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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland 
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*Shudder* I afear the responses already but have a posing question for MEN out there. Chris get the fingers exercised and ready I'm already HANGING for your response.. LOL Why do SOME men, note SOME, not ALL, hide their emotions?? When things get too heavy or too personal, emotionally they clam up or change the subject. Some have been quoted as saying 'This is dangerous turf I will not ALLOW myself to go there even briefly!' Why do they do this? Why cover up an integral part of their being???? Anyone with any answers for this confused little lady please respond. Isis < !signature--> *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp [This message has been edited by Isis (edited 10-27-2000).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Well, the last time I looked I was not a man but I would like to reply. I think men have been conditioned to 'buck up' 'take it like a man' 'only sissies cry'. It's only in the last few years (maybe 20) that men have felt they can show emotion. Give them time..we've had 2000 years of practice, they've come a long way, baby!  |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Sorry Lisa, wish I could help you... uhh - but keeping my mouth shut has never really been a strong suit of mine...  |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
I see that PDV but I'm not even talking about crying here. Just talking emotionally about things that move us deeply, they hurriedly shrug it off. We are all in are 30's so were raised a more openly anyways??????????????/ But thanks for responding........ Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Chris I'm let down now........ I expected absolute reams of responses from you. *sigh* talk about disappointing..... LOL I still want my answer though!!!!! Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Chris, and because of you never keeping your mouth shut is why I probably respected some ideas from you....... Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
OK Lisa - since you asked for it: First, it's not something simply relegated to men -- I'd rather ask the question why people hide their emotions, or "clam up" as the case may be. And I think the answer may be as complicated as people themselves are. Some may do it because they're afraid of what their feelings might mean, some might want to protect the other person. Some may not know how to express their feelings and others may simply not want to. The reasonings are going to be varied with situations as well. Some people don't respond to openness well, others may want more openness than the other can or wants to deal with. In reality Lisa, I just don't think there's a hard-set answer to this. Some may be "conditioned" to it as Sharon suggested, but I think for the most part, it just depends on teh person, their background, experiences and the person they're interacting with. Chris |
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Parker Member Elite
since 2000-01-06
Posts 3129ON |
Well, I'd like to respond to this. I'd say it might be because those feelings arn't true for some men. If they don't feel as strongly as they think their gal does, they'll probably want to avoid the whole discussion. Other possibilities... - they would feel weak in the eye's of their guy friends - they may feel it gives to much in, and be looked at as too easy a catch...etc. - men just don't hug like women hug, we are not brought up with that kind of teaching in showing our emotions. so some men find it hard. Really I don't know.... What's your opinion? Parker |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Well done Chris!! The one I have in mind just probably doesn't like opening up/ or was conditioned that way..Sorry to be a royal pain in the bum but Still enjoyed it  Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Haleyja as I said to Chris probably not comfortable talking so openly, their upbringing etc. But the funny thing is when they learn to be freer emotionally and speaking of it when needed ( not all the time of course ) they feel better for it. It is important. Perhaps with a new millenium well under way all mankind (man and woman) should be the best they can be and drop the old worlde way of thinking and acting when it comes to sharing emotions when needed. ????????? Is that a good answer? Hell, I don't know anymore.. LOL Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I was raised not to touch anyone. I was hugged maybe twice in my first 20 years. When I had kids, I hugged them all the time but I'm uncomfortable hugging anyone else. Thus, you will rarely see the 'hugs' in my posts. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
In addition to the factors listed above, there are still other reasons for 'clamming up' at emotional responses. It has much to do with the conditioning discussed by Sharon. Only, instead of environmental, this deals with interpersonal interactions. For example: woman is upset, man tried to show his emotional side, woman misinterprets and goes ballistic, man decides he should've kept his mouth shut. And the cycle repeats. There is an old saying: "A close mouth gathers no foot." Unfortunately, men are unrivaled at this exercise that usually only the most flexible are able to attain. But it's not all on the guys. There are many women with excellent memories for certain details, and will keep those filters of past male mistakes in place, screening anything said to see if it's an old blunder, or a new one. Allow me to flip this, as I personally know and have heard of many men who do this very same thing to women. The men are emotional, the women burned, and the guilt of not being emotionally open is heaped upon the female's shoulders. All of these cycles will continue to repeat, recycling the hurt and distrust until forgiveness is freely given and received, for once forgiven, and I mean truly forgiven, the past wrong, hurt, misinterpreted word/action/thought are all no longer remembered, in the context of being recalled for future conversational ammo. Then, and only then, can truly open conversation, including emotional, be expressed without fear of retaliation/retribution/misunderstanding. I realize this is idyllic, and not likely to come to pass in any of our lifetimes, but all changes, all movements begin with one life, which affects others. Alicat |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
