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Passions in Poetry

As Long As We Get There

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synthetic
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since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


0 posted 02-26-2009 12:45 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

This something borrowed something blue,
Will bring me down in front of you;
I'm promising to take you back,
To something to look forward to.

Starting, we contemplated ends,
Street corners where our knees would bend;
Praying to have our sins away,
By Heaven's showers angels send.

This back and forth is then and now,
It'll add up in the end somehow.
Tomorrow today, all the same

A masterpiece if we're the frame.
I mean, things do get out of hand;
Here's the bottom line, what stands out most is a success not planned.
© Copyright 2009 luc - All Rights Reserved
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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1 posted 02-26-2009 01:19 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi syn,

Tis' something borrowed, something blue,
This bended knee in front of you
And if you beckon, I'll come back
to trusting like we used to do.


Hmmm, bit of a nursery rhyme isn't it?

I think this needs to be a bit more clever, especially the end rhymes.

Synthetic? I'm new around these parts. How long have you been posting here?

chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


2 posted 02-26-2009 09:31 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Turtle, as Mr. Obama said, you canít imagine how much this means to me ( Mr. Obama was talking about his daughters )

Look at the upper left hand Conner of any post and you can find out how long someone has been posting here .

Did we forget to welcome you on 1-23-09 ? ( This is a metaphor )
turtle
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3 posted 02-26-2009 05:17 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle



WOW chops thanks.

Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Did we forget to welcome you on 1-23-09 ?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not a metaphor.


chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
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4 posted 02-26-2009 05:53 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

You are welcome

Turtle, it is a metaphor.

ď Some people think of metaphors as nothing more than the sweet stuff of songs and poems--Love is a jewel, or a rose, or a butterfly. But in fact all of us speak and write and think in metaphors every day. They can't be avoided: metaphors are built right into our language.Ē

turtle
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5 posted 02-26-2009 07:03 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hey chops,

I like the quote, but I think you are slightly confusing what is a metaphor.

For example "turtle" could be a metaphor for who I am, only if I mean
it to represent something in my personal character, or situation.

How is "(Did we forget to welcome you on 1-23-09 ?)"  a metaphor?

This might be an insinuation, but not nessarily a metaphor?

chopsticks
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6 posted 02-26-2009 07:49 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Turtle if you take it out of context : the parts of a DISCOURSE that surround a word or PASSAGE and can throw light on its meaning , it is not a metaphor, but WOW, in the contexts of my post it was a metaphor. But, if you donít think its a metaphor, itís not a metaphor.

You ask that old question, ~what time does the two oíclock train leave.~  and I was having a little fun with it.

What time does the two oíclock train leave, is a metaphor for how long have you been posting here .


turtle
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7 posted 02-26-2009 08:31 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Ahhhhh!

Yes of course, and you are correct, but.....

If I know how to figure out how long someone has been posting here.....

I was asking as an insinuation and not as a metaphor.

chopsticks
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8 posted 02-26-2009 08:57 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

" I was asking as an insinuation "

And, that is perfectly legitimate and at the time I didnít  know that I didnít know, and last week I didnít even know that.
synthetic
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since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
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9 posted 02-27-2009 02:45 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Hey Turtle,

That stanza that you put down, were you looking to improve or clarify what I had originally written because I'm lost as to what your intention is. As for the nursery rhyme aspect, I don't believe it to be relevant to what I have written. But to be fair, what did you mean by "nursery rhyme" - the structure, the wording, the message, all of it, etc? Because I might be missing the boat completely.

Oh and by the way, you both seem amused with your friendly metaphor feud... quite fun to read.
turtle
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10 posted 02-27-2009 05:02 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle


Hi  syn,

Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That stanza that you put down, were you looking to improve or clarify what I
had originally written
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I was trying to clarify it in my mind just to make sure I was seeing its potential/intention. and the rhythm seemed familar....

But to be truely honest I just don't see anything working here. I don't know how much time you spent on this poem......not much I hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do I write?

I've been lately thinking of writing a poem about a poet wanna-be. Thinking of a clever way to tell the story and in my musings. I thought about a poet that
went through life as always a would be poet.

So I've desided to use a Wood Bee as a metaphor for a poet wanna-be and write a poem telling the story of a Wood Bee. In that story I'll relate the characteristics in the story, of a Wood Bee to a wanna-be poet.

The first thing I'll want to do is read everything I can find out about a wanna-be. Its use, its definition its origins, and look for how these characterisics of a wanna-be are understood,

Next I'll want to find out anything I can about a Wood Bee. What it looks like, its habitat, its behavior. I'll try to find ways to relate a story of a Wood Bee, to that of a wanna-be.

Now.  I'll take the information I gathered in my note pad and using that information, I'll set down and write a letter to chop's granny. In the letter I'll tell her the story of this Wood Bee.

Once I have that letter organized and clarified. I'll break it down into double spaced complete thoughts.........

At this point I am ready to start thinking about writing a poem.

How do you write?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chops - syn is right. lets do our talking here:
http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002434.html


    
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
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11 posted 02-27-2009 08:37 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Turtle, Milton Berle did one along that line :

"I would rather be a 'could be' if I cannot be an 'are',
because a 'could be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star.
I would rather be a 'has been' than a 'might have been' by far,
for a 'might have been' has never been,
but a 'has' was once an 'are'!"


I found a version.

