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Passions in Poetry

Orbit

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eminor_angel
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since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


0 posted 03-10-2009 07:44 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for eminor_angel

We watch the night sky
You and I together

My rib, the crescent moon

You gaze above you

My fingers, as falling stars

You gaze above you

My hair, a comet's tail

We watch the night sky
You and I in silence

You lift me up into orbit

We watch the night sky
You and I in our room

You lift me up into orbit

(Watch me fall)

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turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 03-10-2009 08:08 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi eminor_angel,

As I read this I pictured two people "outside" under the stars.  To find the setting indoors at the end of the read
sort of spoils this for me because all that I'd pictured changed. I would rather picture them out of doors, but what
would you think about putting S9 first. Like:

We watch the night sky
(together) in our room

My rib, the crescent moon

You gaze above you

My fingers, (are) falling stars

You gaze above you

My hair, a comet's tail

We watch the night sky
You and I in silence

You lift me up into orbit

((Now) watch me fall)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a suggestion, take, or leave.

turtle
eminor_angel
Member
since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


2 posted 03-11-2009 05:03 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eminor_angel

After posting, I revised "my fingers, as falling stars" to "my fingers, a constellation"
 
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