I found this link which may answer some of your questions, Isis.  Another day to make men feel like clods. Alicat |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
PDV How sad to have had a childhood like that. Love, hugs and laughter abounded in mine. Mind you it started when I instigated it at a young age, and luckily my Mum realised that is what I needed. I swore with my own children it would be different and Dylan never wonders or lacks emotional comfort, he now says 'I love you Mummy' a couple of times a day for no reason and I treasure it every time. He knows there is nothing wrong with tears, i love you's, hugs and emotions in general. I hope time and male influence as he grows never kills that part of him!!! Alicat, you are a smarty pants with your little link LOL I can't seem to touch on it. The guy I used as an example never lacked hugs, feelings, love as a child. He is presently very close to his family still. But when our feelings get 'heavy' or whatever he clams up, saying emotions are bad, a sign of weakness. He has been programmed by other man throughout the formative years ie teenager and early working life I suppose. I realise I will probably never get the answer I am looking for, I don't KNOW what answer I am looking for. But I will finish this off by saying that all we females out there should do our utmost to teach our children, the importance of love, emotions, hugs, being demonstrative and all. I don't want to create a race of wimpy guys God forbid! But to allow them to feel and be in touch with these feelings not just ignore them and get drunk without really understanding why sort of thing. And for them to find a woman they can really talk to, be it as a friend, wife or lover, someone they can ease the emotional burden with. For locking up such strong emotions good or bad will only hurt them in the end. I enjoyed this discussion thanks everyone Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This problem isn't always confined to guys... you'll seldom find me talking about my emotions in real life. That's the way I was raised. "Don't talk about your problems, kid, I have problems of my own". I don't think that I'm the only one, either. This is one of the reasons that I write, it's a way of telling someone about my emotions. I also talk about things online that I wouldn't dream of saying in real life. This is probably the reason that some guys won't talk about their feelings, except this is more widespread, which is how guys got their reputation. There's my 2 cents. False gems may shine as brightly as the genuine article, but there are always those who can tell the difference. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Sadly, this phenomenon ISN'T confined to the male gender ... As far as expression of emotions goes, my parents were a study in extremes: my father was stoic, standoffish, and completely unemotional; my mother was wishy-washy to the point of instability. So where did that leave me? More like my father, thank heavens -- I am about as forthcoming emotionally as your average concrete block, at least in person. I have accumulated more defense mechanisms than dear Sigmund ever dreamed of, and have used them to varying degrees over the years in order to maintian a "safe" distance between myself and everyone, even those I care deeply about. Why? Well, the answer is obvious, at least to me: knowledge and proximity are power, and I do not relish the idea of empowering someone with regard to my emotional state. As a matter of fact, I am terrified of it. Does this mean I have no emotions, no feelings? Of course not -- if that were the case, I would have nothing to protect. On the contrary, I would have to say that my emotions are all the more powerful and extreme for being seldom expressed; in fact, when the little buggers DO manage to escape, I have a very difficult time keeping them under control. Sort of a Jekyll-and-Hyde deal, I guess ... very dysfunctional. I wouldn't recommend it ... (blinking) Oh, did I ramble? Hate it when that happens ... (murmuring to self)  Linda< !signature--> Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers. [This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 10-29-2000).] |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Thanks Love Bug and Linda I understand your points of course. I agree it is not just limited to the male gender women can be the same. I so believe in expression perhaps I'm biast or something. I only open up to three people in this world, LOL one of them is here in Passions. I certainly don't go sprouting off at the mouth about feelings how I feel particularly. I've learnt anyway, most aren't interested. What I mean is like when you are having an open discussion about any particular feelings, they probe want yours and when it is their turn, they don't discuss it!! The guy I have in mind that is. He is far from insensitive but locks up, and as we all know that can only hurt in the end. As I said earlier I am very fortunate to have had wonderful parents that encouraged self expression, hence my love of music, singing, and poetry, keeping journals, diaries etc. I just wish everyone the pleasure that I have, to be able to express themselves, well here in Passions we can. But those who cannot or do not want to write how do they do it? Do they just wait until it all builds up and get blind drunk without knowing why, not assessing and healing the problems???? It is a sad state of affairs for anyone that does not have the will or the power or the outlet to cleanse themselves, to share that burden once in a while. Thanks for responding Isis *I believe every time you put your words to paper, you change. Each feeling is set free, and you may follow.....* ~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Sp |
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