 2000-09-29 01:52 AM


When it comes to sharing my feelings I bottle up so I wouldnt do it. For some reason I get all embarassed with showing my feelings if I like someone.
Local Rebel
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since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
36 posted 2000-09-29 10:25 AM


Well AngelShell....

We're all -- to you -- OLD!  lol  and none of us were ever teenagers  

there's nothing wrong with dating someone to get acquainted -- that's why you date them -- to become friends -- find out if there's anything to build on -- I'd reccomend it without the alcohol though -- especially at your age --

and nobody WANTS to be alone -- but everyone really has to learn how to be alone -- and be a completely self contained person -- before they are going to be able to engage in a serious relationship

but -- again -- at your age -- serious relationships are not really what the goal should be -- time to be young and have fun -- stick your nose in the flowers -- and prepare to be stung if there's a bee... yanno..

you'll make it fine...  

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
37 posted 2000-09-29 11:05 AM


Oh Gawd I've been labeled old! LOL

LOL @you LR!  Angel I agree with him!
Right now to date is fine, and we tend to 'like' someone because we think they're cute!     But this is infactuation.

Drinking can make you do things you wouldn't normally do, and I really agree with LR there. I've been through that cycle and it don't go anywhere good.

As you get older your thinking will change in what you see and want from a relationship.
To stick with someone because you don't want to be alone is not a good idea. That might be the idea now, but if they don't treat you right, and you don't like them, what good are you really getting from it?

I also agree with LR on the point that we need to be self confident, self supporting, and when we are ok with ourselves, we'll be more confident in who we choose, and the reasons we choose those people.

In all reality to be sure of what you want, when that don't fit in with the crowd, can get you shunned, but it will also earn respect for the person you are.  

You did have enough courage, though maybe it was the alcohol, to say you liked this person. That's great! If they didn't accept you, I know that hurts, but wouldn't you rather have known now than later? You will find someone who is right for you!!  


melroseg
Junior Member
since 2000-09-29
Posts 16

38 posted 2000-09-29 03:55 PM


Definately tell the person.  The worst thing that could happen is a little rejection.  the best thing is you may have found your soul mate, or a great friend.  Later on you may find out that the person felt the same towards you.  Regret is for a lifetime, embarassment is only until your face turns back to its normal color.  
                
                 Melissa

Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669
Michigan, US
39 posted 2000-09-29 04:42 PM


AngelShell, I'm not sure age has a great deal to do with it. I know a LOT of very old people who would rather be miserable with the wrong person than be alone. In my more cynical moments, I sometimes think they comprise the majority of this world. Conversely, I know a few younger people, in your age group or only slightly older, who recognize they deserve the best life has to offer and refuse to settle for less. Age, I think, is less important than a strong sense of self-worth. If you like yourself, being alone isn't such a terrible burden. And it's far better than being with someone you don't like.

As for "dating" friends, which you touched upon and WhtDove mentioned earlier, I think it largely depends on your definition of friend. If you really mean acquaintance, someone you simply know and perhaps hang with, then yea, a romantic path can destroy what previously existed. But that's because you didn't really know them very well before you started dating. As you came to know them better, you discovered you didn't really like them. The same exact thing would have happened had your friendship developed more deeply, even without the romance.

I will concede that not all good friends - and I mean people you know well and love in spite of their faults - will ultimately be romantically compatible. But I think those kind of people usually know that, because they already know each other so well. I suspect that's the situation WhtDove alluded to when she suggested one could become too close to a friend for it to become more; it wasn't so much knowing the person too well as it was knowing them well enough to recognize the incompatibilities. And even when they make a mistake and cross the friendship line into more dangerous territory, their common respect and deep understanding will allow them to save the friendship.

Here's the real question that I think is the crux of the matter.

Other than the obvious physical relationship, is there anything you require from a good romantic partner that isn't just as important in a close friendship? Or to phrase it slightly different, and setting aside the physical aspects, what is the difference to YOU between a partner and a friend?

Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA
40 posted 2000-09-29 06:48 PM



This has turned out to be a great discussion, I will visit to read more replies

Rebecca, if you asked this question a few years ago, maybe even a 1 year ago, my answer would have been a firm no - I would not say anything to the object of my affection out of fear of rejection, and I am very shy.  I am also very old-fashioned and was raised to believe that the man must ask.  However, because I held back my feelings I lost someone who I truly cared for and I live with regret everyday for not speaking up, and I know for a fact now that he would have been with me because his feelings were the same, as a result of this life experience, my answer is now yes, I am blunt and assertive now yet still respectful in doing so.  I am a changed person forever now because of losing him.

My solemn advice to anyone, please don't allow shyness or fear of rejection stop you from following your heart and losing that "perfect" lover or friend.  Take a chance, life is way too short.  Follow your gut instinct - God put it there for a reason, there have been many studies that conclude that women do this best and usually what your gut instinct tells you is true.  Never doubt yourself even if the end result is bad, at least you can stand tall and never wonder about the if onlys and could have beens

Take care,
Melissa Honeybee

< !signature-->

The beauty of poetry gives my soul wings to fly free within dreams






[This message has been edited by Melissa Honeybee (edited 09-29-2000).]

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
41 posted 2000-09-30 09:00 AM


Ron you're right! Age really doesn't have much to do with it. There are young people who realize this earlier than older people.

And some have to be older, and have that experience before they also realize!

AngelShell, self worth is really VERY important! You have to be ok with yourself first. If you are, it shall help steer you away from a lot of mistakes later!

Melissa I appreciate you sharing that! It is hard to live with regret. I also am shy. (couldn't tell could ya) LOL  
Over the years have become more assertive, but certain things I don't say. I still find it hard to tell someone when I'm upset with them. Or why they made me mad, unless it's my husband of course. (poor guy)

I was raised in that era too that it's not appropriate for a women to ask a man out, or to make the first move. That's a hard thing to change.  

But all in all I agree with you, I think it should be said no matter what the outcome, for it's better to be hurt and get over it, then to live with regret the rest of your life.  

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