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Lies

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Monk Frost I!
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since 06-15-2008
Posts 79


0 posted 02-23-2009 12:32 AM       View Profile for Monk Frost I!   Email Monk Frost I!   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Monk Frost I!

Nothing will change until we realize
We are the body that lies

© Copyright 2009 Terry Ridener - All Rights Reserved
Essorant
Member Elite
since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


1 posted 02-23-2009 01:34 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

A little work on meter and syllables may make it flow much better:


Nothing will change until we see
The body lying here is we.  


pontyjim
Junior Member
since 03-06-2009
Posts 40
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 03-06-2009 06:57 PM       View Profile for pontyjim   Email pontyjim   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit pontyjim's Home Page   View IP for pontyjim

I agree, it just has a slight rythmic stumble. Other than that, quite clever.
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