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Passions in Poetry

The First Guitar Lesson (or the poem critique)

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Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


0 posted 02-20-2009 03:41 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marc-Andre


Dismiss the scales, declare them stale,
Down with the sharps and flats!
Harmonics suck, just pluck amuck
Just play it pit-a-pat.
Archaic chords are for old lords,
In morgues they do belong;
Ignore the band, you’re in command,
So freely sing your song!

Smash your guitar on your armoire,
Down with constraining strings!
Drink lots of beer, shed tears my dear,
Just play it ding-a-ling.
I can relate, you are so great,
So play it to the hordes;
A month at most and you will boast
A platinum record.


© Copyright 2009 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-20-2009 02:42 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Mark,

Well, I'm impressed. Assonance, consonance, internal rhyme. A clear storyline. Some of this is even clever. You're doing quite well.

I've never written a poem that I consider a finished work. I will even go back and edit a published work,
if I see where it could be improved.

When I read a structured poem I accent the read where the stress should be in the line and I had no problem seeing the rhythm in this poem.
That doesn't mean that the meter is perfect and I see a couple spots where the eye stumbles.

In S1L2 & S2L2 the first foot, /Down with/when I pull this foot out of the line and look at it, I read down with a stronger stress.

In S2L8 platinum when I pull the second foot out of the line /tinum/ I read tin with a stronger stress.

InS1L3&4:

Harmonics suck, just pluck amuck
Just play it pit-a-pat


I don't think "suck" is a good choice. I also don't think using "just" twice in these two lines works.
Personally, I woud simply change "Just" in L4 to "And".

In S1L6:

In morgues they do belong;

This is an inversion. I use them on purpose sometimes for an archaic effect, but in a poem
like this it usually forces the line.

In S2L1:

Smash your guitar on your armoire,

Using "your" twice in the line doesn't work for me. I would simply change the second "your" to "an", "oak", "old" something like that.

Other than that, I think this is fine.

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


2 posted 02-20-2009 05:37 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Ah, Marc...I loved it! The wording was fantastic and the enthusiasm of the piece was exhilarating. I ove everything which shows cleverness and this was filled with that quality...


B U T ...


You destroyed it with the last lines trying to rhyme hordes and record. The poem was going so smoothly with such a catchy beat and the last line caught me completely off-guard with that bad rhyme which killed the meter completely and ruined it for me....sorry.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 02-21-2009 02:54 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

A valid but Balladeer.  

Balladeer?.....You should get out more.

I think maybe you're starting to get a big but...


turtles
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


4 posted 02-21-2009 06:21 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

All a matter of opinion, turtle. Some people think I'm getting one....others think I AM one
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


5 posted 02-24-2009 11:41 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Turtle and Balladeer, thanks for the thorough critiques. I will come back to them when I revise it; I always do.

Mark
 
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