Sitting in Michael's Lap
I may be stating the obvious, here, but did any of the medical professionals that you've seen for this problem actually check you for the chemical imbalances that are known to be linked to clinical depression? Or did they just do a few free-association sessions at $200 an hour and then start throwing meds at you..?
Forgive me if I seem cynical, but I went through a "depression" diagnosis as a teen that very nearly had me hooked on prescription drugs for the rest of my life. As far as I am concerend, the most important thing in treating any sort of depression is trying to determine the cause rather than simly treating the symptoms.
In some cases, the culprit is almost purely physical -- your emotions and state of mind are largely controlled, or at least initiated, by your brain and/or body chemistry. If any of these chemicals are imbalanced in even the slightest bit, strange and potentially devastating things can happen to your psyche.
I have seen many instances of this, but one example comes to mind: when I worked on the surgery floor in a local hospital, there was a very pleasant gentleman whom I shall call "Bob" for the sake of his privacy. Bob came in for some relatively minor surgery; he was having some polyps removed from his colon that were causing him some problems.
The surgery went perfectly, and Bob was returned to my floor to recover. When he awoke, however, Bob became suddenly violent and paranoid, accusing several members of the nursing staff and some people who had come to visit the man in the next bed of conspiring against him, even going so far as trying to kill him. He refused to eat or drink anything, promptly taking anything that was brought to him for that purpose into the bathroom and dumping it in the toilet, then rinsing the container and begging me to "take it to the lab for analysis," presumably to find the 'poison' that he suspected it contained. Finally, he ripped all of the IV's from his arms and the bandages from his stitches, picked up his overnight bag and stormed out into the hall in nothing but his hospital gown (which, as most of you know, are rather 'breezy' in the back), declaring that he intended to leave this instant before we were successful in engineering his premature demise.
It turned out that Bob's electrolytes were severely unbalanced; his sodium levels were elevated about 10% in response to one of the medications they administered durning surgery, and that one little deviation caused him to act as though he had essentially lost his mind. When the problem was corrected, Bob quickly necame his old self again and even admitted remembering in perfect detail everything that had happened, claiming that his paranoid delusions had seemed to make perfect sense to him at the time despite the fact that he realized now that he had acted utterly ridiculous.
So what does this have to do with you? Basically, it comes down to this: if your chemistry is off, you are probably going to need drugs to fix it, but first, it must be determined that the problem is chemical in nature. This requires blood tests, urine tests, and the like -- don't let anyone tell you that they can definitively diagnose a chemical imbalance WITHOUT testing your chemistry (duh!)
If, however, your problem is not (testably) biological in nature, chances are that any drugs you take are only going to treat your symptoms, not the cause. At this point, YOU have to be the one to decide if your symptoms are such that you prefer whatever handicap your meds may cause to the handicap caused by your symptoms.
The best thing that you can do for yourself in this case, Kethry, is to be an educated patient. Don't just follow meekly along and assume the doc must be right just because he says so ... this is YOUR body and mind we're talking about here. Ask questions and demand answers. If one doc doesn't answer your questions to your satisfaction, get another.
Most importantly, just get help. Unfortunately, real depression doesn't just "go away" if you ignore it, hun. You don't have to do this alone.
Good luck and good health,