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Passions in Poetry

Heard any good jokes lately?

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serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


0 posted 10-10-2000 11:38 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Funny girl needs a laugh today...
Poertree
Senior Member
since 11-05-1999
Posts 1413
UK


1 posted 10-10-2000 12:21 PM       View Profile for Poertree   Email Poertree   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poertree

am i not funny enough s ???  
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


2 posted 10-10-2000 12:23 PM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy


Please feel free to delete if the need be


BAG LADY
~~~~~~~~~
A lady ...
     in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The doctor told her of a new procedure called ...
..........."The Knob."
     This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head
and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect
of a brand new facelift forever.
Of coarse the woman wanted ...
..........."The Knob."
      Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon
with two problems.
    "All these years everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions
and I've loved the results."
    "But now I have developed two annoying problems.
First of all, I have these terrible bags under my eyes
and the knob won't get rid of them."

     The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."

She replied, "Oh! ... Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~ }>{{{{o> ~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


3 posted 10-10-2000 12:34 PM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy

I put my name in here because I can picture myself in this situation


Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named
Rex, who was visiting TEXAS:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges  (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.  Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster chili

JUDGE ONE:     A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:     Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

REX:    Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:     Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:     Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

REX:     Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:     Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:     A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

REX:     This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:     Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:     Hint of lime in the black beans.Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

REX:     I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:     Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:     Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

REX:     My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:     Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:     The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.

REX:     My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:     A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:     Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

REX:     You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:     A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO:     This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.


Poertree
Senior Member
since 11-05-1999
Posts 1413
UK


4 posted 10-10-2000 12:39 PM       View Profile for Poertree   Email Poertree   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poertree

Rex .......LOL

ok .. you lot over there never think British jokes are funny so i inserted Chris to spice it up a little...

Christoper from Passions, the archbishop of canterbury, and a boy scout were returning from the US after a top level conference.

they flew above the atlantic in a private jet flown by a top level pilot.  half way over - BANG an engine burst into flames.  

"don't panic" said the pilot over the intercom, "we can fly on one".  

however two minutes later - BANG, out goes the other engine.  

"we're gonna have to jump" says the pilot, "oh and btw there are only 3 parachutes, and i'm having one coz I'm a highly trained pilot who's irreplaceable" ...and out he jumps.

Next Christoper leaps to his feet - by this time the plane is sinking fast - "ok" he says, "I'm a fabulously talented poet and writer from that scintillating place called Passions, now come on, just think of the fan club that would miss me if i was to die, and anyway i am soooooo intelligent and brainy"....and so saying he grabs a chute and jumps.

The Archbishop looks at the little boy scout sadly.  "Well my child" he says"there's just one chute left, I've had a long and happy life and you are young - you must have the last chute".....

The boy scout looks up cheerfully at the old man, "No problemo your honour" he chuckles, "ole Christopher picked up my backpack!!!!"
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


5 posted 10-10-2000 12:46 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Thanks guys...didn't think it could be done...but the teeth are flashing over here!!!   Rex Allen, you're a treasure...and Philip, you had me laughing right from the point when you "inserted Christopher"!!!

Thanks again!!!
Poertree
Senior Member
since 11-05-1999
Posts 1413
UK


6 posted 10-10-2000 12:58 PM       View Profile for Poertree   Email Poertree   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poertree

Just teeth???  

Darn i am disappointed ....lol
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


7 posted 10-10-2000 01:27 PM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy

Glad to be of service, kind lady

and Philip
you had me laughing so hard at one point
more chili
slid from my mouth
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


8 posted 10-10-2000 01:33 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

PHIIP!!!

Ok Phiip, I admit yours was (grudgingly) funny, and perhaps closer to the truth than I like to think... ahem - but Rex, that chili thing almost gave me a heart attack!!! My mom's ex-boyfriend and I used to see who could handle the hottest chilis... lol - the reactions (and how I felt at the time) were very similar!!!
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


9 posted 10-10-2000 01:46 PM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy

Again feel free to delete

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


10 posted 10-10-2000 01:56 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

profusely?  In comparison to whom?  YIKES!!!
I'm outta here...LOL...at first I thought I was having a flashback!
JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


11 posted 10-10-2000 01:56 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

can't...  breathe.... *gasp*

laughing....

can't....  see....

*gasp*  

must... find...

Sally....




Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.
B. Russell


[This message has been edited by JP (edited 10-10-2000).]
Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


12 posted 10-10-2000 02:32 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Weird... Rex - I couldn't read what you posted... it's shaking really bad for some reason...
Irie
Senior Member
since 12-01-1999
Posts 1526
Washington State


13 posted 10-10-2000 04:51 PM       View Profile for Irie   Email Irie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irie

This won't make you laugh your butt off, but it's cute and some what true.
Made me grin anyway!

GETTING A HAIRCUT......
Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I
mean,  you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
that,  but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was  actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long  neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take  attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms see
how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit
me  so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
PhaerieChild
Senior Member
since 08-30-99
Posts 1829
Aloha, Oregon


14 posted 10-10-2000 05:36 PM       View Profile for PhaerieChild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PhaerieChild

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes her lamb to school
Between two chunks of bread.

Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream.

Shawna R. Holder
Boise, Idaho

doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


15 posted 10-10-2000 06:39 PM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their
party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of
security while screwing others.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


16 posted 10-10-2000 08:15 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Lovin' every minute of it, people!  I would contribute, but lord knows, I get in enough trouble!!!  (most of mine are dumb anyway) but thank you muchly for all the good cheer...and doreen, I will use that one on my brother...I've already used Paula Poundstone's line:  "What, are you against your OWN lifestyle?"  Much thanks.
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


17 posted 10-10-2000 11:57 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Groooooooooooooooan....

rotf
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


18 posted 10-11-2000 12:08 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

K--

I TOLD YA THEY WERE DUMB!!!  rofl...me too
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


19 posted 10-11-2000 12:59 AM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy

The Burglar Man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll sing you  a song of a burglar man
who started to rob a house
He peeped in a window
and then he crept
as quiet as a mouse
Then thinking of all the money he'd get
while under the bed he lay
At 9 o'clock
he saw a sight
that made his hair turn gray
~
At 9 o'clock
an old maid came in
and " I'm so tired " she said
And thinking that
everything was well
she forgot to look under the bed
She pulled out her teeth
her old false eye
and the hair off the top of her head
This burglar man
had 21 fits
as he sprang from under the bed
~
She did not holler
or screem at all
just stood as meek as a lamb
She said " Oh Lord
my prayer is answered
at last I've found me a man
I've hunted nigh 41 years or more
your the only chance I'll get
I'll buckel myself to you old boy
I've got you now
you bet "
~
Then from a drawer
a revolver she drew
and unto this burglar said
" Young man
if you don't marry me
I'll blow off the top of your head "
He looked at her teeth
and her old false eye
and he saw no place to scoot
He looked at the old maid standing there
and said " Woman
For God Sakes SHOOT "
~~~
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


