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Passions in Poetry

Self Titled King

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impact
Junior Member
since 03-07-2009
Posts 27


0 posted 03-09-2009 01:52 PM       View Profile for impact   Email impact   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for impact


Only sin can bring you here
Take a look at your empire of gold
Try to yell at your reflection
Try to cry towards your reflection
You're seeing the cause and the effect

Once you've placed yourself on a pedestal
You'll be the only one to fall from the top
People are willing to catch you, help you
Now you are at their disposal
Remember how you disposed them?

Remember how you made your mother cry
Remember how you left your friends alone
Remember how you laughed as your father tried
Remember your deception that is still unknown

A self titled king
How dare you place yourself
If you're claiming to be of an accepting breed
Once again pride has poisoned you
Now you're crying for help
For this you shall burn, you shall bleed


© Copyright 2009 impact - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 03-09-2009 06:08 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi impact,

Welcome to CA. I thought this was a powerful poem when I read it, but also troubled.

There are a couple things here that confuse me. In S1L2, this "empire of gold". Do you mean "gold' literally or metaphorically?

In S1 L3&L4 it looks like you are repeating the same thought and I don't think that is what you intend here. Do you mean:

"Try to yell at your reflection
The cry that echos your reflection"

I think S2L4 would be clearer (At least to me) if you changed it to something like:

"Remember you disposed of them?"

This would also fix the meter for this line. Speaking of meter, are you aware of, or do you understand meter?

S3, is an anaphora and you use it well here, but it sets a precedence in meter in the poem that is not present in the other stanzas.
There are also only 4 lines in this stanza while the rest are 5-6  lines. The only other thing that may need attention, I see in this
stanza is S3L3, "as" should be "when". "Remember" is asking the reader to look at what happen in the past, so "when" would be past
tense and "as" is present tense.

S4 L1&L2 is (To me) a little confused. I think the thought is inverted and this makes the sentence appear as an incomplete thought:

"A self titled king
How dare you place yourself"

Would it make more sense to say?

"How dare you place yourself
As master and self titled king"

S4L3 could be trimmed down a bit to closer match the rhythm of the rest of the poem like:

"If you claim to be an accepting breed" (meter is off though)

In S4 L5&L6 I'm not sure you mean what this says?

"Now you're crying for help
For this you shall burn, you shall bleed"

To me, this says you shall burn and bleed for asking for help. Is that what you mean? Or, do you mean
You will burn and bleed for the "pride" you mention in S4L4? To clear this up you might say:

"Though now you cry for help,
Once again pride has poisoned you.
For this you shall burn, you shall bleed."

Hey impact - These are just intended as suggestions to merely bring your attention to where this poem might be improved.
If there's anything here that you feel helps....You're welcome to it.

turtle  
impact
Junior Member
since 03-07-2009
Posts 27


2 posted 03-09-2009 06:41 PM       View Profile for impact   Email impact   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for impact

Thank you for all the suggestions turtle! I'm definitely going to play around with them once I have the time to just sit and edit.

I don't really know about meter, I think I will read about it in the workshop area =^..^+
eminor_angel
Member
since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


3 posted 03-12-2009 09:54 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eminor_angel

This is a rather general comment, but this poem really seems like a rant. It's important to write poems with personal meaning, but they also have to draw the reader in. However, I really like your first line, and your grammar is excellent! (Something that's often lacking, even in this forum.) Hope to see more of your work.
 
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