How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #2 Archive
 shatterd glass   [ Page: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  ]
 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

shatterd glass

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


50 posted 02-21-2009 10:50 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

what do i do now? i think this is the shortest i could get the stanzas
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


51 posted 02-21-2009 11:24 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

hi nina,

Let me look at this and I'll be  back tomorrow to go over it with you.  

I think this will turn out well  

turtle  

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-22-2009 11:58 AM).]

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


52 posted 02-22-2009 12:02 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Nina, I forgot to tell you. I changed that poem I wrote to you a little bit.....At 2am

So if you copied it you may want to recopy......sorry

turtles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are the stanzas I want to keep. For now I've put the repeated and
changed stuff in the Deleted pile that we'll keep for now. (There may be
something we'll want to use.)

dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown


You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is shortening
i needyou before i see my end

For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne

shadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just a distraction.


Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.


Delete Pile:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You were the one i franternized with as a child
You were my esoteric friend.
My time is greatly shortening
there's somerhing i must say before i meet my end.

I'm the unwanted daughter of a strangered king
I am still the unsuited daughter of a queen
their desire is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.
My courage is fading
my strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
to this darkness i am denying
You were the one i knew as child
You were my secret friend.
My time is greatly shortening
i have something to say before i meet my end.
For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.


my hair has untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
is the rightful owner of Spain's crown
camouflaged shadows ecnloses around me
wishing for a battle and preparing for the action
but i know something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.


cshadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.


dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is shortening
i needyou before i see my end
I'm the daughter of a king
I am the daughter of a queen
their wish is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown


For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcin me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne,


Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.


shadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just a distraction.


My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.

my courage is fading
My strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
and to this darkness i am denying
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


53 posted 02-22-2009 12:05 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok. um do i revise those now? sorry i really dont know what to do from here. i cant be finished
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


54 posted 02-22-2009 12:23 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina,

I wasn't expecting you this fast   lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lets start with the first stanza and go through it to fix the rhythm, wording and  context.

dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies


In this stanza, line 1, or (S1L1). A rhymed poem has a rhythm that is called meter. One of the things I will use to fix this poem is meter. You do not understand meter yet and it is difficult to understand.  so for now lets just call it the music of the poem.

if I say "My dear sir leo" "dear and Le - o  should be the two sounds you hear loudest. So "My dear Sir Leo" should sound like a heart beat

thump THUMP thump THUMP thump
"My dear Sir Leo"

This is the rhythm, or the music we want to use in this poem.

Lets add another "My" to the first line and that will fix its rhythm.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


55 posted 02-22-2009 12:37 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

alright.. im confused. (sorry)

but i think that this is what you are trying to tell me.  that there needs to be a good flow of words through out the poem and the meter is what will help it. but, like you said, i dont understand meter yet. so its (to my understanding) the way words flow?


My dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my one with soft eyes.
In battle you always conquer
to the king you shall defies


....right?
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


56 posted 02-22-2009 12:42 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

but ill be back in a bit i have to go out. br home at like 3
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


57 posted 02-22-2009 12:42 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

yes, but it is how the tempo, the music flows

So, yes you are understanding what I'm saying
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


58 posted 02-22-2009 12:47 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Okay, I'll check back in a while

nina, don't worry about understanding meter for now

I will be explaining that, but for now, lets just work on this one poem.

  
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


59 posted 02-22-2009 04:11 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok im back. did i revise that one coreectly?
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


60 posted 02-22-2009 04:22 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

nina I want to go through this with you one line at a time. The first line, Yes. lets look at the next line.

my admiration with chestnut eyes.

In this the second line, (S1L2).  "admiration" just isn't poetic enough. Why don't we go to Rhymezone to see if there's a word that might work better.

"adore" is a sweet little word and would work well for this poem. So how could we use it? Hmmm....
OH! I know. We'll turn it into a noun!
"adoration"!

Now. "My"?....To many "my"s here nina. Lets find something sweet to replace it with........Like, "Sweet"!

So lets see:

My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes

Whadda ya think?  
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


61 posted 02-22-2009 04:33 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

yeah that sounds better. so conquer isnt really poetic (in my point of view) so ill change that to...

My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes
In a battle you ever sieze (?)
to the king you shall defies
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


62 posted 02-22-2009 04:39 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Yep! I was going to get to that next  

You have a good eye. Conqure needs to go

Also there is a problem with the context of the next 2 lines (the flow of meaning, or whether it is clear)
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


63 posted 02-22-2009 04:41 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Now. (S1L3)

In a battle you always conquer

Notice that the music in this line starts:

"In a battle"
thump thump THUMP thump

And it doesn't have the  "thump THUMP" that we want?

How can we fix this and still say the same thing?....

Hmmm....I'm looking at the last line also and that king is out of context. Let me make a suggestion for L3 & L4, so I can fix the context. Lets move the king up in line 4 and put him in line 3. Then I can fix the logical meaning of these last 2 lines. By doing this we can make a new line 4 that complements the next stanza.

In a battle you always conquer

Lets replace this with

"If triumph be, in kingly battle,"

???
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


64 posted 02-22-2009 04:45 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

then (not sure if this makes sense)

all my enemies you shall defy (?)
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


65 posted 02-22-2009 04:46 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

never mind.. ok understand what your saying now. just erase what i just said

how about...

with you, is where my heart lies
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


66 posted 02-22-2009 04:50 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

No, I was thinking about how to make the meaning in this stanza flow logically into the next stanza....

Here, let me show you what I mean.

Okey Dokey.

Lets look at the context here.

At the end of this stanza you are offering yourself as prize to Sir Leo. Then you go on in the next stanza to describe yourself and tell him what that prize will look like..(In the context that you are that prize being offered.)

(Remember, it sucks in that tower)....lol

So we want to be up front with Leo and TELL him we are his prize.

Kinda like this:
"Then I'll be yours as tender prize"

Lets look at this.....

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
Then I'll be yours as tender prize."

Hmmmm, I don't know, this may still need work. What do ya think?

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


67 posted 02-22-2009 04:55 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

i think we should take out "Then" so it flows better. but you know best.
but i think that it should be

if truimph be, in kingly battle
i'll be yours as tender prize

??
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


68 posted 02-22-2009 04:55 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

"with you, is where my heart lies"

perfect! Lets use it.

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
With you, is where my heart lies.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


69 posted 02-22-2009 05:01 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
With you, is where my heart lies."

Now we need to fix the music of that last line.

Lets see, That would be something like.

"With you, is where my heart will lie."

There that will work;

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
With you, is where my heart wiil lie"




nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


70 posted 02-22-2009 05:01 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok so onto the next line

my hair has twiddles of curls

??


down swims black and brown.

???
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


71 posted 02-22-2009 05:03 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Good then We're ready to start the next stanza S2

my hair has swirls of  untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown


This is a cute stanza nina, I like this one. Lets see if we can do it justice.

Lets see (S2L1)

"Untamed" may not be a good word here it changes the tempo of the music and
we're scaring Sir Leo.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


72 posted 02-22-2009 05:08 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

my hair has twiddles of curls

??


down swims black and brown.

???

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


73 posted 02-22-2009 05:12 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

No lets just work on the first line now

forget the black and brown for now we'll get to that next.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


74 posted 02-22-2009 05:14 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

my hair has swirls of lovely curls (?)
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #2 >> shatterd glass   [ Page: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  ] Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors