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Passions in Poetry

I saw her

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olijay
Junior Member
since 03-01-2009
Posts 13
San Francisco!


0 posted 03-01-2009 08:28 PM       View Profile for olijay   Email olijay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for olijay

I know that I already posted this in general but I was looking for some advice/critiques, any suggestions greatly appreciated!


I drove by
Her.
The most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
It was like someone slipped 3D glass over my eyes.
I could see her
x-ray beauty.
dyed black Barbie doll hair.
Barbie doll skin
But
Without the suntan.

her eyes,
were like the earth, and the moon
and other
big round things.

Her butt
I imagine it was made of goose down
I wanted to be that goose

I wanted to park the car.
And say “hey”.
“im oliver”.
or something to that extent
maybe pepper in some
“your most beautiful girl ive ever seen”’s
in there too

I only had a nanosecond of passing
her
To fantasize
Of choking her
With my affection
Until my love dripped from the corner of
her lips

she was surrounded by her followers
like plants trying to grow their way out of the shade
on top of each other
for that last bit of sunlight
all worshipping her like mayans on the temple
and the sun god
pining for
her
I wanted to be one of them
And
pine for her

Did you see her too?

[This message has been edited by olijay (03-01-2009 09:21 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 olijay - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 03-02-2009 01:26 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Sorry sisko,

But I didn't see her I'm afraid. Sisko, how many people do you think get broken
hearted and write a poem about lost love?

Or better yet, how many people get broken hearted and don't write a poem about
lost love. The number is probably less.

In order to write something that is better than ALLLLLL those poems written over
hundreds....thousands of years, holds your effort up against alot of great and
unmatchable poetry. It is better to ponder and describe a milk carton than lost
love.

You clearly need help here, I don't know if I can help. I would suggest reading
everything you can find on the web about writing poetry and try reading some
poetry.

I don't know your age, or background in writing, but it looks like you're just getting
started. If you're a teen or there about, you might think of posting in the teen
forum. If not, you could try a poetry workshop. Once you get a little better
understanding of poetry, I'd be glad to help you.

Turtle


/please read and comment on someone else's poem. either here or in another
forum. I know that many people feel too unqualified to comment, and you are not
required to comment, but the less experienced reader's input is important to the
writer as well. Doing this also helps you learn about poetry......and it makes me
happy...heh.

olijay
Junior Member
since 03-01-2009
Posts 13
San Francisco!


2 posted 03-02-2009 01:44 AM       View Profile for olijay   Email olijay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for olijay

thanks for the honost advice, and yes i am new at this.
its funny that its true that writing a poem about a milk carton would be more original then writing a love song type, theres something i dont know, ironic about that.

but at the same time writing about lost loves or things of that nature, i think people will always do it, no matter how many times its been done. it is a highly relatable subject

although i actually didnt write this about any lost love, it was more meant to be a kind of joke, i drove by this girl and just liked the way she looked and had a little splitsecond fantasy about her, you gave good advice though i should stick to the more general forums until ive got my feet grounded with what I'm doing.

I thank you for your input, another thing i got from your input is that my poem obviously didn't succeed in conveying the message that it was meant to be a parody or a statement on the lunacy of human fantasy. its hard to realize that people cant read your mind and know what you wrote the poem for/about, thats why its helpful to have others read it.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 03-02-2009 02:09 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi sisko

Yeah the ending (conclusion) usually expresses the meaning and purpose of the poem

So:

wanted to be one of them
And
pine for her


Wanted to pine for her says lost love to me.

While your here in CA you might want to read this thread.
You could pick up a few pointers here.

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002449.html

  
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


4 posted 03-02-2009 07:54 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Olijay, welcome , I didn’t see your poem as a lost love, if I had, I would have read it backwards and got my love back or at least the pickup truck.

I saw the poem as you  trying humor, it didn’t work for me, but ...

I won’t  recommend any books or workshops , just keep on writing that will make me happy.

Btw, the best workshop I have seen is one street South.

Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


5 posted 03-06-2009 05:43 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


I kinda liked this but
the line
breaks threw me in
places

.
eminor_angel
Member
since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


6 posted 03-10-2009 11:56 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eminor_angel

"her eyes,
were like the earth, and the moon
and other
big round things."

This line really struck me as funny but true, because sometimes when one is trying to describe something it just doesn't come out as brilliant. I liked that you captured that.

There are some incongruities in this poem. For example, 3D glasses and x-rays aren't the same thing of course - it makes the reader stop and think, which isn't good.
SkaaDee
Member
since 04-07-2008
Posts 115
Canada


7 posted 03-11-2009 01:45 PM       View Profile for SkaaDee   Email SkaaDee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit SkaaDee's Home Page   View IP for SkaaDee

I would say, start
with the strongest part...


she was surrounded by followers
like plants trying to grow their way out of the shade,
one on top of the other, for that last
bit of sunlight, all in worship,
like mayans with temples
like sun gods
like gods
pining
..and work from there
moonbeam
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Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


8 posted 03-11-2009 04:44 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

This is the best thing that's been around these dismal and desperate parts lately (apart from the shade of the drunk Welsh bard of course   ), which I guess isn't saying much, but is meant as a compliment.

Far from being your standard luvey duvey poem this I thought had wit (which worked for me), originality, and a certain playfulness arising from the irreverent approach to writing.  The jury is out however on whether your handling of the unoriginality in such a manner as to make it original can be repeated or bettered in subsequent poems.  Grinch however has highlighted one bit of experimentation that goes too far imo: the line breaks move from being a mere distraction to being a severe impediment to enjoyment.  I can see this as a kind of stream of consciousness unpunctuated exhalation, but the choppy lines ruin it.  It might even be better arranged as a single blocked paragraph.

In any event, please stick around.
 
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