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My first Blank verse (never thought I'd write one)

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freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
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0 posted 02-20-2009 02:14 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy


So this is the blank verse Moonbeam assigned me. At first I was a little hesitant, but I decided to do it because, I knew it would benefit me. I'm not a fan of blank verse, so I had to force myself to write in the beginning, but I hope that doesn't show. It took me, what felt like forever. I think I did okay on the meter, but I'm sure there are mistakes. Thank you for reading this (horrible) blank verse.


The moments you are breathing, Hun, are hard,
You swallow cries for help, but don’t, my dear,
For facing death, without your clutch, is daft,
Mistakes, of senseless fools, who juggle stones,
With heavy boulders, falling on themselves.

The pain, the blisters on your tongue, have kept
You silent; nights that must be held for screams,  
Though only quiet whispers flow about,
Have tears that live within, your soul; my love,
No need to worry, peace will come, I hope.
I hold you tight from grief, the loss I know
Was tough, and now you face a grave;
A body lay there, with the soul misplaced
In hell, as you have gone astray, yourself.
Though weakness promised failure, I will wash
Away the stings beyond your mouth, so you
Can once again, have laughter spilling out
Your lips and tongue, which danced before the aches.

What babble do you speak, confusing me?
Now tell me all you say, my love, you’ve what!
You’ve fallen, bleeding sinful lust. For who?
So tell me, darling, please, are you a fox?
So sly and cunning, why would you, my love,
Do such a thing, a horrid lie, my sweet?
Though sweets that rot your teeth, not sweets of fruit.

The vines cascaded down my face had hid
This awful sight of crime, insulting love
And oaths, that bind us close together; you
And me as one, yet hammered; forced apart
By doings, wrong, and evil, like a snake,
A foolish one, but wait, I look at me,
A fool, myself.  Could I not see this pain?
This was not grieving, only throbs of guilt.

The help I gave, I held you, arms around
Yours; I had loved you, cared, adored you, why?
That now I know, I feel almost as sick
As wanting death myself, to yearn for this,
An ending? Still the weeping song my heart
Has strummed, has told me admiration lives,
For you? This truly can’t be; lies! It’s all
Deception pouring into love, but no!
What love? Corruption has no cup; it spills
Beyond a single place, it covers all.
It’s everywhere; you know this truth, at least.

I breathe, but nothing seems to calm me down.
To think a love, could float above our faults
Is doubtful through my eyes, but must I meet
The anguish of my resentment, to which
I hold? Will hate be scars to which I blame
You? Take your black and feeble heart, and leave.
For I forgive you. Go! If not, I’ll cry,
‘Cause every moment lustful guilt is laid
Upon your face, it shows, that I, have failed.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

© Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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1 posted 02-20-2009 03:22 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Well you stuck at it Christine - and I assure you that a couple of days is not "forever"!  Many of my poems lie in a drawer for years before being "finished".

You lost the pentameter here:

"Was tough, and now you face a grave;"

and here:

"The anguish of my resentment, to which"

you stretched the promotion of normally unstressed syllables beyond their tolerances.

You were trying for:

the ANG guish OF my RE sent MENT to WHICH

but what actually came out was probably this:

the ANG guish of my re SENT ment to WHICH

But in 50 lines that's pretty darned good.  Moreover, after the first few lines I thought you were going to write a poem with every line effectively end stopped.  But pretty soon you were enjambing all over the place, and some of the phraseology and syntax got quite complex in parts perhaps a bit too convoluted!  But hey, that's not what the exercise was about, and as far as demonstrating ability to handle IP is concerned you passed with flying colours.

Now we try and do the next thing, yes?  Back to the other thread for that maybe so as not to clutter up this one.
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
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2 posted 02-20-2009 03:38 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Yay I passed!

As for the the first line you mentioned lets just say... Oops! I have no clue why I put only 8 syllables and not 10, it might have been me rushing.

Now on to the next thing...


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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Harbor


3 posted 02-20-2009 03:51 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Very good Free and much improved.

freeand2sexy
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4 posted 02-20-2009 04:10 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thank you, Turtle.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

oceanvu2
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since 02-24-2007
Posts 1007
Santa Monica, California, USA


5 posted 02-20-2009 10:02 PM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi Free!  Well, this is pretty darned wild and I love it, just possibly because it is  irrational, and eccentrically punctuated.  You’ve got the blank verse format down.  The exceptions that Moonbeam points out are, to my mind, acceptable exceptions.  I can even buy most of the irrationality, because this is a poem, not an essay.  What I’m going to critique is not the mechanics of the lines, but the structure or flow of the thoughts.  And it comes from a loving place, so take it for what it’s worth and consider the good intentions.

