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Passions in Poetry

Carnivalesque Arabesque

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Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


0 posted 02-24-2009 11:43 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marc-Andre


In verboten Srebrenica schnauzers noshed on rotten pizza,
In schlock shops the zaftig yenta found refuge to kvetch and schmooze;
Ragamuffins, dykes, and golems argued over works of Sholem
And the case of Irene Bolam, keeping warm with swigs of booze;
Gonifs, schnorrers clad in schmatte schlepped the steppes and yelled abuse:
                                                                        It was there he found his muse.

In the grotto, gargoyles, gorgons, offered him use of their organs
As they spat tobacco juice and slurred some songs of Mother Goose;
Schmaltzy Carrie, gaunt and hairy, belched and reeked of bloody mary,
Munching on a dingleberry blurting she would not refuse
For a sum of sixty kuna gory use, abuse, misuse;
                         On her face she begged he ooze.

Mavens fat as big beluga, kvelling of all thatís meshuga,
Boasted she had labia that hanged down like St-Bernard flews
That would give him haimish pleasure, schadenfreude at his leisure,
Like an oyster she held treasure, pure as pearls from Belarus;
Machers filled with chutzpah nudged the nebbish, the mensh to seduce
                                                                 And ensnare him in her noose.

They hung portraits of Umberto, borborygmi in concerto,
Smorgasbord of kosher schmutz, a feast of pancreatic juice,
On the stage they danced burlesquely in the hall they groped grotesquely,
And all went so Disneyesquely, poltergeists were on the loose:
And thus ends the sore megillah of his life as a recluse:
                                              Married in kaput caboose.
© Copyright 2009 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-24-2009 06:45 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Mark,

lol....Mark you've got a great imagination and what I could understand in this poem I
liked. I think, if you were to  put this in the form of a letter and fixed the clarity it could
be better:

"In (silence) Srebrenica schnauzers noshed on rotten pizza, In schlock shops the zaftig yenta found refuge to kvetch and schmooze; (The) Ragamuffins, dykes, and golems (argue) (the) works of Sholem And the case of Irene Bolam, keeping warm with swigs of booze; Gonifs schnorrers, clad in schmatte, schlepped the steppes and yelled abuse (and this is where) he found his muse.,"

"verboten"
is an adjective, meaning excluded from use or mention

To use the word correctly You could say "The verboten Srebrenica", but by going on to mention the
"Srebrenica schnauzers",  that "verboten" says is unmentioned, sort of confuses the meaning for me.

"keeping warm with swigs of booze"

I think this may be a dangler. What the poem says is that "Irene Bolam (is), keeping warm with swigs of booze"

But I think you mean:
"(Ragamuffins, dykes, and golems)" [are] "(keeping warm with swigs of booze)"

One way to say this correctly woud be:

"While keeping warm with swigs of booze ragamuffins, dykes, and golems (argue)"

"clad in schmatte,"
This should be a parenthetical set

Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


2 posted 02-24-2009 08:55 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Turtle, thanks for the thorough feedback. Obviously, this is a first draught that will benefit from revisions. I was basic playing with words of Yiddish (and German) origin [they are all in the English dictionary, by the way] for sound effects. The theme that found its way in comes from a cut-up I made the previous day.

Though I would be the last to say that this piece is perfect, I think that the structure is fairly well-achieved and worth preserving. Who knows, I might change my mind after a revision or two (it sometimes happen) but I want to work more on it in its current form first.

In the first stanza, if we see that line 3 enjambs into the fourth, I think it becomes clear about who is swigging booze,and no, it's not Irene Bolam. I know what "verboten" means (otherwise, I would not have included it...,)but I think it will be clearer if I insert a comma after Srebrenica.

There is a lot that needs correction in there, and this why I've posted it here. I'll sure come back to your comments when I revise.

Thanks again,

Mark
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 02-24-2009 09:12 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Quote:.
"I was basic playing with words of Yiddish (and German) origin [they are all in the English dictionary, by the way"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes and I even looked some of them up.....lol

I also like the way you are using the terminology to build your storyline. That is a large part of what
makes this poem work for the reader.

Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the first stanza, if we see that line 3 enjambs into the fourth, I think it becomes clear about who is swigging booze,and no, it's not Irene Bolam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nope. .....lol

It's a dangler Mark

turtle
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


4 posted 02-24-2009 09:23 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Turtle,

Well, I'll ponder over that one...Once more, my heartfelt thanks for reading and for the invaluable feedback. I will definitely revise this piece, and your comments will be most helpful.

Mark
 
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