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Another Dollar

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Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


0 posted 02-21-2009 06:31 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Grinch

Night crawled and the curlew called,
a melancholy whistle in the wind,
which chilled both bone and the path home
that bore me to tomorrow through the gate.

Dawn broke and the fields awoke,
merged ogres into hawthorns touching sky.
The linnet turned as his world stirred
his urge to preen and call out to a mate.

Crows cawed as foxes pawed
and weasel-like the stoats were warren bound.
Grey geese grazed as the new sun blazed
as heaven turned to hell that wouldnít wait.

© Copyright 2009 Grinch - All Rights Reserved
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-21-2009 07:57 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Grinch,

I like the surreal feel to this and how you use your metaphor. I'm having a couple of problems with the
context (I think)

In the first sentence:

Night crawled and the curlew called, a melancholy whistle in the wind,which chilled both bone and the path home that bore me to tomorrow through the gate.

I see a parethetical set "a melancholy whistle in the wind" this is not working for me. I should be able to
remove this set from the sentence and the sentence should make perfect sense, without further punctuation, and I cannot.

Night crawled and the curlew called which chilled both bone and the path home that bore me to tomorrow through the gate.

This would require I put a comma after "called" in order for it to make sense.
Also a parenthetical set should be an adjectival phrase that further defines the call.

For instance:

[Night crawled and the curlew's melancholy call, like a wistle in the wind, chilled both bone and the path home. I was borne to tomorrow through the gate.]

Then:

Dawn broke and the fields awoke, merged ogres into hawthorns touching sky. The linnet turned as his world stirred his urge to preen and call out to a mate.

Perhaps "merging" instead of "merged"?

Also:

The linnet turned as his world stirred his urge to preen and call out to a mate

Perhaps "and" instead of "an"?

Next:

Crows cawed as foxes pawed and weasel-like the stoats were warren bound. Grey geese grazed as the new sun blazed as heaven turned to hell that wouldnít wait.

This is a little clumsy. Hmmm...

Perhaps:

[As crows cawed, foxes pawed and the weasel-like  stoats were warren bound]

Also, if you removed the "as" after "grazed" and put a comma, it would be clearer.

There's great imagery here Grinch, I like this.

Turtle    
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


2 posted 02-22-2009 11:47 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Grinch.,

I like your poem, I may have a lot more to learn, but I didnít see a metaphor, with the possible exception of the last line and to me that wasnít a metaphor.

I did have to look up a few words, but other than that it was just ď Another day another dollarĒ

I am not assigning anyone the assignment  , but if someone points out a metaphor for me that means something that Grinch didnít say in plan English, Iíll learn something.

Not to rush take as much time as needed .

Iím not fond of metaphor and I think they should be used sparingly and then only when they work.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 02-22-2009 01:08 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Bad! Bad metaphor! down boy!.....lol

Hey chops,

How to identify a metaphor when it's being used:

Lets look at the first strophe. Why is the curlews call melancoly (sad)?

A curlew's call is a quick "Cur--Lew" not really melancoly to me. Nor is it a whistle.

The last 2 lines of this strophe are a riddle

which chilled both bone and the path home
that bore me to tomorrow through the gate.


"bore me to tomorrow through the gate."? Can you literally get to tomorrow by going through a gate?

Or does he use "gate" to mean somethig else?

This is clearly a metaphor:

chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


4 posted 02-22-2009 03:53 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks


Thanks Turtle,

If you are saying substituting  ~ melancholy~ for ~Sad~ is a metaphor, then I use them all
The time.

I thought Grinch used melancholy to make the cut on his syllable count .

Back to the drawing board.

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


5 posted 02-22-2009 04:33 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Yeah, Kinda chops.

I'm saying the definition of melancoly is "sad"
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


6 posted 02-22-2009 04:44 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


quote:
I thought Grinch used melancholy to make the cut on his syllable count .


There are a few reasons I used that particular word but the syllable count wasnít one of them. It might be easier to understand if you listen to the recording I found while writing it.
http://www.birdlife.org/news/news/2008/12/sbc_launch.html

It sounded like a melancholy whistle to me.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


7 posted 02-22-2009 05:32 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Grinch, it sounded melancholy to me . It sure didnít sound like a happy bird , it sounded very nervous

and annoyed . Exactly like I am when I am  melancholy , I could slap a preacher.

If you had used ~ Sad ~, your count would have been way off.

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


8 posted 02-22-2009 06:32 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hmmm...

That is different than the one I listened to

Yeah. that does sound melancoly.
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


9 posted 02-22-2009 06:42 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Turtle, I bet the one you listen to was taking Prozac.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


10 posted 02-22-2009 06:52 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

No......lol

He's probably not eating his veggies.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


11 posted 02-22-2009 08:35 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ď Grinch, it sounded melancholy to me ď

I must confess and I will do some kind of penitence, but I have no idea what a melancholy bird sounds like .

All I know is around here we plant corn when we hear the first whippoorwill.


 
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