“The moments you are breathing, Hun, are hard,
You swallow cries for help, but don’t, my dear,
For facing death, without your clutch, is daft,

The first line is a complete sentence and might be ended with a period.  Here, you have established with the word “Hun” the poet’s relationship to the “subject” of the poem.  This works on an intimate level, which is very effective.  One has to assume that the moments Hun is breathing is hard for both Hun to endure and the poet to watch.  I go a little aargh when contemplating the notion that the moments when Hun DOESN’T breathe might be even a bit harder.

The next two lines have a lot of potential power.  It’s clear what you are trying to get at in line two, but the execution is awkward.  To compress the thought into a sentence goes like this:  “You swallow cries for help; facing death without a clutch is daft.  Grand and fresh imagery in “without your clutch,” and the same sort of power in the use of the word “daft” as there is in “Hun.”  I’m reading “You swallow cries for help, but don’t,” as meaning Hun “can’t.”  The transition from line one and two to lines two, poet as observer, to line three, poet-in-judgment is subtly awkward.  How can your keep the same imagery and same POV?  A simple change to “In facing death without your clutch is daft.” Or simply drop the “For” and get Moonbeam mad at you.


Mistakes, of senseless fools, who juggle stones,
With heavy boulders, falling on themselves.

These two lines are tough.  They seem not subordinate to the comma after “daft.”  In “senseless fools,” I think you are talking about physicians.  Love the imagery, but, given the punctuation and the required leap of thought, I’m not sure it comes across as powerfully as the rest of the poem.

OK,  I could go on like this, which may or may not be helpful, but this represents the gist of my critiquing.  Poem gets a damned sight better as it goes along.  My basic suggestions are to look at punctuation, logic, and flow.  Don’t make it prose.  Don’t abandon the passion, imagery, or magic, and don’t be a snot like me, who tends to look too hard at everything.

Best, Jimbeau

[This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (02-21-2009 12:07 AM).]

Essorant
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since 08-10-2002
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Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


6 posted 02-21-2009 01:30 AM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

This is not too bad.  But I admit, I think if you transferred the good meter of this poem into your other poem with its conciser style, and there improved the rhyme and improved some wording,  I bet it would read thrice better than this.  
moonbeam
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7 posted 02-21-2009 03:18 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Jim and Ess

You are both right I think (except Jim that I'm not sure a line of only 4 feet in a pentameter is an acceptable variation ), but to be fair to Free, I asked her to write something which concentrated entirely on establishing and maintaining the iambic pentameter while more or less forgetting considerations of sense and meaning.

I think she fulfilled that aim just fine.

M
chopsticks
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8 posted 02-21-2009 07:07 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Free, It’s hard to believe you are only seventeen and you wrote this in twenty four hours. However it could have been rolling around in your narrow cave for sometime. Since this is just my opinion, I hope Essorant will allow me to say thus ~ This is very good writing ~

Just my opinion again, but I would change ~ I hope ~in the tenth line to something else. I know that somebody is going to say that it sets the  mood for the poem.

I told my wife if I was ever in a vegetated state, to please pull the plug ; but don’t tell the doctor while standing at my bed side, I may be able to hear you.

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
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9 posted 02-21-2009 03:48 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thank you guys, for your critiques.

and Chopsticks,

I take it as a compliment that it's hard for you to believe that I'm only 17, and wrote this in 24 hours, but I did and with out any part of it rolling around in my narrow cave.(which is probably why this poem isn't as good as it could have been)

It took me 15 mins to write the first few lines, and even then I wasnt sure what I was writing about, which may be a bad way to write poetry.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


10 posted 02-21-2009 04:30 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks


“ I take it as a compliment  “

It was a compliment .

“ t took me 15 mins to write the first few lines, and even then I wasnt sure what I was writing about, which may be a bad way to write poetry.”

Maybe that is the way to write. They say Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address on the back of an envelope on the train to Gettysburg.

My poker playing buddy will say , study long study wrong, if I look at my cards to long.

chopsticks
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Posts 870
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11 posted 02-21-2009 04:46 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

I posted two times.

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-21-2009 06:30 PM).]

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