How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #2 Archive
 Dare
 1 2 3
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Dare

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Monk Frost I!
Member
since 06-15-2008
Posts 79


0 posted 03-12-2009 12:36 AM       View Profile for Monk Frost I!   Email Monk Frost I!   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Monk Frost I!

Opinions are for people
Whom seldom are aware
Weaned from the example
Are those who dare
Our world is simple
The chance to explore
                      Ont size="1" color="#000080">
© Copyright 2009 Terry Ridener - All Rights Reserved
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


1 posted 03-12-2009 07:14 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Opinions are for people
Who are seldom aware
Weaned from the example
Are those who dare

A possible amendment.

I wouldn’t mind seeing this expanded. There’s nothing wrong with short poems of course but if you could maintain the tightness over another two stanzas it would be three times as good.

Just an opinion

.
ramisf
Member
since 05-17-2007
Posts 93


2 posted 04-07-2009 05:40 AM       View Profile for ramisf   Email ramisf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ramisf

each has his own viewpoint that might be constructive or destructive but it depends on how we deliver our opinion and how we can convice the person the opinion is delivered to
Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


3 posted 04-08-2009 02:02 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K


Opinions are for people
Whom seldom are aware
Weaned from the example
Are those who dare
Our world is simple
The chance to explore

Dear Monk Frost,

                     An interesting attempt here.  It is, however, unclear what you're going after.  I happen to be one of those guys who feel Okay about half-rhymes for end rhymes; I think it's a pretty well-accepted modern practice, but I'm in a minority here, from what I've seen.

     I'm more concerned about the actual difficulty in deciphering the prose sense of the text.  I believe it should be "who" rather than "whom" in this context.  The lack of punctuation here works as a problem rather than as an asset, since the line break, for example, at the end of line two, could function as a grammatical switching point as well.  If you had found a way to continue or play off the ambiguity, you might have been able to add another layer of depth to the poem.  Instead, you've only confused things somewhat, and haven't resolved any of the syntax and meaning issues.

     If you're interested in seeing how some of the unpunctuated verse can work well, you might try looking at some of  W.S. Merwin's middle work, such as The Lice or The Carrier of Ladders, where he works well with some of these constraints, and might offer you some examples to reject or consider or play with, as best suits you.

     You use in interesting verse structure, but if you're going to start out with three foot lines and end up with two foot lines, you might consider coming back to end on a three foot line for some metrical symmetry.  In verse this short and tight, things need, in my experience, to be absolutely clear, and you've got to put more work into that.  I believe.  The inversion in the last line is a bit jarring.  You will see examples of such inversions in modern verse, occasionally in Auden, for example, but people tend to want to keep their syntax conversational.  Not doing so makes the reader look for some special delight in the line to justify the liberty, and there isn't one here.

Sincerely, Bob Kaven
Monk Frost I! will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #2 >> Dare Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors