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Passions in Poetry

AHHHH!!! Nervous breakdown happening!!!

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SorrowsMystress
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since 04-01-2000
Posts 179
I'm a wanderer, a nomad...I do


0 posted 10-06-2000 02:30 AM       View Profile for SorrowsMystress   Email SorrowsMystress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SorrowsMystress

Ok.  I know pregnancy is supposed to be the best thing to happen to a woman and all... but it's really freaking me out. I have 3 more months to go (christmas day to be exact) and I'm nervous! I'm highly anticipating the birth of my child, but then what?!  I don't know what kind of mother I'm going to be... and that's what worries me the most. The father is not around, and I will have to do this on my own. No parents to help, no friends... nothing. I'm 20 years old for petes sake. How the hell am I supposed to know what to do with a baby?!  And I understand that women do this by themselves all the time, but I think it would be difficult for me- someone with extreme manic depression, an 11th grade education, no work experience except for stripping and waitressing (which out here only pays $2.20 an hour plus tips, if you're lucky enough to make any), no previous experience with children... nothing. I'm starting from scratch and am STILL so very unprepared. I have no money saved up (all the money I DO get goes towards fines, probation officers, rent for wherever I'm able to actually stay, and food) and I have no clothes, cribs... nothing! And what if something is medically wrong with her? What if she's not healthy, and will require medical attention for the rest of her life? How will I ever afford that?  Sure, it's rewarding when the baby kicks and moves, and when I hear her heartbeat... and I know that I'm going to love her no matter what... and that the kisses and hugs and unconditional love (at least until she becomes a teenager) will make it all worth it. But what am I supposed to do until then?!  I'm sorry, I know I'm ranting and raving, and I should be greatful, but I'm so scared, and I don't have a CLUE as to what to do... some advice would be greatly welcomed. Thank you...

"It was my love that did us both to death. " -Sylvia Plath



[This message has been edited by SorrowsMystress (edited 10-06-2000).]
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


1 posted 10-06-2000 07:05 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Hey you, first off, Hugs...and do your breathing...you are making ME nervous...and you sweet, sweet, thing, first of all make sure you get the financial help you need.  You waddle your butt over to your local welfare office and apply for assistance if you have not already.  They WILL find the father for you, and work towards getting you some child support.  There is the W.I.C. program, and I'm not sure where you are, I'm just assuming you're in the states...(I forget...WORLD wide web..duh)  But anyhow, I assume you are getting the prenatal care that is VITAL for your health and the baby's...you'd better be...now...all that done, listen to your doctor, lady...do you have a friend who can be a "birth partner" for you...it helps to have someone who cares with you--if not, forget it, you're tough.  And will you be a good mom?  You're ALREADY a Mom, I can tell because you are behaving exactly like every Mom I've ever seen.  and oh...just wait until you meet this little person---m'friend, you are in for the love affair of your life.  Magic happens when you hold that baby, and hearing that first cry?  Oh my, it's an miraculous sound...I'm about to cry myself, just thinking about it...I love babies, sigh...you e mail me...okay?  If you need to talk about ANYTHING...I LOVE BABIES...and hey...about being alone?  Don't sweat it.  My kids dad was there, but not "there" if ya know what I mean...most days I wished he WOULD go if only to get the hell out of my way.  AND HE WAS LAID OFF INTO MY FIFTH MONTH...AND THEN...NINE MONTHS AFTER THE BIRTH OF MY SON...OOPS I DID IT AGAIN!  I'll quit yelling now...but seriously?  You are in the "nesting" stage, and everything you feel is a natural part of that...Hugs to you, please do write me if you feel a need to talk...and hey, I'm gonna want "pics".  Love to you lady.  These things have a way of working out.  Now breathe with me, please.

Please, please, go for assistance.  Rumor has it that I pay taxes, and I would be so pleased to see you get help.  

[This message has been edited by serenity (edited 10-06-2000).]
Nan
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since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


2 posted 10-06-2000 07:20 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

First - In my opinion, you're wise to be scared at this point.  If you weren't, you wouldn't be about to become a good mother.  There's a lot more to having a child than the labor and delivery...

