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untitled

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illuminated truth
Junior Member
since 02-16-2009
Posts 21


0 posted 02-25-2009 01:16 AM       View Profile for illuminated truth   Email illuminated truth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit illuminated truth's Home Page   View IP for illuminated truth

Any opinions or suggestions, or anything that you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm always looking to improve. I just wrote this in about 10 minutes and wanted to know how is it. May add more..

How many stars do I have to wish upon?
Do I have to toss all of my pennies into a fountain?
Must I swim to the depths of the deepest ocean?
Or should I reach the peak of the highest mountain?
When someone asks what I'll do to be with you..
I'll gladly say all of the above.
Because baby there isn't nothing that could keep me..
from trying to get some of your love.
If you happen to see dandelions flying in the wind,
you don't even have to guess.
Honey I have it bad for you,
and to the world I would confess.
You're wonderful, magnificent,
and utterly divine.
I will continue to dream, wish, and hope,
that someday you'll be mine.
© Copyright 2009 illuminated truth - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


1 posted 02-25-2009 10:44 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

“ I just wrote this in about 10 minutes “

Truth, I can believe that. It’s packed full of clichés. I’ll admit, a couple are inverted clichés.

You do know what a cliché is ?

Anyhow, you’re off the boat so welcome ashore. Maybe Turtle or somebody will come along and explain it to you. I wish I was smart enough to help you.

They let me hang around to serve as a bad example, but I know things are getting tough everywhere and I’m looking.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


2 posted 02-25-2009 11:50 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Things are generally better accepted if you try to do the work yourself first before just dumping a 10 minute thing in here for someone else to correct for you.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 02-25-2009 06:10 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi truth,

I think your skills in grammar and clarity are exceptional for your age.

I even went and read another of your poems and I am impressed.

You have a skill in written comunication that is far beyond the average
of your age.

Of course chops, and not a poet are correct and I suggest you post this
in the teen forum. Once you feel it represents your best effort, then
post it here in CA.

As far as this poem, the structure needs to be more consistent, Too many questions together
in the beginning of the poem.

turtle

PS, There are many poets on these blogs that you could teach a thing or two
about grammar.
illuminated truth
Junior Member
since 02-16-2009
Posts 21


4 posted 02-25-2009 08:50 PM       View Profile for illuminated truth   Email illuminated truth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit illuminated truth's Home Page   View IP for illuminated truth

Ok, thanks to you all.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


5 posted 02-25-2009 09:59 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

“ I think your skills in grammar and clarity are exceptional for your age.”

Turtle, how do you know Truth’s age ? Now don’t pull a Clint Eastwood and say “ I just

know things “


.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


6 posted 02-25-2009 10:15 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

I don't.

As a matter of fact I question it.
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