20 posted 10-11-2000 01:12 AM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy

To my mind, Insurance salesmen
should go down in history
As the worlds most outstanding concept
Of the word PERSISTENCY

You can brow beat and abuse them
or keep silent as you can
But just like the Royal Mounted
They will always get their man

You can remonstrate and bluster
and shout "ABSOLUTELY NO
I have no idea of buying
And I think you'd better go"

Life may seem a peaceful haven
and the world a place of cheer
When the interview is finished
Your preparing for the beer

With his rate book and a pencil
he proceeds with fiendish glee
to break down your sales resistance
and dispell tranquility

He'll outfigure and confuse you
with statistics so complete
That your brain becomes a muddle
and your squawk becomes a bleat

Does it matter if you argue
that your loaded to the gills
That you've just become a father
and your fairly swamped with bills

He will prove to you on paper
of the grave mortality
Facing humans in particular
at the age of thirty three

Of the saving and protection
under plan four eighty two
Where by premiums discontune
at the age of ninety two

With the option at maturing
of selecting such and such
or we have a regular dandy
that won't cost you near as much

Take this fifty year endowment
there is one thats made for you
Why Good Heavens Just  Imagine
how you'd feel when that came due

Have you ever stopped to think about
your wife and child so dear
Would you want to leave them destitute
( you will pardon me this tear )

I'm really very doubtful
if they'll accept you at a risk
But we have to take these chances
Yes - Just sign here Mr. Fisk

Poertree
Senior Member
since 11-05-1999
Posts 1413
UK


21 posted 10-11-2000 06:51 AM       View Profile for Poertree   Email Poertree   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poertree

Rex's The Burglar Man puts me in mind of a funny true story about Winston Churchill ..

At a smart dinner one evening Churchill was in characteristic ebullient mood and one of the starchier ladies of advanced years turned to him after a particularly robust bit of repartee and in a rather shrill voice said ..

"MR Churchill if you were my husband I really think I might give you poison !!!!!"

Churchill turned and regarded her somewhat haughty and unattractive demeanour and replied ..

"My dear Madam if I were your husband I'd drink it !!!"

Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


22 posted 10-11-2000 09:54 AM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the
commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, "Thou shall not kill"
______________________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
as though he were ill,
and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in
my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 01-30-2000
Posts 2636
Sippin a Timmy's in London


23 posted 10-11-2000 09:57 AM       View Profile for Rex Allen McCoy   Email Rex Allen McCoy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rex Allen McCoy's Home Page   View IP for Rex Allen McCoy


When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even
when you're feeling miserable.

A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees.

But the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry ", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining,
but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get
back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


24 posted 10-11-2000 10:20 AM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Heh....ok, a lot of these were funny, but ya gotta keep it clean. Now, I realize a lot of jokes are sexually based or at least contain scads of innuendo, but we do have some young-uns traipsing down here on occasion. Thanks for understanding. And no, this ain't a call for censureship, only a small modicum of self-restraint.  

Alicat, the errant mod
 
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