So - where to start?  Where ever you are - There are programs set up to help young mothers like yourself - lots of them... There are programs to help you cope with the stress - to help you learn the "how to's" of being a mother - to help you complete your education while dealing with motherhood - to help you with childcare - and even to help you financially.... Start looking into them now.  Once you've done that, you'll find that there's a whole network of people out there who are ready and willing to help you.

Check with your obstetrician, your pediatrician-to-be, your local human services agency, your local visiting nurse agencies - Any or all of them will lead you in the right direction.

See?? If you weren't panicking now, you'd have to start thinking about it in December.  Now's a good time.. Go for it - and God Bless you and that little one - You'll do just fine..  
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 10-06-2000 07:20 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

That's it.  I just read your home page, and I am adopting you.  We've so much in common, you have no idea...(I once saw B.B. King, AND Stevie Ray Vaughn TOGETHER...am typing with chills just remembering)  We share the same religion, and you even look like my sister.  and it's no good to argue with me, I'm not going away.  Now write me, dammit.
Christopher
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Purgatorial Incarceration


4 posted 10-06-2000 11:41 AM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

...No offense intended here, but I pay taxes too - way too many, and too much.

Have you considered looking into alternatives? ie: Adoption? From an outside point of view, I think that hearing your situation, that might be best. I know way too many young ladies with children who aren't able to care properly for that child.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying you'd make a bad mother, not at all. But caring only takes you so far in this world. Money is a big part of it too.

Just another viewpoint.

Chris
SorrowsMystress
Member
since 04-01-2000
Posts 179
I'm a wanderer, a nomad...I do


5 posted 10-06-2000 01:53 PM       View Profile for SorrowsMystress   Email SorrowsMystress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SorrowsMystress

Thank you everyone for the advise. As of now, I have applied for section 8 to get a place to live, but the waiting list is long... they said it could be up to a year before they find a place for me... I know I will make it, but it's just so much to think about... so overwhelming.  

Serenity- I have pics of the ultra sound scanned, but my stupid computer won't let me upload them to email or to my homepage *kicks stupid puter in the head*. But I know that I'll be taking lots of pictures, and I'll be sure that you get a few (as soon as I figure out how to do it)  And I can't believe you saw Stevie Ray AND BB! YOU"RE SOOOO LUCKY!  I am getting prenatal care (just started last month, but at least I'm doing it... had a doc appointment today, he said everything looked good... YAY!)  and I'm taking vitamins and whatnot... Still haven't applied for WIC, but eventually I'll find a ride to DHS and get on it.  Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

Christopher- I'm not offended by your advise. I would not have asked for it if I did not want it, whether it be something I wanted to hear or not. So I do appreciate your effort.  I have considered adoption. I actually went in for an abortion my 12th week, but they did an ultra sound, and I couldn't go through with it. Then the father (more like the donor) told me to put it up for adoption. I thought long and hard about it, and after many many nights of wondering what I should do, I decided against it. I do very much want this child, and although I know it will be difficult, I know I will make it.  I've been through worse tribulations, and survived... another 18+ years won't hurt.... Thankfully, I just found out that in this state, they have a program that will pay for your college education, so that I can get my GED and go get a higher education. (Drama teaching, here I come!).  But again, thank you for your advise, I really do appreciate it.


Thanks again to everyone.


"It was my love that did us both to death. " -Sylvia Plath

Christopher
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since 08-02-99
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6 posted 10-06-2000 02:50 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

OK - Again, hoping not to offend...

Look - I want to do something different in my life. I'm not happy in the job I have, yada yada... but know what? No one will pay for me to go to school, have a place to live and food to eat. I have to provide that for myself, at the same time I'm providing it for you and your child. I sincerely hope you do take that opportunity to do something with your life and help pay back the system so more can have that opportunity in the future. But on the flip side, there are far too many who take advantage of the system. "I" pay for them to have children, etc. I opted to wait on having children. One of the many reasons was because I wanted to make sure I could provide a good home for them, etc. Instead, thousands (maybe millions, I don't know) of people are out there having children, taxing our already overburdened checkbooks. It's hard to hear something like this and not be upset. My last paycheck,(well, basically all of them), I paid over 35% in taxes. I worked hard to get where I am, and no one gave me a home while I did it, no one fed me, no one paid for anything.

