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shatterd glass

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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125 posted 02-22-2009 11:03 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha oops i meant.
im sorry to hear that.

now my time is greatly fading
i need your help before i see my end
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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126 posted 02-22-2009 11:04 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Okay,

Lets stop here for today. I need to get a little ahead of you anyway...lol

We are making great progress here

The middle of the third stanza already in two days is pushing it.

I think you're catching on. You're starting to see how to adjust your lines to get them even, that is a big hurdle.


Turtle
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


127 posted 02-22-2009 11:06 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you turtle. i was about to say  the same thing, i have to catch the bus at 6 am to school. so i will be able to check the site at 215. talk to you then.


             goodnight,
                     nina
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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128 posted 02-23-2009 03:24 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina,

Here are a few  links that deal with sentence construction and
paragraphs (Paragraphs are kinda like "stanzas") You can go over this
when you have time.

First  read this short link that defines word forms:

http://math-and-reading-help-for-kids.org/articles/Elementary_grammar:_Learning_nouns,_verbs,_adjectives_and_other_parts_of_speech.html


Then read this on types of sentences

http://www.learnenglish.de/grammar/sentencetext.htm


When you have time, go to this link and first read everything in the
"paragragh level" section Then read the "word and sentence" level.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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129 posted 02-23-2009 07:47 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina,

I've got to go. I'll post a couple of things. here for you to look at and I'll be back tomorrow.


Okey Dokey:

My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero,
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be in kingly battle,
With you is where my heart will lie.

My hair has curls with fancy swirls
Of black and brown, for I am blessed.
My princess gown says I am heir,
The Spainish Crown and Royal Crest.

Do you recall our timeless love,
We were the very best of friends.


This is where we are, or I think we are.  We may need to come back to the last
line. I'm still up in the air on it?? I flopped swirls and curls. See It? And I see
a meter error in S1L2 to fix.....Your first project, once you learn meter?....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the next lines S3L2&S3L4
"My time is shortening
i need you before i see my end"

I think it best to shorten "shortening" before it melts. and move "I need you" in L4 up, to complete the line.

Like this:

"My time is short, I need you now"

Then I got to thinking that this is an urgent message and we need some short sentences to show that urgency. So I wrote L4 in two short sentences.

Like this:

Great haste required. My life depends.

Then I thought, lets do the same to L3 and I get:

"My time is short. I need you now.
Great haste required. My life depends."

Lets put it in the stanza and tell me what you think??

Do you recall our timeless love,
We were the very best of friends
My time is short. I need you now.
Great haste required. My life depends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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130 posted 02-23-2009 07:50 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

S4

"For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne"

We need to rethink this one:

"For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones."

"For" would work to start line 1, but I think we're confusing Sir Leo here.
In S3 Leo already knows you need help. Now he needs to know where you are. The stairs are kinda hard for Leo, because they could go anywhere.

"Castle tower"

"Darkest dungeon"

"Distant kingdom"

"Castle chamber"

"Yonder tower"

"Kingly castle"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as an idea, like this:

"For I am held in castle's tower"

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


131 posted 02-23-2009 07:55 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hey. sorry i just got home from practise... long day. i leave my house at 630 am and arrive back home at seven thirty or eight. i will read the links tonight and try to fix the parts you showed me.
turtle
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132 posted 02-24-2009 08:17 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina,

I'm around if you want to talk.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


133 posted 02-24-2009 09:44 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hey sorry had an away game.. agian. haha thank god its ending this week. um here if you want to talk. ahaha
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


134 posted 02-24-2009 09:48 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hey, if you dont talk tonight i wont be home till around 8 tomorrow night.

                 nina
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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135 posted 02-24-2009 10:20 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina, you still here?

HaHaHaHa Nina, I don't no what time it is where you live and it might be a different time where I live.

Soooo, We could use the PIP site time to set our time to??

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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136 posted 02-24-2009 10:28 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

So tell me what you think about the posts I put here yeasterday??

Do you have some ideas for S3 L3&L4?

    
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


137 posted 02-25-2009 01:29 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hey i like it. sorry im super busy on school days. i ussually dont get home intul like 8 or 9 due to basketball and then i need to do homework. but i like that and i understand why my line may have been confusing.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


138 posted 02-25-2009 01:31 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

For I am held in castle's tower...
ive got to go but ill work on it and try to post it tonight. around 8 the earliest. sorry about the difficut timing
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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139 posted 02-25-2009 05:33 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

That's alright. We can still do this. Just go ahead and post your thoughts, when you can, and I'll respond.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


140 posted 02-27-2009 03:42 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

whew ive been so busy but here i am.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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141 posted 02-27-2009 03:49 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina

The great thing here is we can pick up where we left off anytime so don't worry about letting this time interfer with your school activities.

Now, What's your thoughts on S3?

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


142 posted 03-02-2009 04:27 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

how about..

I need your strength
for it will overcome his power


... it sucks
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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143 posted 03-02-2009 05:01 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi sweety,

I loved your poem in teen. I knew you would go for free verse
it's a lot easier to express yourself. Isn't it.

Lets see,

Do you recall our timeless love,
We were the very best of friends
I need your strength
for it will overcome his power


I like the "I need your strength", but it's too short of course and
you don't talk about the king till the next stanza so Sir Leo doesn't
know who "His" is in L4??.... and "power" doesn't rhyme with friends.

It's been a while since we were here, so maybe it's going to take a few
practice shots to get back on track. Try some other lines and we'll see
if we can get this going again

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


144 posted 03-02-2009 05:12 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hahaha oops i went back to our old comments to see where we were, i guess i went to far back. sorry .
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


145 posted 03-02-2009 05:16 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

do you recall our timeless love
we were the very best of friends
for now you must use your strength
to come rescue me before i see my end


.....sucks even more
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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146 posted 03-02-2009 05:26 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

naw...lol

keep trying
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


147 posted 03-02-2009 08:50 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha how about... this is equally sucky lol

the memory of our last meet is fading
i must see you once more before my end


turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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148 posted 03-02-2009 09:56 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hmmmm....

We could work with the last line, but We've already reminded Sir Leo, pointless to remind him again. Sooooo

Let me think....

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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149 posted 03-02-2009 10:17 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle



Do you recall our timeless love
we were the very best of friends.
If not thy love for me is fading
once more we must before my end.


Okay I've taken your line 3 and put it in context.

Now, see how I've flopped the words in the last line? this is called inverting a line.

Inverting a line is a bad thing. One should never invert a line. That looks silly

so I have inverted your line, but not to...... look silly.

Back in the days, where this story is set, they used to speak using these inversions.
and coloquialism. By inverting the lines makes the story FEEL more realistic.

Waddaya think?

  
 
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