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Passions in Poetry

Clouds of Why

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pontyjim
Junior Member
since 03-06-2009
[First Post] 40
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 03-06-2009 08:13 PM       View Profile for pontyjim   Email pontyjim   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit pontyjim's Home Page   View IP for pontyjim


It was only by chance that my overflowing, toiling mind

Created soft suspicions of you: thick with perplexities.

This riddle of fictionódiverted into facts

Guided by subtle antagonisms,

Resigns me to spend my whole day

consigned to clouds of why.

© Copyright 2009 James White - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 03-07-2009 02:20 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi pontyjim,

Welcome to PIP

You are clearly an experienced and articulate writer. Lets look at this poem.
I like the title The first sentence is well written........I might think
about "by chance". In my mind "suspicions" are not usually breed by chance.
Not sure about "toiling" Isn't that a definition of physical work and not mental?
In L2 hmmmm. "soft"? You're "overflowing", "toiling" and that creates "soft suspicions"?
Are you using "soft" to mean "vague"?  In L3 "diverted"  are these suispisions "diverted into facts"
or "congered into facts". L4, 5, &6 are clear and articulate to my mind and read sensibly.

All in all (to me) this is a good poem and some minor consideration of a couple of word choices
might, even make this better.

Turtle  
pontyjim
Junior Member
since 03-06-2009
Posts 40
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 03-07-2009 07:18 AM       View Profile for pontyjim   Email pontyjim   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit pontyjim's Home Page   View IP for pontyjim

Thank you for the response Turtle. I will admit to getting carried away by imagery every now and then, sometimes I let it obscure my actual intent, sometimes I catch it, and sometimes it takes an outside read to find the things that I have missed and point them out. Good points, well taken, and I thank you for reading my words.
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 02-08-2003
Posts 21103
Eternity


3 posted 03-07-2009 08:58 AM       View Profile for Margherita   Email Margherita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Margherita

I think this first entry of yours is simply perfect.
I only value a poem by the emotions, visions, tunes it conjures up. And in this one these effects are there. I am not a critic and I don't have the skills of a critic, I just trust my perceptions.

Welcome again!

Love,
Margherita
pontyjim
Junior Member
since 03-06-2009
Posts 40
Ontario, Canada


4 posted 03-07-2009 09:21 AM       View Profile for pontyjim   Email pontyjim   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit pontyjim's Home Page   View IP for pontyjim

you are kind, dear Margherita
RC Langill
Member
since 03-09-2008
Posts 93


5 posted 03-08-2009 03:17 PM       View Profile for RC Langill   Email RC Langill   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RC Langill's Home Page   View IP for RC Langill

I like "Clouds of Why". It's an intriguing title that also works well as a theme and closing.

The loose pace and structure of your lines fit the subject. They strengthen the whole impression of dealing with things that are visible, definitely there, but still vague and impossible to tackle.

I feel that "fiction--diverted into facts" in not only has a nice ring to it, it's also accurate. When we turn something over to the part of our minds that projects "what next?", "what else?", that part does not distinguish that it is only conjecture.

On the other hand, "Resigns me" sets my internal grammarian to jangling.  Resign basically means leave. If "This riddle of fiction" has resigned you, it means the riddle has departed, and no longer inhabits your thoughts. What you've written says the opposite. I see how pairing Resigns with consigned helps close the last two lines. For me, though, it doesn't overcome the objection from my irritated grammarian. Have you considered switching the order: Consigns, then resigned? Or you might want to try substituting binds, assigns, confines, or something similar. These changes might require some adjustments to the last two lines, but I don't believe it would be major surgery.

As I said, I like "Clouds of Why". I hope my suggestions provide you an idea for making it a bit better.
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