I'm sorry if this is sounding like a gripe, but that's it. That's how I feel. When my parents divorced, my mom -who had never worked a day in her life before- took care of two children, without government aid. (And child support checks were few and far between.) It can be done. I just get irked hearing about all the government (read "my" money) aid people will be going for... and then I think of what I have and what I work for... well...
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


7 posted 10-06-2000 02:55 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

y'know Chris, sometimes the system WORKS?
and I seem to recall "someone" telling me about government aid, when "they" found out I might be in a bind...and the alternative is to watch people suffer...my taxes too, and I say, she's welcome to it, they are going to take it anyway...I have more problems with $400 hammers included in government spending budgets than I do with feeding babies...and that's my humble opinion.
Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


8 posted 10-06-2000 04:29 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

S'en: That "someone" suggested financial aid to a mature woman, with existing children, who needs to get out of an abusive relationship. BIG difference.

Please don't misunderstand me... I'm not saying that it's always bad. I am saying that the largest majority of the people take advantage of it, and us.

My straight-out opinion: If you're not prepared (financially or emotionally) to have children - DON'T.

I can understand the desire to have a cute little baby, someone who will love you unconditionally, etc., etc. But if you have this child and aren't in a position to care for it, then you're hurting the child, yourself and the others you have to depend on. To me, that's just irresponsible and selfish.

*shrug*
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


9 posted 10-06-2000 04:54 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I respect your right to your opinion, chris...but let's not continue this debate here, it just doesn't feel right to me.  This was not a political post....I think it had something to do with having a nervous breakdown...I happen to know a little bit about having babies AND nervous breakdowns...
So hugs to Kimberlee, and I know you're going to be busy and all, but don't forget to VOTE!!! (SHRUG)
RainbowGirl
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since 07-31-99
Posts 3167
United Kingdom


10 posted 10-06-2000 05:43 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

Hi SM..  

I hear what you're saying, many, many, in fact TOO flipping many (LOL) years ago, I too was in a similar situation, only difference was I was just 17 and didn't have the debt...No one knows how to be a mum really, going by the book doesn't make you a good mum either....I remember that scared feeling too well....but I also remember holding my daughter in my arms for the first time and this huge space just developed in my heart and I thought, we'd just have to learn together, she was too young to know any different anyway..*g*

If it makes you feel any better, I screamed when her belly button broke off, I thought I'd broken it....even now, I'm smiling over the memory....you don't have anyone to ask and you feel so foolish most of the time but you learn as you go along....I even ironed my leg one day because I was so intent on watching her I forgot what I was doing..LOL

So far as practical help goes...I don't know what options you have in the states but I wish I had joined some sort of young mum's club because I would have felt less alone...so do that because many will share or feel some on your anxieties...and of course, you can always yell *help* on here...

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you're not alone, some have been in a similar position, some may well be in the future...and all experience helps a little, hope mine did....oh and one last thing, enjoy your son or daughter...  

HUGS

ps, just send me a mail if you want to scream, shout, cry, worry or laugh in a friendly ear...I don't say much these days but I do hover a little..  

[This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 10-06-2000).]
SorrowsMystress
Member
since 04-01-2000
Posts 179
I'm a wanderer, a nomad...I do


11 posted 10-07-2000 03:32 AM       View Profile for SorrowsMystress   Email SorrowsMystress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SorrowsMystress

