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Monk Frost I! Member
since 2008-06-15
Posts 80 |
Opinions are for people Whom seldom are aware Weaned from the example Are those who dare Our world is simple The chance to explore Ont size="1" color="#000080"> |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Opinions are for people Who are seldom aware Weaned from the example Are those who dare A possible amendment. I wouldn’t mind seeing this expanded. There’s nothing wrong with short poems of course but if you could maintain the tightness over another two stanzas it would be three times as good. Just an opinion . |
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ramisf Member
since 2007-05-17
Posts 93 |
each has his own viewpoint that might be constructive or destructive but it depends on how we deliver our opinion and how we can convice the person the opinion is delivered to |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Opinions are for people Whom seldom are aware Weaned from the example Are those who dare Our world is simple The chance to explore Dear Monk Frost, An interesting attempt here. It is, however, unclear what you're going after. I happen to be one of those guys who feel Okay about half-rhymes for end rhymes; I think it's a pretty well-accepted modern practice, but I'm in a minority here, from what I've seen. I'm more concerned about the actual difficulty in deciphering the prose sense of the text. I believe it should be "who" rather than "whom" in this context. The lack of punctuation here works as a problem rather than as an asset, since the line break, for example, at the end of line two, could function as a grammatical switching point as well. If you had found a way to continue or play off the ambiguity, you might have been able to add another layer of depth to the poem. Instead, you've only confused things somewhat, and haven't resolved any of the syntax and meaning issues. If you're interested in seeing how some of the unpunctuated verse can work well, you might try looking at some of W.S. Merwin's middle work, such as The Lice or The Carrier of Ladders, where he works well with some of these constraints, and might offer you some examples to reject or consider or play with, as best suits you. You use in interesting verse structure, but if you're going to start out with three foot lines and end up with two foot lines, you might consider coming back to end on a three foot line for some metrical symmetry. In verse this short and tight, things need, in my experience, to be absolutely clear, and you've got to put more work into that. I believe. The inversion in the last line is a bit jarring. You will see examples of such inversions in modern verse, occasionally in Auden, for example, but people tend to want to keep their syntax conversational. Not doing so makes the reader look for some special delight in the line to justify the liberty, and there isn't one here. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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