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shatterd glass

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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100 posted 02-22-2009 10:05 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

in the poem you wrote you talked about them seeing each other before. so i figured i would make them know each other from their childhood. i pictured they were great friends as chilren but they drifted a part as the time passed and she was being taught how to become suited royalty. and now after a years she writes to him for her help. CLICHE!! i know haha but all princess stories are.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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101 posted 02-22-2009 10:08 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

HaHaHaHaHa

Now don't you be putting down on our Princess story......

Others will do that I'm sure....lol
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


102 posted 02-22-2009 10:10 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

psh by the time we are through, our poem is going to dominate. haha
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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103 posted 02-22-2009 10:12 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Okay lets look at this.


"You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is shortening
i needyou before i see my end"

(S3L1)

"You are who i knew as a child"

The best way to express this would be

I knew you as a child

But that makes the line too short huh?
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


104 posted 02-22-2009 10:15 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

your the one i grew up with as a child

dang now its too long ...

you, my great childhood friend (?)
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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105 posted 02-22-2009 10:15 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

lets try to tie Line 1 and Line 2 so it all comes out as one complete thought.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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106 posted 02-22-2009 10:18 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

"You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend."


"Do you recall, when we were children
You knew me well and called me friend"
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


107 posted 02-22-2009 10:19 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

"You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
        TO
your my timeless admiration,
my great childhood friend.


i think the princess had a crush on him ever since they were kids

turtle
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108 posted 02-22-2009 10:20 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Are you making this up as we go along? lol
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


109 posted 02-22-2009 10:21 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

yeah, is it that bad? hahaha im bored ok. haha

oops i didnt see yours before, i like it
turtle
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110 posted 02-22-2009 10:23 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Yeah that is better, but remember "amiration"

is just not poetic.

nina why don't you go to rhymezone and search for words with similar meanings

Do you want help with that?

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


111 posted 02-22-2009 10:27 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

no thank you. i think i unerstand the website but how about i change admiration to love? ...or not

"You are my timeless love
my great chilhood friend.

but are you sure these are ok. i just thought of them so i could probably do better
turtle
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112 posted 02-22-2009 10:27 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

ADMIRATION:

Synonyms:

esteem, wonder, wonderment

More general:

amazement, approval, approving, astonishment, blessing, liking

More specific:

anglophilia, awe, hero worship, idealisation, idealization, idolisation, idolization

Often used in the same context:
admire, charisma, discern, gratitude, jealousy
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


113 posted 02-22-2009 10:29 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

you put me in timeless awe
my great chilhood friend
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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114 posted 02-22-2009 10:29 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Better, but the lines are too short.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


115 posted 02-22-2009 10:30 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

you have put me in a timeless awe
you were my great childhood friend
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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116 posted 02-22-2009 10:30 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

I'll have to fix the meter.

Why don't you think about this and try it a few different ways then we'll  work on it.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


117 posted 02-22-2009 10:33 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

you have put me in timeless love
you were my great chidhoo friend
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


118 posted 02-22-2009 10:37 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Remember you are reminding Leo

So you need to start with

"Do you recall"

"Please do remember"

"remember me"


something like that.


"Do you recall, when we were children
You knew me well and called me friend"


nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


119 posted 02-22-2009 10:40 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

do you recall me as a timeless love
or do remeber me as a childhood friend

????


do you recall me your timeless love
do remember me as your childhood friend
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


120 posted 02-22-2009 10:44 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle


"do you recall me your timeless love"

This one will work

But in the next line we don't want to say "Remember" again.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


121 posted 02-22-2009 10:47 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

i was trying to say that
do you remember me as a timeless love
or just a  great childhood friend.

but hes a not knight of course he loves her
soo...


do you remember me as a timeless love
you were me greatest childhood friend

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


122 posted 02-22-2009 10:55 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

"do you remember me as a timeless love
you were me greatest childhood friend"


Lets use this one:

"do you recall me your timeless love"

that way I don't have to fix the meter.


In that next line. I'm thinking something like

"We were the very best of friends"

OR

"We were the best of childhood friends"
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


123 posted 02-22-2009 10:58 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

do you recall me as a timeless love
we were the very best of friends.
Now my times is greatly fading
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


124 posted 02-22-2009 10:59 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

"Now my times is greatly fading"

HaHaHaHa

Mine too sweetheart....lol

 
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