Christopher-  I can understand your frustration, and do respect your opinion and everything. But you must understand that I DO work myself, and they will be MY tax dollars as well. I get upset when people USE the system for their own gain. Those who come to this country to have thier children, not to give thier kids a better life, but in order to collect checks and such just because they're child is American.  I have lived a rough life, my friend. I had no help when I was homeless and eating out of garbage cans (and no, I couldn't get a job at the time, since the legal working age is 16, and I was not quite yet that age. Plus, who would give someone a job who hasn't showered in so many days, or had nice clothes to wear to work?)  I had no help when I was abused and put in a hospital and had to leave before I should have because I had no insurance or no way to pay to stay there. I was not spoiled growing up, I am not spoiled now. I DO NOT plan on asking for government assistance for the rest of mine or my childs life.  And, I'm sorry, but I did take a little offense to the remark you made about an immature girl having a child because she thinks it's cute and cuddly and all (I have a heavy feeling that you were, in that case, refering to me)... First of all, you do not know my circumstances.... I don't want to have a child because I think it's a romanticized idea.. I know children are hard work. They cry, they poop, they demand a lot of time and attention, they hurt easily, they cost a lot of money, etc... I'm not glorifying having a child at this age one bit. I didn't want to concieve at this age, but I did. And, I'll have you know that I did not do it purposely (I used protection- EVEN THOUGH I've had a few different doctors tell me that I had a next to zero chance of ever concieving- and still, I tried to prevent it).  And I hope that YOU don't take offense to this... but I will not give up this child for adoption just because you don't like how the system works... The government spends most of your tax dollars on thier vacations and pay raises and lovely dining parties anyway.  I've worked hard the last couple of years myself. And I'm STILL working, and WILL work up until my due date probably (even though the doctors tell me I shouldn't, because I am going through a high risk pregnancy) I am still working on getting my life together.  And I'm sorry if you seem to think that every young female that is pregnant is just going to milk the system dry, but I'm afraid that's where you have me mistaken. I am actually willing to work, which is more than I can say for a lot of those you are so angry about.  P.S.  the only government assistance I am on right now is to pay for doctor visits. I'm not on welfare, and not planning on being on welfare. And section 8 doesn't PAY for housing, it just makes it a little easier to afford, AND the college thing is for those who are WORKING... not someone who sits around eating potato chips and watching soap operas all day while others pay for thier education that they are too lazy to use.  Just thought I'd let you know.


I'm sorry, I just had to get that off of my chest.  



"It was my love that did us both to death. " -Sylvia Plath

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


12 posted 10-07-2000 04:20 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Forgive him, because he knows not what he said...

I'm so sorry.  Last thing you needed was this.  My offer stands, tho sweetie.  

"and by the way, that there, what you just did up there?  Is only a modicum, of what you are now capable of...grin...and you will, I know you will, survive, and break the chain of poverty...Hugs."


[This message has been edited by serenity (edited 10-07-2000).]
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


13 posted 10-07-2000 12:45 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Chris if you wait until you can afford to have children, you'll never have them.

Now you two quit griping about all this. This wonderful Mom to be needs our help damn it! She needs our support, and if she's got the guts and the strength to take this on, despite the rough road that lies ahead, then let's give it to her ok????

Congrats first off! Check out the Health Dept. as well! They can offer well child care, shots...etc... They can also give you places to call. They should have a resource of places that can help you in your situation.  

If you know where the dad is, I suggest you get the child support you can from him.

Nurses from the hospital these days give you classes in the hospital, to show you how to bathe the baby and what not. Some of them even extend that curtesy into the home when you get out.

Most hospitals will NOT release a baby unless you HAVE a carseat.

There are churches, and food pantries, and in some places medical attention at no cost to you. (depending) There are clothes closets that help provide clothing. Check all this out, and don't get discouraged, you keep calling until you find somewhere that will help. It takes MUCH persistance!

If they offer to pay for your schooling, I would strongly suggest that you continue your education!!  And above all NO matter how rough things get, REMEMBER that it's NOT that baby's fault!

Reguardless what people tell you, I sat and cried after having mine. Saying where is this magical bond, this magic that's supposed to happen. It takes time! They are precious, and a gift from God. That bond takes time, and that will happen over the 3 am feedings for months.
All I'm saying is if it's not there, don't feel like a bad mom. You're stressed and your tired, but it will come.

It is so very different as you now carry that baby, when they get here in the flesh and blood, it all of a sudden becomes REAL.

You know what else? My sister's son just had another baby, and my Mother-in law had bumper pads and comforters for the crib. Now she gave me two of them. I haven't given them to my nephew, and you seem more in need than they do anyhow. If you would like to email me an address, I would be more than happy to package these and send them out to you.  They are in great condition, just like new.

We've held a baby shower right here before! Who says we can't do it again. Right????