Tell my granny about the wood bee and sheíll tell you about when the bee ask the butterfly for a date :

The butterfly told the bee, no can do ,Iím the daughter of a monarch and youíre just a son of a bee .

Well, I guess my work is finished here .


synthetic
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since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


12 posted 02-27-2009 01:01 PM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Hey Turtle,

Let me explain the first stanza because you've completely missed my intention for it; also important to say is that the couple written about is experiencing really rough times, starting off on the wrong foot, failed plans, etc.

This something borrowed something blue, (I'm using that reference to symbolize the couple's union)
Will bring me down in front of you; (in this line, i'm saying that the union will tear him down right in front of her... but i do recognize the allusion to a proposal, so i play on that in the following line)
I'm promising to take you back, (mistake in choice of wording, i should have used 'bring' as opposed to 'take')
To something to look forward to (so he was promising to bring her back to a place where things were good and seemed as though they'd get better)

As for nothing working out, I would have to disagree with that particular statement - Now that we've aired out the nursery rhyme aspect a bit, at least I hope you've shed the light onto the meaning you had attached to those words in regards to my sonnet, I can now share my own. I had a few things in mind going into the writing of this piece: 8 syllable lines; the story I envisioned; and finally my desire to keep it simple. Now the eight syllable lines work wonders for keeping it "simple", because the rhythmic flow of the sonnet comes across much like a nursery rhyme's would. And although love is made to be something quite complicated, I wanted to state that it's the contrary; hence the nursery rhyme feel and my final line: "Here's the bottom line, what stands out most is a success not planned" - to say just go along with the flow of things, and enjoy yourself.

I must say that your feedback is nice to read, I only wish there was more from various others so I could compare. I mean it's one of those "one person has a problem, that's their opinion... a bunch of people have a problem, then there's actually a problem". I think I'm going to share your feedback with my other writer friends and see if they find great value in it.

As for the way you write - very interesting. It's nice that you research your pieces, and present them as poetic essays if you will... it's something I might look to try down the road, definitely much different than what I do myself. Is it possible that we simply have a different eye for poetry? I mean putting aside the technical aspects that all poets are subject to.

Now as for how I write... I don't research it, I have a dictionary handy, no music... and if it takes me more than an hour, it doesn't get completed. I have an issue with poetry that's been beat down over the head with all the technical tools and that's been thought out for ions - I feel as though it isn't sincere, so I stay away from it. I write from an emotion, and the fact of the matter is, if too much times goes by, as does the emotion and inspiration for the poem.
turtle
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13 posted 02-27-2009 04:10 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

...............What sonnet?

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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14 posted 02-27-2009 04:16 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Here's an example of an aubade I wrote:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Must I go?  (Aubade)

Far rooster beckons graying dawn,
But I could lay
And linger earthly thoughts upon
your nymphic sway.
Your willful smile filled Irish eyes
That tempt me stay this morn's arise,
Has mingled with a sleepy yawn
At turn of day.

Your winsome moan begs my eclipse
from light's awake.
The tender brush of silken lips
Keeps my forsake
From duties that should not command
My venture from your slender hand
As playful little biting nips
Beg I partake.

'tween satin sheets of warm regard
your scents arouse,
The cherish of this love's bombard
These heartstrings house.
Though I should waken to my choirs
And find my pleasure out-of-doors,
My motives fall like false canard
to bosom vows.

turtle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is how I would approach your poem.


chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


15 posted 02-27-2009 04:25 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

I see one at the top of the page . It may not be about your Easter bonnet , but it is a sonnet.

Turtle, I hope you are not insinuation again, cause I donít think you should have it both ways.

But maybe you are nuts .

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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16 posted 02-27-2009 04:41 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Chops,




http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002434.html

synthetic
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since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


17 posted 02-28-2009 03:20 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Your question is out of place Turtle, this poem is a sonnet; 14 lines, the rhyme scheme isn't of Shakespearean or Italian origin... but modern sonnets have pushed the enveloppe and opened the doors to more diversity. You should read up on it.
synthetic
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since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


18 posted 02-28-2009 03:21 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Hey Chops, what did you think of my piece?
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


19 posted 02-28-2009 08:25 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ď Hey Chops, what did you think of my piece? ď

I donít like love sonnets and yours was awful.

Yes Grinch/Turtle I know, most sonnets are about love.  

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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20 posted 02-28-2009 04:24 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle


Oops

synthetic
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since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


21 posted 03-01-2009 05:56 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Chops... what didn't you like about the poem?
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
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22 posted 03-01-2009 08:40 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Synthetic, youíre still speaking to us ? Let me kill three birds with this tired pecking finger :

I love characters , if it wasnít for characters, there would be no Chopsticks. ( Btw, heís a real person )

About the screen name, how did you get it ? It seems that you are putting yourself down, but I thought~ Dumb Hill Billy~ was my middle name until I was nineteen  and I wondered why my parents named me that.

Now for the hard one, I guess I just donít like a love sonnet :

The first stanza is a little kinky .

The second stanza  is a little kinky . (Doing things on the street corner )

I kind of liked the third stanza .

My idea for the last stanza :

A masterpiece piece if weíre the frame.
I mean things do get out of hand,      ( I guess you are talking about the street corner thingy )
Even when success is planned            ( I hope I gave this line eight syllables )

One good thing about all of this is, I learned how to spell  ~sinthetic ~

Now, go read a book .

 
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