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Passions in Poetry

Improbable End - Elegy

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Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


0 posted 03-06-2009 05:24 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Grinch

"O deepest wound of all that he should die
On that darkest day. Oh, he could hide
The tears out of his eyes, too proud to cry.

Until I die he will not leave my side."

My lantern of lightning through the dark days,
The spark of my laughter in a foolís nook.

But long shall I miss him and his proud ways,
Lord of the fireside, with the windy look
Of an old storm in the summering love,

Gone to his father now. This father's son
Rises at the cock-crow, while dawn above
The sash tolls his death and hails death to come.

------------------------

The start of this is here and belongs to someone else:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/elegy-2/
© Copyright 2009 Grinch - All Rights Reserved
pontyjim
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since 03-06-2009
Posts 40
Ontario, Canada


1 posted 03-06-2009 06:44 PM       View Profile for pontyjim   Email pontyjim   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit pontyjim's Home Page   View IP for pontyjim

Hi Grinch. I am new here, thank you for sharing your words.
Wow. You catch a very cool rhythm early in this poem. I think lines such as ďThe spark of my laughter in a foolís nook.Ē  Along with phrases such as ďold storm in the summering loveĒ
really just let the reader (one who is paying attention at least) experience your words. I read ďold storm in the summering loveĒ, and it conjures up instantly, an onrush of my own associations
with it. Immediately, I feel more in-tune or in touch with you and your poem.  I really like this. Well done.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


2 posted 03-07-2009 01:47 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Grinch,

Like Dylan Thomas, you are a powerful writer. The first thing I noticed was that "side" and "nooK" in this Terza Rima had no rhyme, but As I read Dylan Thomas' "Elegy" it doesn't carry the rhyme either so I guess that is why he calls it an "Elegy" and not a Terza Rima.. I actually like this better that Thomas' poem. The only thing here I would consider might be the last line. I think by "sash" you mean threshhold. I associate "sash" with windows more than doorways. May be just me though.

turtle
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


3 posted 03-07-2009 02:40 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

pontyjim

quote:
it conjures up instantly, an onrush of my own associations


That means I must have done something right, I donít do it very often but itís useful to know when I do - thanks for taking the time to let me know.

Turtle,

Thanks for reading and replying.

The rhyme problem is probably an accent thing:

Side - hide
Nook - look

In English-English these rhyme.

The poem should also be a consistent scheme:

A,B,A
B,C,D
C,D,E
F,E,F

Again it may be a difference in accent thatís throwing you off.

Sash?

I think that it has to be sash but I'm willing to be swayed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sash_window

http://www.clipartguide.com/_pages/0512-0711-1515-3523.html

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=masonic+sash&meta=

  
moonbeam
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since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


4 posted 03-07-2009 03:00 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

You did it!  After all this time
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


5 posted 03-07-2009 03:13 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


I try 3 or 4 times every year Moon - this is just the latest attempt and will end up in the same waste paper basket as itĎs predecessors.

Iíve calculated that at this rate I might get it right in 200 years or so, if I keep at it.

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


6 posted 03-07-2009 03:39 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hey Grinch,

I don't think there is any set structure for an Elegy. What I meant was, Dylan Thomas was losely using the Terza Rima form as the structure for his poem. That is not what I see here, my understanding is the Terza Rima has a rhyme scheme of aba, bcb, cdc, ded, etc. This poem is aba, bcd, cde, fef. This may well be a poetic form I'm not aware of. I googled it and found it was a arithmitic rhythm used mainly in music. Sooo new one on me.

"This father's son Rises at the cock-crow, while dawn above The sash tolls his death and hails death to come."

When I look at this sentence I see what you mean, or think I do....Maybe not.

To me a sash is something to look through (window) this really sets no presidence for change and the dawn you are speaking of here suggests a change, a new view through this window, but is the intent of this sentence the view itself, or the change in view? The presidence of the new view set by His death?

Ahhh~ I see. if you changed "while" in S4L2 to "new" and changed the punctuation, this would work for me. Like this:

"This father's son Rises at the cock-crow. New dawn, above The sash, tolls his death and hails death to come."

Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


7 posted 03-07-2009 04:10 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

quote:
To me a sash is something to look through


So if I were to say:

ďThe priest wore a sash.Ē

Youíd think he was wearing a window?



If you read it as a window itís a window, if someone else interprets it as a priests sash itís a priests sash or a Masonic sash or any other sash they like.

quote:
I googled it and found it was a arithmitic rhythm used mainly in music


You should have asked, I have a theory.

Dylan Thomas both embraced and baulked at the constrictions of form, he used their structure but hated the repetitive sing-song nature that they sometimes produced - so he camouflaged them.

Three lines per stanza gives you this:

A,B,A
B,C,D
C,D,E
F,E,F

Four lines per stanza gives you this:

A,B,A,B
C,D,C,D
E,F,E,F

A much more recognisable scheme?

  

[This message has been edited by Grinch (03-07-2009 05:53 PM).]

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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8 posted 03-07-2009 04:14 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hahahaha

Yes a much more recognizable form.

I didn't even see that...lol

A window sash I see, a priest sash I do not.

  
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


9 posted 03-07-2009 04:33 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

quote:
A window sash I see, a priest sash I do not.


Turtle,

Youíll be telling me next that this isnít a reference to Jesus:

This father's son rises at the cock-crow

You missed the rhyme scheme - could it be you missed the meaning too?

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


10 posted 03-07-2009 05:50 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

lol

No, I think I get it.

Let me try to be clearer in why I do not see the priest's sash.

"This father's son Rises at the cock-crow, while dawn above The sash tolls his death and hails death to come."

What does "rising at the cock-crow" and "dawn" symbolize? A new day, a new birth. Here, I take it to mean the start of a new understanding, a new faith, a new religion. Indeed, in the quotation you use here, this poem speaks to that day. In my mind that sets this write in that time or near that time. Christianity was a religion long before there where any priests and sashs in their dress came much later than that. So in my mind that sets this poem in a time before there where priests or sashs worn by priests. A window sash is somethinh to look through, a view so to speak. A view of a new dawn suggests the new beginning that (I think) this poem is speaking to.

So, window sash I see priest's sash I do not. BTW - I did understand your use in post 7, and if you'd said "I'm using it as a double intendre" that would make perfect sense.

  
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


11 posted 03-07-2009 06:11 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Maybe the priest giving his father the last rites was wearing a sash.

Or his father clung to the Masonic order symbolised by the sash
Or the sash is the window through which the dawn broke
Or a scaffold or framework (cross) - sash is, after all,  from the French ch‚ssis
Or itís a ribbon, a cummerbund, a bandage..

Itís a multiple-entendre.

Itís whatever you want it to be.

 
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