SorrowsMystress
Member
since 04-01-2000
Posts 179
I'm a wanderer, a nomad...I do


14 posted 10-07-2000 03:52 PM       View Profile for SorrowsMystress   Email SorrowsMystress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SorrowsMystress

WhtDove- I highly, highly appreciate your advise, and will look into it as soon as possible.  You have no idea what this means to me. I will email you soon about the pads and stuff... but really, if your nephew needs them, I don't want to intervene.  You can just let me know... After I posted this, I have recieved 3 letters from the hospital and dhs... telling me of special programs to help learn how to take care of the baby (they even offer massage classes! SHEESH! who knew?!) I am going to contact my hmo to see if they offer transportation to these classes, as well as the labor classes (unfortunately, my ex husband got the car, so I don't have any way of driving there.)  Again, thank you so much... I had no idea of all that there is offered to those in my situation, and probably wouldn't have ever known without your help (or anyone elses on here as well... I'm not leaving you guys out  )  It's good to know that I have friends on here.  My baby and I thank you  

"It was my love that did us both to death. " -Sylvia Plath

SorrowsMystress
Member
since 04-01-2000
Posts 179
I'm a wanderer, a nomad...I do


15 posted 10-07-2000 03:56 PM       View Profile for SorrowsMystress   Email SorrowsMystress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SorrowsMystress

P.S.  Christopher- I'm sorry for sounding so moody in my reply... pregnancy is like having pms for 9 straight months, and things get to me easier than they would otherwise.  I should have been more respectful, and I apologize.  Friends?

"It was my love that did us both to death. " -Sylvia Plath

Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


16 posted 10-07-2000 09:17 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Actually - I was going to come on here and spend a rare apology myself. Not for what I said, but for the way I apparently miswrote it. I had no intention of what I said being taken personally. I prefaced the particular statement that seemed to upset you with a generalization in order to try and prevent it from being read as a personal attack.

Needless to say, now that you have become pregnant, some of the things (ie: "don't get pregnant") can't apply to you, LOL. It's not you as an individual that has me so upset, but rather the epdedimic proportion of young women who become pregnant too young; for the wrong reasons; too often; etc.

The men should be responsible as well. It takes two. But nature decrees that women are the ones to bear the children (something I personally have NO problem with... brrrr), therefore the final responsibility and choice lies with them.

If you truly did use protection and still got pregnant (which I'm not saying you didn't), then you are one of the very small percentage of women who truly have an accidental pregnancy. The major portion of "accidental" pregnancies come about from carelessness, lack of foresight, unconcern, or plain laziness - in a statement: not using birth control. Whatever reason this stems from, the outcome is far weightier than a few moments of passion are indicative of. The consequences are life-altering and don't go away. They also affect more than the mother and the baby. They affect the families, the friends, and yes, the taxpayers.

So the obvious solution is to not get pregnant in the first place until you're prepared. Despite what you said Rebecca, there is a time you can afford to have children. You may not have all the money you want, you may not be able to take those trips, etc., but there are plenty of people quite able to afford having children without being a drain on public funds. Though I don't think I'm in a position any other way to have a child right now (for example, I'm lacking someon to play the mother part...), financially, I am certainly in a position to do it without making YOU pay for it. And I've known many people who have done it. It's not a new thing.

Again, I apologize for the way I came off. I did not mean for it to seem like a personal attack - It wasn't. Contrary to what Serenity said, I do know what I'm saying. This is something I've given a lot of consideration to. My mother works for the county in the support division and we've discussed this ad nauseum. I've known far too many people who take advantage of the system and contribute to it's perpetuation. There's a solution somewhere. Whether it's through more intensive education, enforced birth control (yeah, like that would ever happen), or whatever, I don't know. But it is a problem.

Peace,

Chris
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


17 posted 10-08-2000 12:24 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Hon the stuff is yours ok!?
My nephew truly don't need them. I was going to drop them at my Mom's and for some strange reason, I forgot them when I went.

They were the only person I knew that had a baby. BUT, I truly believe I forgot those for a reason!! And now I know what that reason is. Someone else needs them more!  

So they're yours!  
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